Communication With Children – Communicating With Children – [Diane Auten]

Communication With Children – Communicating With Children – [Diane Auten]
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Video Transcript

oh here we go good morning good evening good afternoon everybody out there in podcast land you are in tune to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective this is hamza and i am david ige I know I say I’m always excited and people that are around me know that I’m always excited so that’s a good thing but I’m really excited about our guest today because it appears that this week I am walking along my whole life earlier this week I was doing some hope Oh nope oh no meditations with Joe Vitali and with that you deal with your inner child and the guest today she’s an author she’s a communication studies professor and she’s written this interesting book about joys of raising boys the good the bad and the hilarious so all the mothers out there will definitely focus on the latter part of the hilariousness of raising children yes I was the only boy out of four and so love to hear her story David was a well let him tell his story later on in the podcast but without further ado I would love to welcome from sunny California even though it’s not sunny today we have Diane OTT into the podcast welcome Diane thank you so much I appreciate it thanks for being here thank you I think this is an interesting interesting subject because they always say men are from Mars and women are from Venus but if we can have better communication and understand the joys of raising boys maybe there wouldn’t be such a quagmire that we have as adults yes well and my book is really focusing on the younger years of raising boys but the college courses I teach tap into that a little bit but you know the classes I teach really revolve around how can we improve our communication as adults so in our intimate relationships and a friendship family yeah and so men and women not all men and women but when we talk about male and female communication there’s that bell curve of research right and we’re looking at what the majority of men tend to do when they communicate or what the majority of women tend to do but all these men and women start off as little kids so we definitely have the ability to mold them from the time they’re small and help them grow up to be better communicators one thing that I found in my life I my traditional training was the Masters in early childhood so I taught seventh grade and so that was fun it was a lot of fun sometimes I say that’s my favorite job depending on the day of the week and what I’m also in sales and so in sales I would use some tactics that I did as a second grader because you’re an excellent salesperson if you can get second graders to do anything in a group and so I was kind of just using some of those frameworks to set up sales or to motivate other people and a management capacity and so on and so forth so I think on some level we’re always talking to checking in with our inner hildren yes definitely definitely I often see well and my husband in his fifties you know and I’m around adult men all the time but I see a lot of and I often say you know big boys are just little boys and big bodies you know you see these little hints of the kid in them still which I actually really love with that being said one thing that I learned in the dating world is that you don’t really know a person until you spend the holidays with them and so I want to get to take on that because when when you’re with them during the holidays they’re around their family so sometimes they were work back to that maybe little boy little girl dynamic mm-hmm well and I can say you know my boys right now we’re 13 and 15 and so especially my 15 year old he’s old enough to take care of himself and make his own meals and do all those kinds of things but you know I think once a momma always a momma and you’re going to kind of pamper those boys and girl to you know your children and take care of them and so I could definitely see spending holidays with a significant other and going back and and watching them revert back to that role definitely I didn’t come up with the title of the book and also on the cover those are the two boys those are my two boys on the cover of the book yes so there’s a picture of them when they’re about three and five years old and my five year old is squirting it’s not a power hose but it’s a hose with one of those real good nozzles on it down the underwear of my three year old and they were actually in that in that picture they were playing their favorite game which to this date is their favorite game it called take the pain so this is a very boy thing to do where you’re gonna do something to see who can take the pain the longest without crying that was the contest they had going on [Laughter] yes so that to me when I was thinking of the cover that just screamed to me boy I mean that’s really the book is it’s a funny book it’s filled with just funny stories about raising boys and also it has a thread of communication in there too and how to communicate better I’ve been teaching full time at the college level for it’ll be 20 years this year teaching communication studies courses so there’s a little bit of that in there on how to help these boys grow up to be better communicators but the crux of the book is just really these funny stories and back to your question that’s kind of where that title came from to the good the bad and the hilarious because when you raise boys I often say you have to laugh or you’re going to cry because they do stuff sometimes where you’re just like take the pain thing it’s like why are you doing that you know and if you don’t have you’re just gonna cry yeah hi how long how long were you crying before you realize that the crying wasn’t working is we had to the oh yeah laughing well you know I grew up in a house of all girls so I had no idea what I was getting into with these boys and you know on my mom’s side of the family it’s all girls too so we just don’t have any boys in our family so at first I was when even when I found out I was pregnant with boys was like what am I going to do with these boys but you know I really realized I am a boy mom through and through I love to get in there and get dirty with them and you know play in the dirt and I pick up sticks when I’m on a walk with my dog that I remember when the boys were small that looks like something they could use in a battle you know like like I just I’m always thinking of those boy things so I love being a boy mom it didn’t take me long to realize that even though some of that stuff was stressful being a boy mom can be stressful too because they are very much a RIT they’re risk takers you know in different ways than girls are so that’s a little stressful but there’s a lot of fun involved too now what do you mean by stressful because when I look at leave at the Beaver June Cleaver never breaks a sweat girl isn’t she amazing yeah no that’s not me for sure you know the stress I think with boys is there constantly I mean we went to the emergency room so many times when my kids were young just jumping off things battling and getting hit when my youngest got hit in the head with it was a plastic like a lightsaber but it hit him just right and split his head open like the edge of it hit his head stuff like that you know it’s that just wouldn’t happen I don’t think so much with girls yeah I guess it could but man we were just constantly going to the hospital what the boy and they don’t even care you know they they have all this blood they cry a little bit but my son would say to this day he says cool look at my scar you know he’s got a scar down the front of his face a scar on the top of his head they just a rough-and-tumble crazy boys mm-hmm what it was Dan what are some of the differences between how boys at young ages relate to one another as opposed to girls oh great I love that question so and this can also relate to adults too so it transfers into our adulthood too but one of the ways that I think is different is if you look at the little games that or the game excuse me that little boys play and the games that little girls play so most of the boy games like when I was just talking about my kids getting their head split open our around competition very physical very competitive lots of argue but most of those games even stuff that’s more where they’re getting along like Legos and things like that they play those games side by side and when you look at little girls and the games that they play most of their games are face to face so they’re playing mommy baby they’re playing nurse they’re playing school and girls are socialized to play by and having direct eye contact so when you watch little girls play or even talk to each other they’re looking at each other very intensely little boys are not conditioned to do that and so these little boys and little girls they grow up and they’re practicing these skills all along and then they get into adulthood and one of the things I talk about with a misconception that women often have of men and we’re talking about adults is that because a man is not looking at you he’s not listening to you and so a lot of women perceive because they’ve been doing this their whole life with their girlfriends that when you listen you look and that’s not necessarily true in the male culture you were talking about culture earlier it is almost like women have their own culture and way of doing things and men kind of have their own culture and way of doing things men functions perfectly fine with other men hanging out women function perfectly fine with other women hanging out when you mix them all together that sometimes we have these challenges so one of the things I talk a lot with especially with women is that just because a man is not looking at you does not mean that he’s not listening to you it doesn’t necessarily equate all the time but for the most part men are much more comfortable side-by-side so a piece of advice I give whether it’s with your child I do this with my boys and I’ve always done it with them and they were young up to adult men if you want to connect with a man a great way to do that is to get him in an environment where he doesn’t have to have that direct eye contact with you and a perfect example of that is the car so if you can get a man in the car you can get it or if you can get your teenage son in the car or if you can get your ten-year-old son in the car and go on a car ride and you’re facing forward and nobody has to look at each other though that’s where those magical conversations happen and a bonus if you can get them in the car in the dark where they really don’t have to look at you right and it’s dark that’s where we have in my family the best conversations oh I think little boys and little girls are socialized very differently they play very differently it’s when we look at communication it’s this mix of of our genetics but definitely surroundings as well nature versus nurture but get those men and boys in the car and floodgates will open Wow that completely makes sense because as your reserve you were talking about that it made me think about a time in the past the relationship that I was in and I mean I mean oh my girlfriend we were talking or she was talking act and I was doing something but I was listening to her and at one point she said you know what she was looking at me when I’m talking to you and I remember my response was I’m listening don’t worry happy and even yeah so that that yeah that makes yeah and think of all the conflict that as adults we get into with our partners especially women we get really upset about that when when we’re talking to our significant other and they’re not looking at us I mean don’t get me wrong my husband can definitely sit and zone out and be looking at his phone or looking at TV or whatever and not be listening but we can’t make that correlation between if they’re not looking they’re not listening that’s just not fair because most men are going to actually listen a lot better if they’re not looking at you yeah yeah and just kind of when you talked about like you know your kids and their planes they’re saver and just getting hurt and this and that no physical I can remember as a child loving like the Three Stooges you know there was summer almost every cell that I’ve known the city like my mom for example she’s like I don’t get it I don’t get what’s so funny about this I guys completely get it but I think women they don’t get the that kind of humor yeah yeah our sense of humors are just different but it’s funny if you think about it we all like to laugh right we all enjoyed laughter we all enjoy joy but we just view it kind of differently and humor – if we look at young boys and young girls and even adult boys and adult women we look at humor differently like young boys and adult men kind of tease each other a lot right there’s a lot of teasing in the male culture and teasing is definitely part of camaraderie in the male culture making fun of each other calling each other names putting each other down but in a loving sort of funny way you would never see a woman like my husband’s a really big guy and his for all of his friends call him skinny and he’s like a 300-pound man you know and they call him skinny as his nickname if I weighed 300 pounds my friends would never call me skinny as a nickname women just would never ever do that you know so we relate to each other so differently and sometimes you know men will try to create that camaraderie with a woman and tease her and stuff – and innocently teasing her you know but she doesn’t like it women only like it to a certain point and then we get really we don’t like it at all yeah yeah I love it and it makes me think of I’m short any city USA so in Atlanta the conversation that women can’t find a guy and thank you were talking about socialization about getting the guy in the car and in the dating world the girl or the perception is if the guy’s not looking at her that he may be beta he’s not alpha or strong enough so she kind of writes him off as well so he’s not even he’d lost before he could even get in the car and show his strength apparently yeah definitely and there’s a lot of perception around even just a simple thing like eye contact we make so many perceptions based on someone and how the kind of eye contact they have hmm yeah I noticed that if a girl like that that’s another thing that you really notice if a girl likes her she will get in your space meaning she’ll be right in front of you mm-hmm because she’s trying to connect right she’s coming squaring off with you sitting right across from you you know I took my son to dinner the other night and we were under the fluorescent lights at like a Chili’s you know and I was trying to have this really just not intense but a real true good conversation with him about some of a struggle is he no he’s 13 he’s going through some stuff and he would just haven’t no part of that you know and that was my fault because I was choosing the absolute wrong time in place the time in place is another thing we could talk about but we were under these bright lights he’s sitting right across from me in a confined space like that was just horrible that was a bad choice on my part but as soon as we got in the car to go home later when the movie was over and it was dark you know it’s like everything it was so much easier to talk about it wait wait hold on a sec it I just caught on to this then are you saying that guys are vampires no I’m not saying that women they are their best in the dark do not see them before the sunset but I do like to talk about a scenery like you were saying you’re saying that there are strong suits that you may be aware of actually getting your point across and there’s others where you might as well throw in the towel I like free to explore some of that do you mean like when you’re discussing a subject that you have opinions about or absolutely so so maybe ask your question again I’m not sure I understand sure let’s so let’s just let’s just use your son’s example like how did you determine at one point oh it’s so bright and he’s so you know he’s over stimulated with all these rights and games gone on it’s better to talk wait until we get into the car yeah and you know in my Communication Studies courses I talk a lot about one of the best things we can learn to do whether it’s with our kids with our significant others is to wait if we need to wait to have a conversation I know sometimes that like if something’s going on or my husband’s bothered me or I’m upset like I want to talk about it right now and I think women were kind of conditioned to talk our culture as women you know it revolves around talking and so we just want to get it out and sometimes we are not picking the right time in place like I did with my so it’s about being smart enough to take a step back and say okay is this the right time for us to be talking about this is this going to yield the best result you know my kids again are 13 and 15 to use kids as an example they’re teenagers it’s like they do things that we need to talk about sometimes but I really have to be careful about when we talk about it because if I choose the wrong time I’m going to get shut down like nobody’s business and that conversation will never really evolve but if I wait until the timings right weather and that’s even just assessing their mood right if your significant other walks through the door and they’ve had a rough day you don’t want to hit them with something big that you want to talk about they need time to decompress a little bit before you have that conversation I talk a lot to my boys about we don’t want to have this conversation my boys are fighting kind of a lot lately which is normal for you know kids siblings and we need to have like a family meeting but I don’t want to have the family meeting and talk to everybody when somebody’s in a bad mood you see how that’s going to throw the whole thing off yeah I need I need everyone to be happy we don’t want to have an important conversation and this also is in our intimate relationship we don’t want to have an important conversation when someone is angry that’s the worst time to have an important conversation but it’s the time most of us choose because we’re in the heat of the moment and we’re angry but if we can walk away and let that kind of simmer down a little bit come back when everybody is level that conversation is just going to be so much better it just makes me think of some tons of the air in Atlanta Atlanta is not pedestrian friendly at all so there’s not a lot of walking around you can’t peep a lot so the places that you can kind of steal a glance or like the airport things like that and so there’s instances where people are very combative in public and you would think hey isn’t there a better scenario could you wait and soon you were not in the public but as you were seeing one person really wants to get their point across at that moment yes yeah are there any clues or tips the tricks to kind of diffuse that situation uh you know I I know when I feel that way and I’m with my husband I’ll just say like I think we can agree we have something we need to talk about but let’s wait until we get home or let’s wait until tomorrow you know to be able to walk away so sometimes like if I get real heated I know I just need I mean we’ve all heard this before but I just need to walk away take a little lap around the block or something and then come back sometimes we do need to have the conversation right then but I mean think of all those and I’m sure your listeners can attest to arguments they’ve seen in public with couples or whatever you know it’s it’s not going to yield the result that they want so to be able to and you both have to be on the same page to be like we know we need to talk about this let’s wait until we get home let’s wait until we’ve calmed down but you can’t have one person wanting to wait any other one like now we’re going to talk about it right now which is normally what happens right you have to be on the same page so my husband and I I don’t for lack of a better word I have him trained with some of this communication stuff so when we get in those things I’m like okay so clearly we’re both upset we both have things we want to say I don’t want to say something I’m going to regret and I know you don’t want to say something you’re going to regret so why don’t we take a little break here I’m going to go do whatever and we can talk about it in a bit and that works because another thing we tend to do is we say stuff when we’re angry that we regret we’ve all done that before right so when when we’re angry with someone we just want to get we want to get them you know we want to get get back at them and make them feel bad and so we say stuff and one of the principles of communication is you can never take something back so I can I can say I’m sorry but I can never take something back I always use the example and mind you I teach college students but what if I got mad at my husband one time and in the heat of an argument I yelled at him you’re the worst sex I’ve ever had in my life right ha ha and later I say you know I didn’t mean that right I was just a mad that’s why I said it is he ever going to forget that I said that no he wrong never that will haunt our relationship for the rest of our life yeah yeah so we do stuff like that we say things that we just want to get the other person but then we can’t take it back well maybe you can clarify something for me so as a little boy I learned you know there were some bad words that we weren’t allowed to say those were adult words but as an adult one bad word that I learned not to say is calm down especially to the outside yeah yeah girls women don’t like that they don’t like that ya know I you know those kinds of words are our definite trigger words for sure absolutely I do want to go back for a second because I want to cover some of your book with being hilarious and so we can do tit for tat if you want and then I’ll let you go but I do want to share one that I’ll never forget I had to take some clients out of town and we it wasn’t dinner time so we stopped for a late lunch and it looks at a restaurant or something and this mother was sitting there with her son and you know we’re on the other side in suits you know talking about this business meeting we’re about to have and she was in the momma’s assessment what their son she was just like what is that smell did he was look around like three or four so I said yeah no did you go potty did you go – that’s not she wouldn’t let it go and we were just like she won’t let it go right and so the son apparently see had he had reached if tolerance level – and he got up on the table and pulled his pants down and said these are just farts mom I will never forget that day where little boys to stay with on their minds yes there’s no filter that’s I mean that’s what honestly how my book came to fruition because these boys are just so funny and they they say the funniest things and the questions that they ask or hysterical they’re just funny walk while share a quick story am I gonna remember but my mother told me I think I was about three three-and-a-half when we were traveling to the Washington State divisa some relatives so we’re on the plane and I guess my father had got to go use the restroom and then my mother asked me if I had to use the rest and I was like yeah I mean I have to use it and then she said that I stood up on the seat and just screamed out down the plane does anyone else have to go to the bathroom oh yeah there’s no shame I thought that was funny yes that is but I loved it seeing the funny thing about writing this book is everybody else gets just like whenever I talk about this book in public everyone has stories you know we all have funny stories I just happen to write them down you know but rape being a kid and raising kids is the you just everybody has a plethora of stories yeah yeah we’re ready to hear yours Dianne oh you want to hear some okay so um my book just to warn your listeners is a collection of just lots of funny little anecdotes some of them are just short little questions or quotes and then there are kind of longer longer stories as well so the book is broken up into chapters and the two biggest chapters which probably won’t surprise you with boys is the first one is about exploring their body and all the questions they had about their own parts and then the second biggest chapter is about girls bodies and my body usually in particular you know so everything from pregnancy to childbirth and all that kind of stuff and foods and everything else so I was um so when people ask me why I put all this into a book I usually share the example of you know I have been sharing all these funny stories on all my social media outlets for the years and people were just chiming in like oh my gosh you have to write a book you have to write a book these are so funny you know and then one day my four year old son Nate came to me and said mom sadie is licking her vagina and I said okay leave her alone and she’s a dog she’s just cleaning herself it’s okay and he got so confused and he said do all women do that so when I shared that one on social media that one went viral and everybody was sharing it it was really funny and then I thought well maybe I do actually have a book in me so now I’ve got I think it’s 270 pages of all these funny stories so one of the it’s not a longer story but it’s more of a real story is I have an appendix at the end of the teen years because my boys were just starting they were like 12 when I published the book and so one of the the stories in the teen years it’s titled when mom leaves out a key detail about sex education are you ready okay so I was at home grading papers on my computer and I decided to take a break and check my social media while I was scrolling a post from a parent group at Bradley school popped up and I saw that many parents were losing their minds over the upcoming seventh-grade sex education curriculum do to start the next day nobody was specific about what they were upset about but man were they on fire I decided to investigate further and sent a private message to one of my friends who was in the discussion to see what she knew she said you might want to check the curriculum it’s pretty major I said what’s the big deal I asked it can’t be that bad her response they’ll be learning how to put condoms on a wooden model of the penis okay that does seem like it might be a big deal I remember learning how to put condoms on a banana and sex ed so I get that people might be uncomfortable with that that’s not even the worst part about it she said it’s co-ed okay so now I understood I thought I thought about this a little bit decided to give Bradley a heads-up so he wouldn’t be surprised and let him decide if he wanted to attend when the permission slips about the week-long sex ed program had come home the week before there was an opt-out choice I told Brad if he that I would be shocked if they talked about anything he didn’t already know but if for any reason he felt uncomfortable we could opt about but Bradley came home from school a few hours later and I called him into the kitchen for a talk you know your sex ed curriculum starts tomorrow yes well there’s a bunch of parents who are upset about the lessons and they’re not allowing their kids to attend really what’s the big deal well you’re going to be learning how to put condoms on okay that’s weird I know I said but the part the parents are the most upset about is that it’s co-ed so the girls are going to be there to to learning how to put condoms on as well so it might be kind of awkward why in the world would girls need to learn how to put condoms on they don’t even have a penis yeah I know I know think about it Brad these girls may grow up and want to be intimate with a man and maybe the man won’t know how to put a condom on so they need to learn how to put the condoms on too so they can protect themselves if necessary that is totally creepy and gross he said I understand that it is what it is the girls need to practice putting condoms on too so you’ll all be doing it together just try to get over the weirdness if you can Bradley crinkled up his nose and with a worried look on his face left to go to work on his homework over the next hour I noticed that Brad was walking around acting weird wringing his hands and looking at the floor later while I was in the bathroom washing my face he came in saying that he needed to talk to me mom I think I need to opt out of sex ed really okay that’s fine but why after taking a deep breath mom I cannot have the girls practicing putting condoms on me in front of everybody in the classroom that was the detail I left now [Laughter] [Music] what me well once you explained to him I actually they weren’t going to be putting it on him what did he decide to do the class enough um he did know I told him it was I felt horrible because it had been a couple of hours and he was so stressed out but once he found out what was going on he was fine with that but of course the next day when he went to school they had canceled it because so many parents were so upset about it so we went through all that for nothing nothing yeah yeah oh my gosh the shock that do you have Sam’s where you live we have bond which is I think is that Ralph yeah as far as like buying in bulk and thoughts oh we have like a Costco and apartments here yeah okay perfect reason why I was asking I am a big fan of comedy stand-up comedy hello jo koy I don’t know if you know him he was part of a Chelsea Handler show back in the day oh yeah yeah his kid is around your boys age and he was saying that he’s glad he asked Costco because they keep running out of shampoo of a hair conditioner like the hair conditioner goes missing for a couple of days and he’s like wow yeah I got a hair conditioner oh my god I’ll see Ana blame mom you don’t even have to explain how are you finally with two adolescents at the same time oh you know what’s funny is mine are just budding onto Bertie like we haven’t hit that stuff yet but I know it’s coming and miners kind of late bloomers obviously so we’re getting more like the moodiness and the emotional changes that have started happening first we haven’t gotten to that yet but good lord I hear all the stories from my friends who have kids this age and it’s I know it’s happening to happen but you know and and I’m super open with my boys like that’s part of what this book is about too is like when you’re open with your kids when they’re young they grow up to be open communicative adults and so they ask me questions I mean my 15 year old son is still going through sex education I don’t know how it is in Atlanta but I mean it goes on forever here and he was having a heart attack because in you the freshmen they were talking about wet dreams in sex ed and he came home and he he has like a loft bed so he’s got his bed on top and then all of his gaming junk underneath and he was so stressed out that he was going to have a wet dream and ruin all this computer than all of his stuff was good babies and he’s a 15 year old boy that’s coming to me and asking me questions about that you know but if you take a step back that’s like a beautiful thing he’s what 15 year old boy asked his mom those questions you know right and a lot of it is because we’ve always talked like that and in the book I talk about this too like if you make communication the norm when they’re small they’re they always are going to communicate with you because that’s what you do right I say imagine if we never communicated and then all of a sudden my kids 15 he’s not going to come talk to me out of the blue when we haven’t been communicating all along so I mean they definitely I haven’t experienced all that stuff yet but they have questions about it we talk about it you know I’m just like just clean up after yourself man that’s all I care about like do what you’re gonna do just take care of business you know God bless Costco let me ask you about because I think we’re kind of laughing in that in that it just hit me that you know maybe 10 years ago I would have never asked this question but with the socialization and making ongoing communication that you have with your children especially with sex ed if you go on Facebook now they list like nine different genders so how are they how are you or how are they approaching sex with you know things we didn’t have to deal with a generation ago yeah and you know they talk about those things very openly in school no and you know I think back when I was in school so I’m 47 years old and when I was in high school and junior high like if we had someone for example that was homosexual like we definitely had people who were homosexual in my school but it was it wasn’t open and people didn’t talk about it now it’s they have clubs on campus like there’s people walk around very openly expressing their feelings holding hands like it’s just a whole different world and you know I I land in the realm of that being okay you know I’m glad that those that were able to express ourselves that way I think the kids do get a little confused sometimes with all the and I get confused if I’m being honest sometimes with the different you know gender labels that we have and sometimes I have to do a little research to find out you know what is what does it mean to be binary and that kind of thing you know I think there’s a lot of terminology that’s coming into our world that we’ve never had before we’re on that other side of the token you know there is some pushback I hear from parents about television and you know not the nightly shows we watch but the cartoon channel where the kids are watching during the day that they’re exploring me that maybe the parents haven’t had that conversation with them yet yeah yeah no that what I mean it’s a lot yeah I mean those those characters pop up in some of the books they read even in children’s stories you know and as characters on shows that they’re watching my boys aren’t watching so much like the Nickelodeon stuff anymore they’re they’re older so they’re watching kind of more the stuff that I watch they’re not watching Retd are things necessarily but they have questions you know they come to me and ask questions too and I I feel like as long as we are painting people in a positive light it’s when we start kind of bashing people on shows and things like that that I think it sets it up to be a little bit more negative so for me I want my kids to be open-minded and explore not not necessarily their own sexuality which I do anyway but want them to know about themselves but to be open to other people and open to having friends who were maybe you know identify differently than they do and not to be rigid you know I want them to be open people from an intrinsic motivation standpoint I applaud it and it was really important to what you said as far as having that communication when they’re young because do you have maybe our generation where the family is you know no longer because maybe the guy or the woman has has these feelings that they probably had their whole lives right they were they were taught to have that nuclear family and they were never happy exactly yeah I think I think this up-and-coming generation is going to have a lot more freedom to be who they may be their true selves and not have to conform as much as I know in my generation there is a lot of conformity so Diana may ask you to talk a lot about how you communicate with your boys and how that’s been you know with them growing up with what’s the communication space I’ve lit with their father what’s different about it uh-huh with me and their father with them and their father and their father with them and their father you know men in general and boys to tend to be a little bit more direct so one of the things I teach in my classes is that men are more linear so like my husband when he talks to the boys he’s very direct you know when the boys are doing it when they’re fighting for example my husband will come in and say knock it off right where I come in and I’ll say like I’m more circular women have all these extraneous words and language and I’ll come in and say don’t be mean to him he’s your brother and when you hit him it hurts him and then it breaks his heart you know I’m going on and on and on with all this stuff so when my husband communicates with them they’re kind of all in this little symbiosis because they they all are pretty linear so do you just give them a directive you know but luckily my husband is also pretty emotional and so he’s very connected to them they have great talks they they love the outdoors so they spend time in the outdoors together and there’s a lot of communicating that happens there my kind of communication with them is a lot more like let’s sit and sit on the couch together and side by side usually and have a conversation where his is more like men and boys tend to relate more through like shared activities so I would maybe even ask both of you gentlemen like when you’re with your friends or whatever usually a lot of men’s activity n communicating with each other revolves around a shared activity whether that playing basketball together going golfing playing video games building something right whatever it is would you say that’s true for you guys yeah in my lifetime yeah I would say that would be true ya know we’re women I’ve been one situation my sister we always just braided each other’s hair that’s how we kind of communicate I should have said that govern Atlanta now the stereotyping unwanted attention out yeah man it’s and you know a lot of girls and women just hang out to hang out and just talk like I often will say like I might pick up my phone to call a friend and talk to her because I miss her and there’s no reason for my call and just calling because I want to talk but most men when they call each other it’s not just I want to talk to you it there needs to be a purpose for the call so maybe they call and say hey what time you want to meet tomorrow to do XYZ and then they might have this great conversation but it most men react in an odd way when they’re like well why’d you call I just want to talk to you yeah you know – most men that’s strange because men don’t relate to each other like that and so my husband and boys kind of don’t relate that way either but if you give them a purpose or an activity or a goal then that communication becomes secondary which is amazing exactly the only the only exception I would probably say it’s like if it’s a friend you know you’re you know in daily communication are you frequently blessed if it’s like a male friend talk to him a long time then I I might called a it’s called to see what’s what’s going on with you type thing that might not know list yeah activity associated with but that’s usually if you haven’t topless on in a long time yeah and you know my husband has I think two friends that he would call to just talk to that he is very connected to they’re like close they know his areas of vulnerability which for men men don’t splash their vulnerabilities all over the place generally with each other unless that you’re a really good friend you know so it’s those friends that he’ll do that with but I mean women will talk to anybody we tell strangers our problems you know when women would I agree you get you could say that from the socialization again it’s for when when I was living with my girlfriend she didn’t tell who I was talking to on the phone if it was a female or a guy right yes felt like a guy was like three seconds since and she’s like okay that’s probably one of his buddies like why are you talking to drill the log yeah no totally those conversations not always but a lot of times they don’t last long and they’re pretty pretty direct you know but girls and women will talk just for the sake of talking we don’t even care what we’re talking about yeah let me ask you this so I mean he said you grew up he was all girls and now you have two boys and children whether it’s boys or girls they can ask funny questions at young ages is there see – maybe like boys will ask certain kind of questions as opposed to little girls or maybe more boys more in general asking plenty questions more than girls or the kind of you think uh even yeah you know I don’t have girls so I’m not sure how girls what kinds of questions they would necessarily act but I think more instead of whether they’re boys and girls I think it is more based on whether asking questions in general is acceptable in their home so do you live in do they live in a home where it’s encouraged and supported for them to ask sometimes embarrassing questions or you know questions about their body or my body or whatever so I kind of feel like it’s more how open the house and the family is to having conversations like that because there are lots of families where there’s there are taboo topics you’re not allowed to ask questions about sex you’re not allowed to ask questions about pregnancy or whatever you know you might body your body so to me it kind of is more about what is the environment that you create in your house that teaches them that it’s okay to ask questions or not mm-hmm okay and so you said you had three sisters two sisters yeah three including me okay so just I’m just wondering what the what the bathroom situation was like growing everything Oh Lord no we were getting we were a mess there was because there were three of us my mom and dad and two bathrooms so and I grew up in the 80s mind you so that is very hair intensive you know bathroom time intensive a lot of arguing yeah yeah I used to wear this in early 80s I work had a co-worker and her father always you know father wanted the boy and he kept trying anyone was all said then he had 11 girls oh wow you know identity I’m there yeah and I used to always tease I like man I can’t imagine what that bathrooms it and she’s like yeah you know you want to know that is crazy yeah you don’t have a big house for all those girls or have some kind of schedule or add a bathroom or some yeah yeah and if it were to 80s you make me think they they were two reason why we have global warming with all that hairspray there I know all the Aqua Net we were so bad so bad but the question for you and as far as you know we’re talking about okay like the 80s and that maybe that was a different time and now you know Facebook has mounting genders and you have open communication in your family and you were talking about the way the father communicates versus you have have any of the messages ever been misconstrued like they were in a fight at school and they were like don’t punch me because then it will hurt me and I won’t like it where does this have any money well I’m lucky to say my kids have not gotten into any fistfights at school thank goodness but my kids are stalkers so you know they’ve grown up with me and they’ve grown up with my husband who’s really funny and he’s a talker too and so you know the funny thing is is more so they’ve learned to talk themselves out of those situations my husband was notorious for that when he was in high school people would cuz he was a big guy and people would come after him you know and kind of push him around a little bit and he would just be able to laugh and joke his way out of it so I think the skill there is actually being able to take a situation that could become more volatile and being able to talk your way out of it that’s like employs your husband a comedian or a attorney he’s a caterer but he’s just really funny you know when you’re talking about the open communication I think I just want to keep honing on that because it made me think of college actually and all the wolves that exist in college so you know you know once upon a time I may have been a wolf but you know the juniors and seniors will wait for the freshman girls to come along and the girls that had greater communication or at least you know some level of knowing what’s going on they didn’t go home they graduated versus the ones that were and then at home where they weren’t allowed to talk about a lot of things they went home from school early you know they got pregnant and they didn’t finish when everyone else did so yeah the takeaway is communication is key yeah and being I mean I’ve definitely had some awkward conversations with the boys when they’re asking me stuff but we always had a rule and we still do that if they have questions about anything they can ask me and I’ll answer and some of the questions they have you know are like can you get pregnant from kissing and this is where those things still get perpetuated and people don’t realize they can get pregnant without having like real full sex you know like you can get pregnant by having a little bit of sex you know they don’t realize that and so I think the more you can just have that home again with that open environment where kids feel comfortable coming to ask you stuff like my kids friends would send my boys to come ask me questions for them because they couldn’t ask their parents you know when they were little so I think there’s a lot of houses where there’s still that real awkward feeling around some of these questions that these kids have and they need someone safe to go and ask mm-hmm they Tim that come to you more the ask questions or their father oh definitely me after you definitely me yeah yeah and it’s not that day what my husband Dave wouldn’t share or answer the question but I mean I’ve just been that person in their life with come to me and I’ll tell you you know I just say that over and over come to me and I’ll tell you anything you want to know and I don’t give them more information than they need you know when they first were asking me how people get pregnant you know when they were in 4th 3rd or 4th grade and I was like well man has a sperm woman has an a the man decided to give the sperm to the woman and she has a baby and they were like ok you know that was good for them for like a year and then later they’re like well how does that happen you know and then I have to go into more detail but know it would definitely be me and I don’t think it’s because they’re embarrassed to ask him but my kids just know that I’ll tell them the answer you’re also saying that he robots will never replace humans because I’m sure they get wacky Google searches and you have to refute half of what they’re low my gosh yeah there’s a yes I do when I did I’m eliciting your help right now because this is my 10th year of being and the Big Brother Big Sister program and when I was when I first started with my little you know he six turning seven so I was like not everything but he you know he kind of confided and you know we talked about a lot of things and fast forward to today it was like well can you I was talking to his mother and she was like well you probably have to text them and don’t get upset if he doesn’t text you back he hasn’t even text back people on the family so what’s a good way to kind of just let him try to relate to how I was at the 15/16 where maybe I did need a lot of alone time and maybe I would come out of that cave later how would you deal with the teenagers that’s not talking yeah you know and and I definitely have these moments with my kids too like my 13 year old right now is struggling a little bit and he’s in seventh grade a lot goes on in seventh grade but he’s just into that phone man and he he it’s hard to have those conversations I would say to not push it because when we push it when they’re not in the right frame of mind like we were talking about earlier you’re just again not going to be able to get anything out of them I would choose to maybe take them somewhere again I go to get them in the car you know a lot of times when I get my son in the car I’ll say let’s I’m going to put my phone in the in the glove compartment let’s both put our phones just for fun in the glove compartment just for the right you can get it back out later you know I try to give them it’s just a little bit we’re going to do this but if you can get them in the car get them out to go do something get them in a space where there’s not a lot of distractions like again the car that’s a great way to kind of do to start that conversation I’ve stopped kind of fighting you know when my kids are either playing video games or on their phones or whatever I realize that’s their way to unwind but I also want them to be able to step away from that and and connect with me so part of it too is getting in their head where they are so like my 13 year olds really into this game on this phone called dragon Vale I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it before but he’s super into it just hold dragon thing and so today when I picked him up from school and he’s in his phone and he’s texting and he’s not really talking to me you know I start I kind of look over at what he’s doing he’s in his dragon thing I’m like oh did you get a new dragon and then it’s like yeah I got this one that was blah blah blah I’m like Oh what does that do when I start asking him all these questions about the dragon you know and and I don’t understand what’s going on in that video game but i all i know is that i am talking to him and he’s talking to me and we’re connecting right even though we’re talking about dragons and then once that conversation is over it’s easy for him to then maybe tell me what happened at school or whatever you know so try to figure out what what your teenager is interested in in that moment right and start a conversation about that even if it’s something you don’t care about get it get in their head kind of where they are I have so many conversations about video games and I don’t know memes I talk about memes all the time like I don’t care about memes I don’t even know what you’re talking about half the time but they want to talk about that you know so be willing to talk about what they want to talk about I pre a like that I mean both both your boys have they read the book and how do they feel about you writing a book that they were you know about them when your family and whatnot yeah you know they were along the on the whole ride with me so they have definitely read it they helped me pick the cover so we had like a contest where we had multiple covers and people were voting on it online and stuff and so they helped me pick the final cover they go to book signings with me when I do book signing that may sign the book too so they feel like little celebrities they love it oh yeah what about some of their friends have some other their their age friends read it – yes yeah and you know it’s funny a surprising demographic that has been drawn to the book are like 13 to 15 year old boys like so many people that I don’t even know have bought the book and their their 14 year old or 15 year old son get ahold of it and the people are sending me pictures they’re sending me video my son hasn’t sat down and read an entire book in years and he stayed up all night reading this and I could hear him laughing out loud in the other room and he was having so much fun and so that has been probably the most surprising result of writing this book is how many and girls – but definitely those blades are they it’s like funny boy humor you know they all relate to these stories yeah I’d like for you before we head out to be a part of a public service announcement so with my little we kind of smacked them out of it maybe a year or two ago but he thought it was okay because you were talking about the phones he thought it was okay to quote-unquote break up with this girl over the phone uh-huh yeah no no no please please give us your public service announcement of how that is not acceptable yes well you put time and care into that relationship you know even if it only lasted a month you want to put the time and care into ending the relationship as well so we it’s just not a kind thing to do to somebody and I always say how would you feel if someone did that to you you know and so many people break up with each other over a text nowadays and it goes back to that whole thing of time and place you know it’s just not the right way to go about doing that yeah and if it’s commonplace there’s never a good time to break up with someone over attack no there’s not and it’s a hard you know life is full of hard conversations and especially with younger people and and even people my age when they need to break up that’s a hard conversation to have but we have to be willing if we’re willing to get into the relationship we have to be willing to end it gracefully as well absolutely thank you for that yeah yeah so yeah it’s very important like you said with boys and men and grown women they kind of gain issues it’s a technology that they’re not they’re being lazy I guess you could say yeah what and just because something’s easy doesn’t mean it’s right you know that’s what we always have to go back to – exactly so with joys of raising boys the good the bad and the hilarious how can we get in touch with that book and how you said you have speaking engagements or your book signings how would people get in contact with you to do that yeah so my book is sold pretty much anywhere books are sold so Amazon Barnes & Noble Goodreads all those places and it’s yeah the joys of raising boys the good the bad in the hilarious and then I also have a website so it’s just Diane and calm aut en you know they can get information there as well I did most of my book signing so my book came out in July and I’ve done quite a few maybe about 20 book signings up until just before Christmas so I don’t have any book signings coming up I’m hoping to do one or two around Mother’s Day so people can always look on my website and kind of see when that’s happening to mmm I would think such as January some women might want to read it when they’re dealing with their boyfriends for a Valentine’s Day yeah [Laughter] well you have just didn’t heed to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homeys perspective this is Hamza and I am David Diane it was a pleasure speaking with you let’s stay in touch yes thank you so much for having me on I really appreciate it yes thanks for being here of course thank you thank you bye bye [Music]


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