Emily Slingluff: Why Is There So Much Hate in the U S?

Emily Slingluff: Why Is There So Much Hate in the U S?
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good morning good evening good afternoon everybody out there in podcast land you are in tune to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective this is Hamza and I am David today without further ado I’m really interested to hear more from our guests there’s been a lot in the news for those that watch the news every day and in it it just seems like wow it’s at the end of the world is there a cliff that we’re all about the drive off I mean it seems like there’s no end in sight to all of the bad news and so our guest Emily sling luff she’s going to talk about why is there so much hate in the u.s. typically when we watch the news there seems to be a lot of finger-pointing depending on what side you on if you’re on a side but she has a totally different perspective on it she’s she’s saying the onus is on us and it could be on our parents and so for those that like pointing a finger at others then might be in for a shock so put your seat belt on we’re going to hear her take from the media expert Emily Fling laughs welcome to the podcast a big thing I was going to lead to it gently shall I try on out well I was just thinking some of our feedback that we’ve gotten from guests is they they say that we use band-aids and they don’t like for us to use band-aids so they said rip that sucker off and have her go right at it about this for a very very long time different phases of it but I think that I can say something that may help your listeners just figure it out themselves okay anybody who feels hate has hate inside himself I mean that that’s a no-brainer anybody who hates feels hate inside himself now when I say he I mean he or she I’m I could say he or she every time I hear my her but I mean Emma her oh yes okay so some people have hatred inside themselves and some do not right and I’ll start with a little shocker here I’ll ask all of you listening what you think on the first day of a mass murder when it’s announced you listening to a newscast on he says something about the horrible murder the Alando nightclub shooting of Las Vegas or the Parkland school whatever he mentions the culprit the accused and then says we do not yet know the cause I think oh yes we do we know we know the cause and I can say it in one word okay everybody ready ready one word the cause of mass murders is unhappiness unhappiness yeah now some may say oh for goodness sake we’re going to sake that’s silly that’s silly what do you mean by happy well I will tell you that years ago many many years ago I heard a very respected psychiatrist says the goal of psychiatrists in treating patients of any age is happiness and I was surprised only first second because then I realized happy it’s not a little tiny word happy is a huge word we can think now okay mulling over that think about a little child think of it maybe a little six-year-old in first grade and a little six-year-old goes up to another little six euro and punches him in the shoulders well maybe says nobody likes you your ears are too big something something to hurt another little six-year-old now we call you know what we call those little six year olds we call them little bullies they’re trying to hurt another little six-year-old how sad that is how sad that is now not all little six-year-olds want to hurt all of us not all older people want to commit mass murders but in both of those cases unhappiness it’s the cause now yeah with me on this right all right they’re happy people we all know are usually nice to other people think about it I mean maybe a lot of people haven’t dwelt on this word happy but when you think about it happiness as I said it’s it’s huge a person who is happy with himself who’s happy with life itself is usually a kind to other people I mean I don’t mean happy is having a whole bunch of Hershey bars or you know a brand new iPad or something I mean true deep happiness so I would say that we should probably feel sympathy for those people who are full of hatred because they’re unhappy you with me so far yeah yeah it is simple I like that the part yeah go for it go for it some people unhappy and some people are not okay I hope you’ve absorbed all of all the first part because I think it’s hard to not accept that that the people who commit mass murders or even the little children who are being unkind to each other and not all little children are in con dicho just some people are and just some people want to commit mass murders so why why are some people one way and some people are another way and no for years people used to say all people are just born certain ways right maybe some people listening right now thinking that but maybe some up on the latest scientific research which has proved that even genes can be changed in a young child if there is abuse physical or emotional abuse okay is everybody still shocked lying on the floor believe on that I agree with you everything that you’re saying that’s kind of felt that way so you already built that way yeah yeah I’ve always felt up every I’m feel sorry for people better than that much you know that much pain and have that much hate so it’s never that interesting feeling start up I’ll tell you one little simple shouldn’t do this a little personal thing here wouldn’t get back to the big topic I told my son when he was little I said if anybody ever hit you there’s no reason to hit back just feel sorry for that person he’s probably been hit and maybe by his own parent and isn’t it the truth imagine everybody feeling that way imagine the world full of people who are kind to each other or caring about each other instead of feeling hatred and we can do something about it I think there’s something we can do but some people listening probably already are kind of wondering because of the psychiatrists comments unhappiness it is truly being mentally unhealthy obviously that’s that’s the true meaning of unhappiness a person who’s happy feels um confident and I mean confident about himself respected as a person instead of the opposite which is why people go for help as they get older they realize they they don’t really feel quite right maybe people don’t like me or I’m not quite sure when I’m supposed to be doing here with life and I just feel confused this is to another term for it happy is is a simple way to say it but I think it’s accurate you know alright yes okay all right okay so what can we do about it that’s my topic right yes there is something that we can do we don’t have to just throw up their hands and say it’s too complicated we can’t do anything some people just can be awful and so on but this I will throw it and I think everybody will agree with this the formative years call formative because their formative ok let that sink in the formative years I’ll call formative because they are formative now the main influence at that time is the parent some may say oh oh oh well I know that parent took took that childhood to the mother still the grandmother loved the child well who made the decision to do that the mother the parent makes the decisions in the very beginning about what influences there will be on the child and the parent can decide if she is the main influence or if she is a big influence which she is either directly or indirectly she can decide I can tell you three points that actually I have put in a book because I heard so many people over the time as I was listening to other broadcasters and things talked about parenting and making it so complicated you know a lot of people think parenting is complicated I know it does not have to be complicated it can be simple okay you wanted me to come on and say something surprising maybe maybe they can be simple and it can be fun and wonderful a pleasure not a problem okay so I’ll tell you one two three points ready okay okay then we can go into the tail as much as you want I wish they’d be call ends I love that one but you can probably guess what all these people are saying so can I guess what the listeners are thinking I’m used to the questions because this is surprising some people have not looked at parenting the way they can look at it I’d say one two three realize the importance set a goal reach the goal that’s pretty simple how about that I love it realize the importance okay I’m going to talk about that for a minute do we think it’s important or some people listening think you know parenting done much matter you just have a child and that’s it oh whatever happens happens but I think most parents do care I mean I’ve even talked to parents who sent to me by the social services bureau in Norfolk and and they had abuse their children and even those parents I would say loved their children they thought what they were doing was the right thing some of them some of them was so unhappy themselves that they did not have much of a choice that’s part of this whole thing but while parents realize that it matters some may not focus on how very very much it matters I would ask everybody listening right now I’ve just got you to listening at the moment before all the rest of the listeners but is there any job that you can name there’s any more important than the job of parenting I mean think about it the world can be no better than the people in it I’m taking the words of louima kado and a book called what was it called the right to be intelligent I like that book anyway the world we know that the world can be no better than the people in it no matter what jobs are done and a lot of jobs matter almost every single job malice the people doing the job matters I mean heaven knows we need farmers we need carpenters but we want those people to be kind to honest people we don’t want our house to fall apart on everything matters goes back to the person doing the job so no when I have a question for you Emily so when I’m yeah sure so it’s really funny when you’re talking about people that are unhappy and I actually just found out a few minutes ago I’m usually on top of this so this may be unhappy today is actually ice cream day and they were giving away free ice cream at Dairy Queen that made me very unhappy right and so the other thing is when you’re talking about parents you know a lot of people or that one of the big nut jokes but that people saying conversation is at least I’m not going to be on Oprah in 30 years you know blaming you mom and dad and we’re having this we’re having this conversation two days after March 18th which was actually national forgive mom and dad day so yeah so when you forgive mom and daddy you’re talking about in one case mass murderers and feeling sorry for them on some level I think that’s why I forgive mom and dad day came about because they didn’t have the tools initially and they did the best that they could at the time so it’s kind of a give-and-take with child and parent once the child becomes an adult I’m so glad you said that I will tell you I do not blame I don’t like the word blame anyway hope we’re all trying to do our best but I don’t blame parents I do not know their gosh so much I want to say I beg forgive my mom and dad yes think there’s always hope I guess you can tell I’m fairly happy soul here so I think this hope if parrot wants to be forgiven I mean I’ve had too many people say to me I read your book about what to do with the little child but my child now is ten years old on my child’s 15 years old it’s too late and I said you can sit down and talk to that child and say you know what I thought what I was doing was right but I wish I’d done it differently I wish I’d been Condor to you I wish I’d been on your side instead of always against you always saying no don’t do that oh dude don’t do it because I said not to do it it’s why don’t ask me again or you’ll be punished I mean that sounds too familiar I know we hear people say it all the time and and it’s so so so so so wrong why not be on the child side always you know and so I think that the parent can to get back to what you said say to the child I’m sorry I frankly think it’s mighty hard for a child to just forgive a parent from those words I think the parent will also have to change to get true forgiveness because if a parent has been mean to a child it has an enormous effect on that child forever but if the parent changes Wow well that’s wonderful that shows that the parent really cares did I say all of that answering what you brought up yeah well when you’re and thank you for that thanks for the clarification because my next question would be that your stance on different generations so if we would talk about the 70s and 80s it was the first time that both parents were out of the house and so if both parents are out of the house you have latchkey kids right and so or you know if they didn’t have a babysitter so the kids are pretty much raising themselves and parents more so did it because they want what’s best for their children but here you have you know grown adults you know upset with their parents because maybe they weren’t there or they felt they didn’t spend enough time with them and that could be a generational thing because generation before either you know mom pretty much stayed home and so there was consistency and a constant just love and discipline and all that went together that didn’t happen in the 70s and 80s as the family dynamic changed yes there there is a change and a lot of mothers are choosing and you made a comment it would be best for the children I don’t know to make more money so the child would have more money or a big a house on extra car what is best for the child if we really think hard about it it’s love and kindness from the parent talk to many many people who grew up extremely poor pouring money who got love from one parent maybe it was two in some cases often when people have talked to me they’ve mentioned one usually the mother but sometimes sometimes a problem but that that’s what really gives a person inner peace happiness with life he’s having that love and security from the beginning I mean we can imagine a child the same child say someone who’s very similar wouldn’t be exactly the same put in two entirely different home settings and one while where the mother leaves every single day to make more money and the other one who stays home and hugs the child announces the questions and never barks adding never said artists but listens and answers questions and ask the child questions respects the child I think get off on so much but I think the word respect is a very interesting word because you know we’re here people say got to get that child to respect the palate well you know the way to do it is to have the parent respect the child from the moment the child comes into the world and why not that child’s aware of a human being whoever it is unless the power leads it astray and it becomes full of hatred but turn anyway I heard you mention too is I want to go back to this that is so good to have the parent give the child love and like they did more there’s still a lot of people who are choosing to stay home and I will say in two or three thoughts with going off on tangents here but recently I have noted that when a mother chooses to be a full-time mother I bet you’ve noticed this too maybe not but when somebody says their full-time mother they said with this aura of almost I can barely describe it it’s almost as if they’re little angels flying around off crown on her head or something but a crown of happiness not anything else I think the parents who do choose to stay home so proud of realizing that they’re doing something that is extremely important and it’s not only extremely important to their own child but and you know this to that one child will touch other people’s lives we know how many times one person has helped I’ll be a horrible hindrance so it is a hugely important job and I do think that mothers who are choosing to stay home are aware it may be a fairly new thing after this initial feminist movement in a way of women wanting to have paid jobs outside of the home other things that you say the grandeur of years ago of the mother giving the child love and discipline word discipline I wonder if you know the meaning of discipline I will tell you that years ago when I wrote my first book and I was given a talk and I was talking about the harms of spanking well this was years ago now most people know that spanking is harmful but then people were shocked and one person just raised your hand in the middle of the trunk said I’ve just got to ask you something you don’t believe in discipline and what I said to her I have said probably a hundred times since then the meaning of to discipline is to teach I looked it up recently I looked it up in my Webster’s unabridged dictionary and it said to educate it was the first definition and in Wikipedia on the internet here it said the first definition was to teach to discipline means to teach and we certainly know that a parent teaching a child works better not by hitting not by punishing it all but by being on the child side by being kind by working with the child putting herself in the child’s place and then knowing exactly what to do always you shocked again right well no I like it and I like the I think we’re uncovering here Emily as contrast we talk about in a lot of podcasts contrasts like if I had if I had some challenges it made me a better person to overcome those challenges and so when you’re saying that even that there’s even talk of a conversation of women wanting to stay in the home it’s because of the contrast where they they didn’t have a choice but to stay in a home and then when in the 70s and 80s they were given that opportunity and then they saw okay maybe divorce rates were increasing and the children they didn’t get the time and love like you’re saying to the children so we’re going back to some of those ways and the other part that you mentioned was eating people miss destroying discipline for hitting children and generations ago it could have been well my dad did that my grandfather did that whereas now we’re like we see the contrast where we can put ourselves in the shoes of our children so to speak like what you said you know an interesting thing while we’re delving here the reason I haven’t gotten to my second and third points real clearly put but we’re coming touching on them already the reason some parents are not as kind as they could be well sometimes it’s because they’re just following what they read in a book or what they’ve heard somebody say or what their neighbors did none of which are good reasons I hate to say that but excuse me too many people who write about parenting and who speak about parenting are still a little caught up in what was considered the usual I guess years and years ago but what is happening now with people who are in the business big time is more what I’m saying right now someone came to my house you know I’m not years ago maybe about a year ago who very involved in a New York business not volunteer but paid for years helping families I think that was the way it was I like the word helping parents better than families because I think one parent can do it but anyway and she was stunned she read an article that I had an interview that was in the paper when I had first written the book years ago and she said I am amazed that you thought that that many years ago because it’s what we’re teaching now and and I think people are trying to teach it I don’t know that I do know enough of them all realizing how far it can go you don’t have to be just a little bit kind you can be all the way con familiar let me ask you what about and I agree with everything that’s a saying and I just but I’ve seen situations where you have two parents and for all intents and purposes they’re very loving parents they love their children and they might let say have four or five children but there’s the this one child that just is you know always in trouble maybe this not agree the parenting doesn’t see necessarily very with all but this seems like in some cases is always maybe one child that is just off a little different than the rest of them and is just no struggles I guess you could say when they’re growing up why do you think that is well that’s interesting and and and one thing that’s worth saying and every thinking person knows the exceptions to everything so you know no matter what kind of regardless of any topic but four or five children I that’s a whole lot of children I don’t know I had two children and my husband was thinking really I’m telling you personal things here but he thought we’d have three children because he was one of three children you know that’s often the way it goes and I had was one of two and I said we would have less money and we would have less energy to help the two children if we had three children but anyway just throwing that out I think there’s some way that that child was treated by the parent that’s what I think without any question and whether you know that some thought oh the middle child suffers you know if their three children you’ve heard that everybody they’re so excited to be at the first child they want the first child to excel and every single thing and and then the last child is so excited because it’s a baby and the middle child is neglected there’s so much there’s so much I mean if you know the expression helicopter parents we don’t want too much hovering anyway I just think if a child is disturbed almost always it’s because of the treatment in the formative years because they’re called formative I’m not making it up and you know it do they call formative because they are formative and particularly in the very very beginning I will digress a tiny bit before I get into my point two and three but we’re kind of touching on them anyway I think from the very very beginning and this is something that another shocker for sure I think you know who we used to here I know I did the winner baby cries in the career you know you shouldn’t go to him because oh then they’ll be spoiled you just let him cry for a while you’ve heard that yes well I will tell you what happened to my family yeah I’m really opening up to you the first time we were alone with our first little boy first John we’d had a nurse thanks to our parents helping us and the nurse had taken time off and he made a little cry while we were sitting down to have our supper in another room and I said to my husband I cannot believe I’m saying this but this is what I did say I said I just been told well this nurse when she left it sometimes babies cry and you just don’t worry about it they just cry and as you said you’ve heard to you don’t go to him well there’ll be spoiled well anyway I said that to my husband we just let him cry he stood up and said I do not care what anybody says I am NOT going to let my child cry and we never did there was nobody reason for them to cry and we were kind in the very beginning and then they were kind back the the thing I was going to say is the baby crying in the crib answering that cry gives that baby a sense of security I mean if we can like we’re supposed to do put us up in the other person’s place and suppose we were the baby lying in the crib and we didn’t know where we were we don’t know what this world is we don’t know anything we’ve been inside a woman’s body we don’t know and and we make a sound we can’t say please come what is this or who are you and we don’t know what to say we just make a cry because we don’t we can’t talk we’re brand new baby and suppose nobody comes and then we continue to make a cry and we find we can make a little louder cry still nobody comes and we’re getting your word probably is unhappy definitely confused definitely insecure all the things we don’t want and nobody comes and we finally cry ourselves to sleep and that goes on and on and on for years how would we feel suppose instead we were the baby crying and immediately with the little cry and came the mother the father picked up the baby and hugged and said I love you I love you and hugged it and took the baby in where they were and kept hugging it you know you cannot hold a baby too much when it’s a little hug and hold and tell the baby you love it change the diapers do whatever be kind kind kind and the child will not be crying much longer it’s amazing the child will be happy I mean you could put the child back in bed after a while and say call me if you want anything but not be a mean dictator but be kind so I would say go to the baby crying in the crib is huge as a start and I don’t know how people manage with a whole lot of children some people have more energy than others right report children it’s kind of hard to answer every question and and that’s what really makes life so wonderful for a child is to have a parent who and who answers the questions you know so you’re saying yeah continuing and then we can keep on to the details it’s sort of what we’re saying anyway mom 1 2 3 points was realized the importance set a goal and the goal I bet you know what it is from what I’ve said so far it’s well let me just let me just say this might be worth a lot of parents think they should have goals plural right right have goals have you heard that yes have goals okay so when the baby’s little your goal is have the baby sleep through the night and not be disturbed you I think that’s sad a move makes me sad to hear that but a little bit older have a child up at so many questions has something happened to the phone can you hear me all right you’re you sound fine on my end but it sounds like ya guys and it’s a little bit old of the child maybe you have a goal and not ask questions which also disturbs me that’s a horrible thing to wish that and then you wish you’d do well in school and then you wish this and then you we should get married to have money and so forth but what would you wish when the child is 60 or 70 years old and suppose all those things that a parent wish was true but that child at every age is unhappy what was it going to be then I think the scary part of that and when you’re talking about goals it reminds me of Wayne Dyer one thing he always said that and one of these stories was when he was he couldn’t wait I think that was the premise he could wait so when he was in elementary school he couldn’t wait to be in middle school when he was a teenager could wait to be an adult when he was an adult he couldn’t wait to have children couldn’t wait to buy a house and then when he was old he was like I never lived because I was always I could wait for something else I couldn’t appreciate what I currently had with the kind parent we’re appreciating I think again I’m straying from a little ideas here but not really when you see a parent pushing a little baby in a stroller and parent is listening to music on the iPhone I just think how sad that is I mean that parent could be talking to the child about the puppies they are seeing all the blossom on a dogwood tree that just came or how pretty the sky is that day something you know enjoying life appreciating life I wrote a blog about that strolling with the baby well anyway so that’s to is to set a goal and obviously from all that we’ve been saying you know the goal would be for the child to be happy yeah it would be not disturbed and the parent can do that oh so 0.341 is realized the importance to is set a goal of happiness for the child and three reach the goal by being kind that’s it one two three because yeah I do wanna go back let’s go back to question number one I want to piggyback off of what okay is that I don’t know okay so I want to piggyback off of what David was saying with multiple children and it’s realized the importance so are you familiar with freakanomics sure so Freakonomics it was a great book there were two authors one was a I want to say he was an economist and the other was a psychologist so they wanted to put the two together and one it was fire even and it’s fiery this book was in 2006 so the fiery premise that I’m about to tell you and back then and it was a fiery premise today and what they had noted was the crime rates in New York in the late 80s New York City and they were like wow why is crime going down in New York City and they were like well was it that they had more police was it because that was the beginning the surveillance where you had cameras everywhere and they said no this was 16 17 years Exley was at 16 years after Roe versus Wade and what happened prior to Roe versus Wade parents just kept having children if they wanted them or not you had a lot of woopsie babies and children felt it like you said if they’re not giving them the the love and attention that could be happy children felt hey I’m not wanted so when they were teenagers they started acting out and then they were like well after Roe vs. Wade you know you had a choice so you didn’t have to have the baby and keep reminding them hey you weren’t wanted or they didn’t feel that way they felt hey you had a choice in I am wanted I am wanted here and so people had less children and they were able to spend more time with them like you’re saying so they were happier and so it wild a lot of feathers of course because they’re talking about Roe versus Wade but you also saw a drop in a lot of cultures from having a lot of children because like you were saying can you spend a lot of time for them with them and if they’re like 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 they’re all competing for your attention and somebody’s going to maybe fall through the cracks so the the other side of that to be topical is you realize the importance you love your babies because this is in the news that they’re calling them what do you call them lawn mower babies or snowplow baby no are you hearing lawn mower parents or snowplow parents have you heard those terms yet no not helicopter won’t know more helicopter used to hover over the lawnmower and the snow plow would run to run everything out every obstacle out of the way and so the when they just broke up this ring with a chance of paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for their children to go to these Ivy League schools they set a goal they want the best for their children but the Chilterns not a part of the decision-making process so what’s your take when the parent tries to take over every obstacle and the children and the children doesn’t learn [Music] you know I think putting oneself in the other person’s place it’s just a wonderful way to remember it but I’ve said different things about the one the second thing is to set a goal and then the third thing reach the goal easily I think being kind is probably the simplest way to say it but putting oneself in the other person’s place is another way positive parenting rather than negative parenting is another way to say it you know I mean I just said terrible foot some parents do know you can’t do that because I said you can’t that’s why and I’m Your Mother and don’t ask me again or you’ll be punished that’s negative obviously but instead the positive parenting can be oh that would be fun to do that let’s see well how could we work that you know being on the child side being kind no the other thing I haven’t really even touched on yet it’s part of the kindness I think I did mention briefly but part of the kindness is not being a dictator at all which means not setting rules and meeting out punishment that means there are two sides to opposing sides it’s almost a master/slave although some master/slave relationships were nice but I mean it’s it’s not helpful to the child and I realize late in life that will we never punished there was never a reason to punish we talked about everything and they tried to be nice and we tried to be nice and it was so simple and wonderful I have a quote here and I can just say it to you I think I read it years ago Bruno Bettelheim wrote about punishment okay you ready I’m ready punishment no this isn’t in the parent-child relationship punishment may make us obey the orders that are given but at best we’ll only teach and obedience to Authority not a self-control which enhances our self-respect to have two sides let me ask you another question with regards to economics so when it’s all things being equal going back to let’s say 60s 70s early 80s it was more of a level playing field across the board and just recently on the Bill Maher show he had a map of the United States because they were talking about Jeffrey Bezos the owner of Amazon opening a new location either in New York or DC I believe it was Washington DC and so he was like well why don’t you open it in Middle America or other places like that because in this map you had a growing economic disparity with with families where you have more have more have-nots than you have have and if you if there isn’t that level playing field where you live and you’re fighting for scraps do you have time to be kind to your children and maybe that’s why there’s so much hate now just because everyone’s not on a level playing field what’s your take on that well when I had mentioned if you have multiple kids if you can’t afford them right one kids going to fall through the cracks because you don’t have time to spend with them then if two parents are in the house there they don’t you’re still not given the child enough attention because it may be you have a lot of you have more mouths to feed and so if you don’t have an industry like an industry moves like the Rust Belt those jobs that they used to count on getting to gold watch and retirement they don’t exist anymore and so you’re kind of taken out of yeah I’d love to spend time with my kids but maybe I’m working two jobs now just so I can keep food on the table okay so we’re talking about the money thing now yeah absolutely well that’s yes I could talk about that for a long long time lots and lots and lots of people who are who were very pouring money have told me I think I mentioned that earlier a little bit that that they are extremely happy secure people one woman was head of a big organization she wrote a book parenting she came had an offer to speak and I became kind of friends a little bit with her she said she had so little money her father was a migrant worker and so they moved often and sometimes they didn’t have any food sometimes the only water was in a trailer that was nearby in a bucket she said her mother was so kind to her explained everything was open with loving and she then said when people think that poor people can’t help cherish their children I resent it so she was somebody that knew and I’ve talked to numerous people who grew up with very little money who are happy as can be because kind parenting also I will throw out that I know people who are extremely wealthy who have mixed up oh absolutely yeah why wasn’t sane absolutes we definitely want same absolute there and so so money is not what matters I mean I hate to say I wouldn’t have left my children my first child would have left either one of them but I mean it just would not I wouldn’t have I would have lived in a hut with no windows I would not have left them because if you stay with the child you can influence the child the way you think is best rather than taking him off somewhere else you don’t know what’s going to happen you know and and what a thrill that is what a thrill and its really the formative years that matters so much then this child goes to school you know but no I think I think forgetting punishment is a huge my second book I was at a conference in New York and I was calling it something else in Charlie and I’ll tell you what it is it’s the three points that I’m just I’ve just told you it’s all the book is it’s a real short one I think my first one is little more comprehensive but the way my telling you about parenting a very punishment what are we saying hello and then the people at the conference particularly the head of the conference was so entrenched that I believed parenting can take place without punishment that he said you’ve got to change the title of that book and I did I call the publisher and said leave can you leave all the words exactly as they are but just change so that’s what we did it’s called parenting without punishment but no but you know hmm I think getting getting back to hatred since that was what we’re talking about people who are full of hatred and who do things to hurt other people are unhappy and and there is a solution I think we truly should feel sorry for these people who are full of hatred I mean they may think they are big strong people stating their hatred but as you bet the newscaster what I heard from you that not long ago I heard him now I’m not sure what it was so I don’t want to tell you his name him from one of two people I was in the car and I heard him say where there’s hatred in this country now it is not just for one person and I don’t know what he said after that was an ad came on or what but I definitely understood because as I said at the beginning of this if there’s hatred inside somebody it’s inside them this hatred and it has nothing to do with the person being hated that person doesn’t feel anything it’s this hatred inside the person and how sad that is that somebody would feel hatred instead of enjoyment of life and so maybe we should tell them all we feel sorry for you yeah I guess that would be my follow-up because when you’re saying people can change and you’re talking about those formative years sometimes that hate is taught and so they may it may just be limited exposure who knows but then the child moves away and then they get exposed to you know different cultures or what have you and they they no longer harbor that hate that they had learned when they were in their formative years so what are some ways that children can overcome that if they’re in a hateful environment or they’re an environment where there’s punishment or they’re sitting and not the educating teaching discipline what’s a way that children or teens can get out reach either in the community or online but I feel like you here nice and an optimist which I am so I think there is hope but it’s the think of a people go into psychiatrists people who are troubled and they go at any age and I told you what the secod did I tell you what this psychiatrist said I did yes and and sometimes it works pretty well sometimes it works a little bit but as you see I’m quoting who is it you know what’s his name Frederick Douglass you know who he was lived in the 1800s he was a slave who became a respected statesmen he said it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men yep so this hope and I do agree with you other influences can matter tremendously but we know this this is a no brainer – we innovate the formative years so what happens later every single influence we know matters to us as long as we live you know whether it’s something we read or see or hear on television or whatever it is but those influences later in life are building on the foundation and so I mean two different people can listen to a talk and have different ideas because of what they were before that talk you know well I think this hope and and I hope there’s hope but I think that the best thing is for it to come from apology from the parent which you mentioned and I think it’s hard to experiment I think it’s right much to expect a child assist you I forgive you after something that is important is screwing up somebody’s life but but I think if the parent changes I mean if it’s time the child is still living at home or something there’s a teenager or something and the parent changes and is really kind you know I would think they would definitely be some some hope and certainly psychiatrists help and no believing in God is what a lot of people believe to that I think that’s probably the same thing as appreciating life for people who believe in God but I do think we can feel sorry for them for the people who are so who are full of hatred there but that it creatures you know they they were called crybabies at one point when something happened I think some election or something people didn’t like the the outcome and they weren’t able to go to school or and couldn’t go to class they were so full of crying and I well maybe that’s that’s the term that’s correct because maybe they were crying in the crib and they were not answered well one thing that I feel hopeful about is because you’re mentioning if there’s these case of mass murdering and what-have-you those people aren’t usually alive right afterwards if they get caught in the crossfire so there has been a lot of outreach with global communities on the web where they’re helping each other heal because it’s happening so often it’s no longer an isolated incident once every ten years I mean it seems like it’s always on the news so just the outlet that out outreach that’s happening on a global scale where these people can can take steps to healing because there will be some PTSD associated with that event especially if it happened I mean that’s always going to happen but especially if it happen when they were children it’s good that they have a outreach now whereas maybe a generation ago there weren’t as many resources so I do feel really confident about there may be a lot of hate or moreso hate in the US but that type to change on a dime no I like what you’re saying I hope so too but anybody who is unhappy enough to commit mass murder I would doubt would be able to become a happy so pretty easily you know I mean it’s one thing to have a little bit of hate but that’s having a whole lot of hate but I don’t know I loved um somebody gave me years ago the words of Billy Graham who said how a mother matters and he wrote a bit kindness and honesty which is what I did in my first book kindness and honesty a parent teaching the child instilling in the child to be honest and to be kind and the other thing was temperance which you know means being respectful of others holding back not being violent and the other thing with industry which means of course helping other people and a person who’s happy generally does want to help other people but I’d like to think you’re right that that’s helping but it’s harder to change somebody than it is to get it right in the beginning absolutely and we can only do our part so I’d love for you to share how you’ve done your part and how they can find out more information for a present to the new born and also for parenting without punishment well they’re both um both of those little books are on Amazon and easy to order from Amazon and they’re I’ve got the price kind of low I’m not in this to make money I’m in it to help it was kind of thrust upon me this school asked me to write and I did that years ago and then I have just felt like I had to keep it up on Amazon and also I have a website that has write much on it but my name is so hard to remember it’s Emily sling Liffe sling loop is hard to spell but a present to the newborn is a really easy to read short comprehensive book that I think will help any any parent with a child any age absolutely yeah thank you for that and so with that you have just been in tuned to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective this is Hamza David Emily it was great speaking with you and please keep up the great work well George speaking to you I hope I didn’t speak too much but I guess that’s what I was supposed to do right I think you think I make sense right oh absolutely I think it was perfect and I think the the message was germane to the times today oh my gosh yes but I wish every parent in the country would realize the importance of parenting and the importance of being kind because kindness brings happiness yes yes indeed on that note let’s stay in touch Emily and I will talk to you soon well you’re wonderful enjoy Atlanta thank you enjoy the enjoy virginia beach i’m so jealous [Music] you