How To Fix A Broken Relationship With Your Girlfriend – Fix A Broken Relationship Spell

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Video Transcript

good morning good evening good afternoon everybody out there in podcast land you are in tune to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective this is hamza and we had a slight emergency with my podcast mate david so hopefully he’ll join us a little later in the podcast without further ado I’d like to introduce our guest today she is the author and founder of everyday peace she’s a motivational speaker she is a pharmacist classically trained has a doctorate in pharmacy from Creighton University as my college friends would say south ID so she’s from she’s from south side of Chicago so hopefully everybody all the homies from Chicago yeah one of your own is on the podcast today and I’d like to say since I did talk about like some of my friends from Southside in college and all it was a time when we had a lot of growth and development and dr. Dre Vaughn James is no different she was introduced to norman vincent peale book the power of positive thinking and sees you that as a lifelong template she’s wrote has written a book about relationships everyday piece as she’s spoken with university or has a clients with University of District Columbia new hope world ministries she’s all over the place and she’s finally made it to intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective and she’s going to give us a prescription for it fixing damaged relationships without further ado welcome to the podcast dr. Dre Vaughn James it is my pleasure to be part of this podcast and yes I’m from the South Side Chicago so hopefully that will resonate with a lot of people and how our growth and development my life has been nothing but that and we all know that you can only grow right in the valley that’s where growth and development happens right Lee you’re on the mountaintop you sit there for a little while but then you dip back down and you do some more growing and development you climb back up so I have definitely a poster child for that now that said have I got it before we jump all into your business I’d like to ask you topical question from a fellow Chicagoan if you will by the name of mr. West he’s always in the news and as you mentioned life is not linear you there’s the beginning humble beginnings of many cases in a lot of respects and then you may be on the mountaintop and then you may dip and you’re going through against growth periods so I’d like to get your take on what’s going on with our famous entertainment celebrity say Kanye West from the south side of Chicago oh my goodness absolutely love Kanye West and I say that because I love all mankind I respect everybody’s journey I take nothing from anybody’s journey and even you know I happen like the rest of the world to see the famous or infamous however you look at it times been at the white house but I will say this courageous courageous courageous to put herself out there to say what he feels no matter what the rest of the world may think about what he’s feeling you know how we all get and we all do this we get in that place where we are afraid to speak our mind because we don’t want to seem imperfect to an imperfect world right we’re so concerned about everything being so perfect that comes out of us because my goodness people are going to judge us and you know we’re imperfect being and we’re going to be judged by imperfect people so it is and you know we have to give people a space to do whatever they need to do so that they personally can grow doesn’t mean that we had that their message has to resonate with us is their process he happens to have a much larger platform due to his work and effort that he’s put in in his life his platform is huge and some people say we have a huge platform I bet you have a huge responsibility your responsibility is always the same is to do the best you can with the time that you have to do the best that you can and if that’s the best thing he can do with the time with the face it is in right now that is all blessed that take it for what it’s worth capable absolutely and before we jump off of that I do want to say just a my humble opinion I was taught this a long time ago that things are as they appear and things are not as they appear and on one level right and on one level you could say that he’s a genius because if he wasn’t putting out such outlandish viewpoints it wouldn’t get people riled up and these people potentially may not even vote in the next two weeks but because of what he’s doing right it’s kind of like the reverse psychology to get people out and galvanized it is so true answer the same thing look how many people his voice his voice his name is going to reach people that no politician could ever rally you know you could do all the grassroots campaign that you want to you’re not going to reach certain people so his voice is going to awaken people for whatever reason those are supporting those that stand against him whatever but they’re awake now and they’re going to maybe do something that they would have never done before which is participate in this election process and that’s wonderful something good comes out of everything if we allow it everything perfect perfect so we’ll jump off of topical and get back into dr. Dre on so you had mentioned something I do want to jump into before we dive deep you mentioned perfection or perceived perfection and social media and and the latest commercial pixel is great because they show the pixel threes in the Google phone and people are taking these horrible photos but this new phone can magically make this perfect picture and you’ll never have to worry about filtering anymore and so we all have this image like you said of trying to prevent or try to portray this perfection in an imperfect world when did you get off of that or get out of that mindset oh my goodness well you know what let me just tell you I laugh a lot with my mom the oldest of three kids and my brother who’s 13 years younger than me is you know person who gave me the book when I graduated high school and he’s always been my hero academically because he mean this is a genius right and I was this kid who always struggling but I love to read and I love the arts and somewhere along the line growing up in a South Side Chicago you had I didn’t take myself that seriously you couldn’t take yourself that seriously I at least it wasn’t the mode of operation for me I had to realize that there were some things about me that were always going to be the center of other kids picking on and so as a way to I guess move through that period of my life and be okay because I wanted to be okay I have this personality where I love a long time but I love people too so I’m happy by myself but I love people too so I want to be in the mix of things I realized that I had to have what they call a thick skin I had to be able to laugh at myself and you know there was a period in my life where I made that decision I said you know these kids are picking on me for whatever reason you know was the hair but it lifts this that it was a thousand one thing if it wasn’t happening to me it would have been a great comedy but I decided very early on with the coaching of my brother that you’ll have to be perfect you know the guy does perfect the guide is imperfect what’s the difference what is he getting more than the other guy when I realized that very early on in grammar school I let go of that whole thing that I need to present myself perfect and of course it reared is hit you know as you grow in the world is more more competitive right you’re trying to get into college and people want you to be more be more be more it kind of reared its ugly head this pursuit of perfection again in my life especially when I went in to pharmacy school that was good people who were really really smart but for some reason for me I realized that that was so much stress and I just couldn’t I couldn’t handle that kind of stress I just realized it’d be better for me just to be me just to be me and give you the opportunity to accept or reject me as okay mmm that’s a really good point I would like to welcome David sounds like David just joined and so welcome to the podcast David hey hey David warm apt to yes I’m a superhero on Sunday so I have some superhero Dedes but I’m here now so it’s okay yeah perfect timing David because we’re talking about you being superhero and dr. Dre bond was talking about the pursuit of perfection and how many people fall short in how she was able to overcome that by being able to laugh at herself oh I’m using it yeah because I want to bring it up because David and I and some of our bringing we were taught amusement and so when you’re objective and look at things from an amusement standpoint or objective standpoint you don’t you’re not you’re not taken by the waves so to speak no matter how deep or how far they need to go and then when you have that when you just step back you can actually look at it from a different perspective so it’s always a different perspective from whatever anyone is going through yeah it is so interesting too because people look at perfectionism in a negative way a lot too because I think there is some good in the people who really if it wasn’t for people who desire to appear perfect it wouldn’t keep having the advanced or the iPhone or anything else right these people want to get better they want to get better anyone so I have a healthy appreciation for that because I do – everybody wants to get better it’s just that I believe that that better is from the inside and only I and only you truly know what your breast is right now you know always comparing it to the next guys best or what the next person is doing it’s this internal thing that says to you you hit the mark rest right here for a moment and then some other urge will come up and you’ll you’ll strive to be great your greatest at that but letting go of this whole thing that I need to appear to be perfect in the eyes of somebody who only knows me on the surface hmm that’s a really good point and I think it’s a really good segue for prescription for damaged relationships because if always in this pursuit of perfection when you meet somebody that foundation may be flawed from the beginning and if that’s what you’re currently working with who knows what the potential partner is working with and so what’s your take as far as what you’ve seen out there with relationships and what’s a better way to approach that first first impression I gotta tell you something funny that happened to me yesterday I was somewhere and I saw a book title and I don’t know whose cover was on the title but it says it said something to this that when someone starts off by saying you complete me run I can’t tell you how often I do talks and people will say to me I have found this person they just complete me and it makes me like sort of cringe inside because I kind of know where they’re coming from in the spirit of which they want to be received but I’m hoping at the same time that they don’t mean that with the heaviness and the depth of what it could be because no one can complete you but you right so when you meet two people or a group of people in it and they come together to me it’s always beautiful but they can communicate without killing each other right because you come together especially in a work environment sometimes they come together and each of you are bringing your own baggage with you your own hurts your own pains your own insecurities you know and your own triggers right this is a hot button for me it’s you know that sets me crazy that sets you crazy we all come together in some kind of way at the end of this exchange we all leave in one piece and I think that is a miracle every day every day I work with a guy years and years ago who had had some traumatic experiences and I never knew that I knew his behavior sometimes could be a little off-putting but when he shared a story with me I was amazed that he came to work at all and was able to sit through that and you know he had horrible experiences with violence and loss in his life and but he did okay in the work environment it wasn’t great but at the end of the day everybody he worked with went home he went home peacefully and it was a wonderful exchange I think if we approach every relationship like that like I don’t really know everything that you’re bringing to this interview all the other stuff that you’ve had go on in your day like I said you’re a super man today all the other things that you had to do in order to get to this stage and just respecting the fact that you’re here and I’m here and we could produce something really helpful for somebody else with all that’s going on in the background helps us to realize that conflict one is always always going to be amongst us we’re never going to get rid of it and we’re going to have to learn how to use it as a tool and not a weapon I love it I love it and I want to talk about the image of perfection how it could be flawed and such that when I travel overseas and they see a black American they have this perception you know either interior MTV raps or something that’s very generic and a generalization of all of us here you’re like that’s not how all of us live in the States and David and I are in Atlanta and when I travel and they’re like you’re living Atlanta or like Housewives of Atlanta and all these things and I’m like that’s not Atlanta and or a lot all of Atlanta and there’s this perception about the south not even just the south side but just Chicago as a whole like you’re flying to Chicago be safe I hope you come back alive I like for you to clear that perception out oh my god it’s so funny because I was home maybe a couple months ago and someone said to me wow aren’t you scared to go to Chicago I’m like really no I mean that you yeah yeah people kind of see one part of things and they kind of run with that yeah unfortunately for Chicago they you know every time them it has something to do with you know shootings or something so people get that perception that that’s all that’s going on there right you know it is unfortunate but it is a fact that it is happening there but we can’t use that one or you know Isis if someone told me was eighty in one day or something like that in one week and I said oh you can’t use those events define a whole people dot oh yeah exactly you can’t you can’t because there is what is perceived to be good and bad in every community every race every country route we have it all and we can use it all and that’s never it’s all the way back to biblical times in history it’s all recorded just that way the co-exist so does that mean that you earlier you’re listening to Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney there’s good and bad in every one yeah I like that whatever whatever part of you becomes a predominant part of you is the part that you feed the most mmm is what you give energy to whatever you give energy to is what’s going to flourish and develop and video here you’re most often that’s part of you you know I think that that I want to stay there because what we focus on expands and so if you’re getting into a relationship and you said you complete me run and the other side is everyone’s toxic so I’m not going to deal with anyone so what’s a good medium place to approach relationships that’s a great question and the very first place you want to go to to approach a relationship is within yourself first of all realize that you yourself are complete you are complete they may be parts of yourself that you need to explore and learn more about but you are complete with it within yourself you are complete another person can help you discover great parts of yourself to enhance bring those parts out of you more so but that’s really your job and when somebody shows you that oh my gosh you are a great listener then you need to start exploring that part of yourself independent of that individual so in you that’s there they help to expose it but it’s there so that’s the first place to begin approach any relationship whether it’s a romantic relationship or work relationship any relationship is that you are whole your whole relationships help to bring balance to a situation but you yourself a hole and then you look at what you have to give in that relationship and what you can receive from that relationship because there’s balance give-and-take constantly that’s how this world works so you’re giving something to relationship and you need to be receding from thing from the relationship if it’s just one side you just you know you’re just there because this person makes you feel great and you feel so awesome when you’re in their presence in you okay so what are you giving I love it and then sometimes from homeys perspective I have to give a shout out to Kareem Biggs Burk for the audience that doesn’t know who he is he’s one of the founders of Rockefeller you know jay-z Fame and all that good stuff and so that was you know early 90s here we are 20 plus years later and we see a lot of his energies now they were asking him about business relationships and and what would he pursue today versus back then and just like you were saying he was saying that I back then it was just more of I just needed the opportunity and I struck business relationships with everyone good or bad I was just after getting a monetary gain and now you know 20 plus years later he’s gone through a lot he has his own story to share but he looks at relationships a lot differently like what is the long-term relationship that will both get out of it instead of you know give and take or not give and take but more so take it would be large especially an entertainment that he was experiencing in the past so it resonates from what you were just saying that’s why I wanted to highlight that yeah and that’s evolution of mind right because when we there’s an expression I think in the Bible that says you know when we were babies we survived on milk but as you grow you know you need meat for supper so when you’re first start no yeah you think about like what’s in it for me how can I grow and I use myself as an example to people say know how to make it out of a necklace in poverty and I said because I look for opportunities anything that I could get to move me on to the next level but good as you grow you realize that I probably could have drew a little faster if I was also looking for opportunities to give but back then I didn’t know I had anything to give so let me ask you dr. James you said you were looking you know people actually had to get out and were looking for opportunity besides your parents or maybe they’re your parents or but who the biggest influences when you’re that young when you’re young Wow so my dad passed away when I was very very young and it was my mom raised three of us on her own phenomenal mama she was definitely a big influence to me because she constantly reminded us she was interesting as a mom because haven’t been born and raised in South Side Chicago her entire life she made the decision at some point that she wanted to move her children to a different educational environment so I actually went to school in Massachusetts but which is very very difficult because it was away from family and it was a totally different it was a totally different environment and so it took a lot of adjusting but she made that huge sacrifice for for her kids because she really wanted to get what she thought with an education that would propel us forward in life and she was right and I said we couldn’t have on the south side of Chicago but that’s what she wanted for us and that wasn’t sacrifice that she made for her kids but she also made sure that we stayed very much in touch with our community our Southside community so we got to grow up in two worlds and which really gave me an appreciation for this people in general and I saw commonalities amongst the haves and the have-nots that they were so similar you know but so I think my mom was it she was I know she was a big influence in my life and then there was one woman home sure has gone home the glory in her name was Freddy Jackson and she really took an interest in me I don’t know why she did was she took an interest in me academically and got me involved in a lot of things that I would have never gotten involved in academically and that helped to give me some confidence because I was definitely a slow learner I think but as a person who loved to read but anything else nothing else interests me just reading I like doing plays and but she helped me to see how strong I was in a math and science things that I was not really interested in but so those people influenced me and helped me to realize and she and Freddie Jackson was a strong businesswoman to African American woman and she was just I’ve never met anybody who was really like her very very professional and she had done a little kind of job she did when I was young further by mr. nice cars which works in sook she got always to tell me you can do this sue and you can do this too so it really influenced me so that on that level but my mom was a person who really brought like metaphysics into my life and religion and that helped me to really understand this lack of need of perfection and how everything came from one source and that no matter how humble my beginnings were that I had the same thing inside of me that any other girl growing up in the riches of environments had inside of her it was just I had to dig it mined it out differently absolutely and I do want to give a shout out to your mom and I want to give a shout out to Freddy Jackson as well one of our first podcasts we were talking about God winks and there’s no accidents and so in many respects she saw something in you that you didn’t see and you pay it forward to how you’re helping out in the community and I know when we first started talking on this podcast we’re talking about Kanye and such and a lot of people that are giving him a pass would say you know he’s never been the same since his mother transitioned and so when you said that you were able your mama put you in an environment where you were able to grow but she also kept me grounded to help the people around you from your from your humble beginnings I think that’s a huge takeaway and that there’s people that are in situations that they may not see a way out of but because you took an interest then somebody’s going to say oh I remember dr. Draven she helped me when I didn’t see any outlets yeah yeah and it’s so interesting about help too because I think when I was young I always thought that helping it like I was really hungry we were homeless for part of my childhood so I felt like if you really want to help us you would like give us a place to stay and feed us right and that that is important too but what I didn’t realize is that there was the words of encouragement that people could see past that you know they could see like I you know there’s that phrase if I give you a fish he’ll eat for a day if I teach you to fish he’ll eat for the rest your life and I can remember hearing that phrases as a kid now I go I just really want to eat today we just take care today I worry about the rest of my life right but that was so true people would say things to me that was so encouraging to me a vintage action assess especially was a person who took me on a college tour just me and her like I don’t even know how that ever happened how she found a kid like me and then drove me to a college and said you know I see you here I’m like okay yeah right here but you know she she took that interest in me and I know that there was some divine universal power that led her to me and early on in my life I used to say to myself like what do I have to give to people and it was somewhere in the valley that I decided that it was the truths and the beliefs that were inside of me that were put there by my mom and people like Freddy Jackson and other people too but those beliefs that power that goes beyond believing to a place of knowing that I want to give other people to say you know no matter where you are today if you know where you want to be just have a small inkling everything inside of you is right there waiting to take you there I love it 11 and I want to give a quick plug right now for the Big Brother Big Sister program I’ve been in it since 2009 and it’s for people that are listening in Freddy Jackson that was able to help dr. Dre Vaughn you know there were some Universal interference there if you will but there may be a lot of universal interference that people would listen and there’s a lot of children that are out there that could have better opportunities and Big Brother Big Sister has been really good for me and for my little we’ve had a relationship for almost 10 years and these are going to be lifelong relationships so as you can see you know all these years later dr. Dre Vaughn keeps referencing Freddy Jackson’s I want to highlight how we get certain stages in our lives and it’s really important to share some of the information that we have with those coming behind us yeah you wouldn’t and I like the organization Big Brother Big Sister 2 I haven’t been a part of it I’ve done other mentorship programs you’d be surprised that how you think you’re just doing your ordinary thing and you know that’s no big deal but somebody is holding on to your every word as encouragement you know you say oh you did a good job on that test and you’re like it really in their minds if they’re saying oh he thinks I could be a great scientist you know that small amount of investment of time is priceless that’s priceless so let’s fast-forward a little bit where you you’ve had some growth in your mom put you in different environments so you had access to different cultures and such and you get to a point you finish school you got your doctorate so you’re right on the career path but then you know let’s get in the way as we say and you meet your potential partner and get married you have perceptions everyone has perceptions when they get married to that this is the one and we’re going to have a Hollywood and being where we ride off into the sunset and in many cases that doesn’t happen so I’d like for you to highlight a little bit of how you’ve gotten into your relationship because you’ve been married for over 20-plus years so you know salute and congratulations to you for that and I’d like for you to just go from the beginning of your life partner or relationship yeah so that’s my husband I have been married 23 years and what a journey you cannot stay in someone’s life for 23 years that you do not have a blood connection to unless you have a commitment that goes beyond looks that Big O goes beyond feelings that goes beyond five minutes it has got to be something much deeper than that and I tell people that all the time and meet women who say oh my gosh you know he’s had a known neurosurgeon that’s cute that’s nice that’s not sustainable for building a life with and I would say that 23 years he still never knows you know you just never know but for me and my husband ah I think when I got married the thought was that I grew up with my one foot in a metaphysical world haven’t been part of a new age truth kind of religion with my mom and my other foot in Pentecostal clothes we went to both churches and it was new to my husband he was good Baptist if he went to church really didn’t have that much up he was an atheist but it isn’t you know didn’t play it as a multipel doesn’t make that part of your everyday existence but I think what I can say is that we sort of partnered in our belief pattern in knowing that our relationship was about more than just us and for me on a physical plane it was I really wanted to have a life-debt would show my younger cousins that marriage could work and it could be a good idea to approach life not the only idea but it could be a good idea to approach life and begin a family bring children into an environment where there were two parents if you understand what it means I kind of I kind of wanted to show that to people too that you know this could be a better way to do things it may save a lot of hardship on the back end I had an you know growing up without a dad and most of you know a lot of family members had that same situation grew up without a dad so that was important to both me and my husband so we sort of shared found common ground because love the love the Hollywood love I I could say that was sustainable for life and maybe it is for some people I just have not met them but mature love we realize it goes two phases you’re going to hit everything you’re going to hit that part where you know yes you’re in the Hollywood phase that honeymoon phase and everything is glossed over but in the mortgages do someone loses their job and somebody else gets sick and there’s always outside influences and you’ve got to be able to learn how to communicate through all of that communicate in truth long-term relationships take vulnerability vulnerability and it takes you know turning the turning the other cheek constantly but saying you know hey this is where I am right now this is how I’m feeling right now this how I’m feeling about everything other outside influences the finances the health everything the religious the raising of the children everything so it’s been a it’s been an interesting journey but I would say that the thing that has kept our marriage together through all the conflict and you can only imagine what kind of conflict 23 years a lot of conflict has been learning to set boundaries and learning to communicate they’re two issues that they were both my issues I didn’t know how to set boundaries and I didn’t lie to him and I talked to do not know how to set boundaries I was one of them I did not I said calories and I was afraid of honest communication when you say you’re setting boundaries can you make examples out with me yeah so you know I think there’s you know I talk to women all the time and they said you know what do you mean set boundaries because you know we bring life into the world of another human being grows inside of this body so I am in a hundred and ten it I need to give of myself I’m going to give 110 I’m not going to really expect anything in return I start off by saying that in order to have a relationship with anybody you need to understand that it must be balanced that you must be giving something and you must be receiving something so setting a boundary I look at it like this I was driving home from work one day and I was really struggling with this idea of boundaries and it happened to be a point in our marriage where we were sort of in the valley and I looked down at the road as I was driving and I saw those yellow lights in the vote and I thought to myself as I saw this bone appeared in my mind that those lines in the road represent boundaries and they make sure that if I obey the boundaries and the driver and the other Lane obeys the boundaries that we are going to each reach our destination safely so it changed my perspective I said I need to decide what it is that I need in a relationship from another person knowing that I am whole already but what do I need and everybody is different but one of those things I needed was honesty I realized that that is a big barrier for me you know if you lie it puts up a wall for me and we can’t go for it I just we can’t move past that so I had to decide what are those boundaries and some of them are really small I’ve talked to women so you know I have a boundary I don’t know we need to have date night we have these things that make validate me as a woman or men who said I need to have space I need to have um you know I need her to the boundary is my cell phone my devices keep your hands off that don’t go through looking through you know messages those are boundaries everybody has or should have them and know what they are I like many women did not have my life is open books you know whatever you did I was okay with it and now I look back on that Mike who was that person and how could you even have any respect for a person like that because it definitely seems to me that that individual is presenting themselves is a little too needy and maybe not enough enough thought on themself or appreciate self-love I guess it’s the best way to say it boundaries represent self love now I know I would get in trouble but it’s not necessary for you but except for people that are listening from some of the feedback so I usually get called mr. Davis from time to time and what that means when people say that is I have my business hat on and so they’re like well you’re using a business scenario to try to fix or work on a personal thing so perfect example I would say in the business world you have I worked with an architecture firm and we had when we work with clients visioning sessions and in the visiting session our designer was was popular in saying that he and his wife and his kids went on vacation and their kids were 18 like a high school kid and the other was like 21 so he’s in college and so when they were going on vacation he and his wife had a vision of a perfect vacation where they’re on the beach it’s very quiet they have a you know a beverage and they’re either reading a book and are looking at the sunset the kids vision of a vacation was wall-to-wall people loud noise and you know it was just total opposite of what the parents wanted and so in the visioning session it’s more of hey we both have two different viewpoints of what we want we but to get a desired outcome we have to have some compromise and set up the boundaries and working on communication so when I look at when you were talking about boundaries and communication I kind of lump those two together yeah yeah yeah and what you just mentioned too about the I love that example you have to have flexibility because you have to have boundaries you can have the quiet time on the beach with the wine or whatever and the kids can also have the wild wild wall-to-wall people we’re going to have to find a nice medium there’s gonna have to be flexible so each of us gets what we want but we saw that we’re still in a give-and-take balance to relationships and that takes work and people sometimes have to decide whether or not it’s okay not to want to put that work in it is absolutely okay but you got to be honest about that you need to say you know it’s it’s way too much work it’s because it’s a lot of work it is a lot of work because though that the communications the boundaries and the flexibility is a continual dance it doesn’t stuff you don’t reach a point with hey we’ve communicated enough we’ve had enough bound to have that flexibility we got it it is continued for the entire relationship and it changes because we’re all dynamic and you’re at one phase in your life I’m another phase in my life and it keeps happening yeah I want to ask you another topical question so you know the good and bad of being a celebrity everyone thinks that stuff and then with the bat and my thing is just that your life is in a book and so recently you know Will Smith and Jada we’re talking and they had highlighted how for one period during their marriage she was crying for like 30 days or 45 days non-stop and so when you when they first got married they probably never anticipated that type of scenario and so how how do you propose because you said it is hard work but no one’s really prepared to go through it until they actually go through it so what kind of mindset should a person have yeah that’s so interesting because you can’t predict right the guy of the gal you fall in love with today with all their health and their beauty and their money no guarantee for tomorrow so you set out and say that I love something it Jada said I hope I get it right but she said that she will have surpassed marriage right there they don’t consider herself married they’re just you know like families and something that she said that you know there’s like relations and that’s what I mean about well and you have when you married to somebody that you don’t share blood with it’s easy to terminate that relationship but you can’t terminate the relationship with your mom I know we’ve heard celebrities people say you know ah I got emancipated from my mom or whatever that relationship is you can start calling her by her first name it doesn’t matter that relationship is etched in stone you don’t even make you could be adopted I have friends that I adopted whatever that woman is that’s your mom nothing’s going to sever that relationship you may have another adopted mom but wherever she so that relationship is there and it’s for life you have to cultivate it and make it grow but you just can’t denounce it and then it’s over marriage you can you can denounce it and say it’s over because you don’t have that blood tie so you’ve got to be able to make that decision within yourself and when you do get in the situation where someone’s hit a rough spot you may be at the top of your game right in that person hit a rough spot there’s got to be a placing you placing you that realizes that beyond beyond the love part to Samana terian that this individual needs something that you may be able to supply and if that’s just nothing but listening I know they said that men where I read this up so many times that men are about solutions right they rest they rush in and they want to you know what’s up what are you crying about what do you need here it is I get it so the crying can stop right so and women are about time and you know I don’t know if that’s necessarily true all the way around but maybe generally speaking because I throw my husband all the time you can fix it if I tell you about it because I want you to fix it I’m not talking like if I want you to hear about it I’ve told you about a girl thing but but so I think part of you has to say to yourself then let me find out what the individual needs what’s the crying about maybe you don’t know what it’s about I don’t know what our situation was maybe just I just need to know that you’ll be here when this phase is that surety okay and is in as much as we can offer that because there really is no surety about tomorrow least of all about a relationship it all has to be today I talk about all the time you can’t say that I’m going to do right by him tomorrow I’m going to do right by her when I get my business together it has to be today you have two people to put it all on the line today and still the same token not lose yourself a lot of work a lot of work for sure and I have to tip my hat off to you when you’re talking about as a female learning to communicate better because usually the generality of that guys have a lack of communication and so I like for you to talk a little bit more about how we communicate because guys on or on one page in many respects and women are my mother 23 years obviously something’s working can you talk about something that initially when you look back like this how you improved your communication and so a scenario would happen today where you’re like oh my goodness there’s no way I could have handled it 20 years ago but today it’s totally different oh yes okay so 20 years ago Wow I mean this is this is just so true about me I was just so excited to think my husband was the third person asking to marry him but the first person I ever took seriously and I thought gosh a guy of your caliber right he came from a too thick two-parent home he just seemed like Leave It to Beaver to me and I came from the exact opposite spectrum and I said well let me take you home let me take you to my home so you can meet my people and and my absolutely love and this is this is who I am so he went there and he was like wow never what never saw that coming but I still want to marry you what you do okay so no and approaching marriage that way not the best idea because where I was with myself was not really that self-love but my self-love was really low even though I had accomplished a lot I just didn’t see myself for all that I was but I saw him for more than what he was and so consequently that led to an imbalance in our communication because I really never expressed myself and so it was always well me looking at his perspective as being the best way because after all he was something two-parent home and it you know I didn’t see any drug abuse anywhere I didn’t see any alcohol is expanding over here you know all the things that I was accustomed that I had grown up with I didn’t know they were all absent in his life and I thought if you want to have a Leave It to Beaver lifestyle it the quotes I’m going to get is this guy and he you know his ideas about everything have got to be more pure than my take on it false and I and I was I didn’t allow myself to communicate my feelings about anything that he did if that makes it I just automatically ticket as well I can improve I can improve I can improve and when I talk about communication now I tell people the first thing you need to realize you need to be honest with yourself clear and fearless communicate needs to happen with you and when I was lying with to myself is that I wasn’t taking the time to get to know where those insecurities were coming from a side of me I never turned the mirror around and just looked at me I always looked at him and saw him is great but I never looked at why I didn’t see myself as great if that makes sense so perfect sense yes so so what we went on and we were married two years went on first decade and it was he would tell you it was also that’s a perfect wife he never complains with I never complain it was a lot of stuff I could have complained about but I never complained right it was perfect why she never complains never does this so fast forward 20 years in and it really was 2015 with our mark our 20th anniversary and I discovered things about my husband that were just I was blown away and I couldn’t believe I had blinders on for all these years and it helped me I know that the whole process was for me to see me better it helped me to say hey what’s going on whether you’re writing all these great things you’re doing all these talks would you really need to take a moment to really dig in and find out what’s going on inside of you and I realized that I had abandonment issues and I need to clearly communicate with that and had no back to me and my dad and I felt vulnerable that if I communicated honestly with my husband that he would disappear today 2018 I am able because I work through that whole process did all the work with that I’m very clear about this is what I feel about your last statement this is what I feel about everything probably too to communicate here but I’m very clear with my communication with him and with myself and it has improved our relationship I would say 110 percent because I’m not worried about being abandoned or I’m okay with being abandoned that was the thing too because you can’t say that or once you start doing this is everything is going to be great the other person could honest and say hey I don’t like this changing you I prefer it when you didn’t communicate your needs or communicate what you thought I was doing wrong because now you start communicating that in truth the other person has looks of still maybe feels a tax as my husband did it first he felt like well wait a second where’s all this coming from public he knows he evolved and it allowed me to evolve but I had to get to a place where I was honestly communicating with myself to say that if this proper and honest communication leads to this relationship no longer existing in the way that it exists today I’m ok with that because self-love dictates that I communicate honestly with myself about what I will accept from me and what I will accept from you so it always goes there communication has to be with you you cannot allow yourself to lie to yourself about anything and we’re really good at that we’re really good men too but women are really really good at seeing only what they want to see well I got to give you a high five and there David laughing because you mentioned one of my favorite shows I still watch leave at the be heard it’s really funny because you did yeah figured I get ahead of that curve there because I wanted to ask you I mean the thing I liked and of course you know they were trying to portray an image and but one thing I was was crucial in my opinion was there was a time where families met each other before a person got married and that isn’t happening as often today and so your your husband or your potential husband at the time was able to meet your family and still decide you know hey this is something I want to go through so it’s just a man of the iceberg of of that you know we’re like you said we may be in the emotion Department and they may check all the all of the checklist on on paper but until they meet the family and then what I learned was so they meet the family during the holidays because holidays of totally innocent or in the road fucked of the year oh okay okay yeah I try to marry you after Christmas bitter important so important it was one of the wisest things that I ever did because I knew that for me my allegiance if we were free to get married all you have is really your family but my allegiance was to my family and that he met me in a vacuum you know he’d met me we know we don’t live in Chicago so he met me way away from my family but you know you need to go to meet my family and to see what what matters to me and you know he was he was surprised I felt like if you lover my level that’s important because you marry the entire family and I fell in love with his family every date like I said I was one of those kids who would watch to be valving people we live like that oh my god I think he fell in love with him and I went there confirmation I think he fell in love with him because of his relationship with his mother so I’ll always toe that the way they treat their mother the way they’re ultimately going to treat you you know what yes and I would say this too now remember I was those 23 years ago I would I didn’t have any frame of reference as to how a man really was supposed to treat a woman because I grew up without of that so I saw him as mother laughing and talking and to me just a man you know I was like wow that’s really cool those parents are so together now 23 years later I’m like my son better treat me a lot better but it’s it’s levels to this right so my husband and I we’re at one level and our parents got us here and our goal is to get our children to the next level all about one thing I think was missing in our generation was this understanding of self love because from that place that’s the springboard of all love you know you can have love of a higher power even and if you don’t have self love it’s not going to work you got to have that self love and I think you know in his family although they had all the other chapters they weren’t really teaching that self love and you know that wasn’t happening they but you know through us we revolve and we’re grateful for where they got us and this our job to get our kids to the next level and still they’ll be they’ll be lacking in some areas that they’ll have to develop with their mate to get to the next level so so this whole thing is just keeps going and growing I’d like to get your opinion on when you’re talking about self-love and what that actually means because I am a huge huge Capitol huge fan of taraji Henson right and so she went on on Jimmy Fallon not too long ago and she was talking about her father her father was a Vietnam vet and he had these mental health issues and she was you know these are things in my black community has not really talked about and so she was affected right and her relationships or affected and so when she was she ultimately decided to get or seek the expertise of a either psychiatrist or psychologist and at the time she did when she was coming up short because she didn’t she found a traditional psychologists but they let’s just say that person then had the cultural understandings that she needed and so she has this foundation now where you know they’re helping people go into those fields because as a community we haven’t really had a outreach and when we talk about self-love and other issues it may be underlying themes that we need to address first so I want to get your take on even even considering professional help oh my gosh yes and you know that is almost like a taboo topic in the black community when you know I think our stance has been historically just to pray about it and you know if you had anything that was going on that was emotionally pray about it or just get over it right and so we know that things that are left there you know in the pit of our stomach just to sit they become rotten and molded and they affect every relationship I listed with ourselves and every other relationship so I am a big proponent of people seeking so doesn’t always have to be like carriages it could be social workers and somebody that you can talk to that maybe has a little bit more professionalism and cultural sensitivities are huge because there are things that come people all the time that happened in when yes I laugh and I think of this when you talk to black men and they put their hand or they rub their heads that maybe somebody else may not pick up on but sisters are really keen to that you know if you start rubbing your head this conversation is pretty much over right because he’s in a whole nother space and so is past the frustration let it go at least with my husband in the men in my life I know when the heads rubbing starts happening is I’m in a zone that he’s in his own we need to support so there are cultural sensitivities at me I would definitely overlook in another person’s culture they probably overlook in my culture in there since it hit her head to the side just you know there’s six of things what a pause may mean so I think there is a lot to be able to talk to somebody who may share that with you doesn’t mean that you can’t get help from somebody that’s not in your same ethnic group I mean definitely you can do that as well but there are something there’s some benefits I can see to talking to someone who understands what the silence means or what the you know we say what that means those little things that we do sometimes that is this in every culture so but I have a big proponent of seeking help you need to you need to get help having somebody to talk to an understanding a language of self-love people are so concerned in fact I can remember as a child my mom and saying you know don’t be selfish don’t be selfish don’t be selfish and now when I hear that is I hear don’t put yourself first and I’m leery of somebody who doesn’t put themselves first because how could you really really have my best interests at heart when you don’t have yours at her yeah how can you know when I had my oldest my daughter who’s 18 years old but I I looked at her one day I said how can I share or how can I get you to believe my philosophies about my life how can i how can I do that because I have some own beliefs and knowings about life how can I get you to buy into them and it came to me that the only way I could do that is to sure how much those beliefs those knowings how much they have profited me in my life right you can’t sell something to somebody that nobody finds value in if you don’t have self love and have values show values for yourself it’s impossible for somebody else to genuinely be able to value you self-love to me is the foundation of every relationship on every note from the smallest thing making sure that you have time to put your own thoughts together nation making sure that you know after you give first trips to whatever organization you want to build and whether it’s the church or get to other successes with that you take a part of that income and you are first feeding to yourself for your own personal growth and development right that needs to happen it needs to be a part of your budget this is this for me for me to grow in whatever you know I don’t know if you’re trying to grow a tennis shoe collection or grow a pocket book collection or trying to grow books on you know metaphysics whatever it is sowing seed into yourself so that you’ll have something to give I think that’s huge and I appreciate you sharing a lot of your stories it made me think of a colleague of mine he he was married 19 years and he pretty much let me see there was nothing she had to ask for I mean you know you had the four car garage and all that good stuff and she just left after I mean they never argued for anything right he was like he’s perfect blah blah blah and then she did it was just like it seemed out of the blue and it was probably because of what you were saying in changing the communication and not setting up the boundaries like you’re just thinking if a person smiling the whole time that that we’re on the same page but we’re not what’s another way to check in with a person but see like I mean you don’t want to second-guess your partner but if they’re always smiling go along with you and then 19 years later you realize they really weren’t how do you check in what’s the one yeah remember I said in the beginning you get ahead this is this this cycle right keep going communication setting new balance and flexibility if you really have to do this in real time you’ve got to make time every week sometimes a week is the check-in and ask probing questions ask probing questions you know how are you feeling about the marriage I like to open ask my husband open-ended questions all sounds how are you feeling about the marriage and you know sometimes men are difficult to get full sentences out of everything is good before you know what everything you know what would you like to see happen different I don’t know what different sex like oh she’s like see anything different going on in the world that I don’t know about you know what would you like to see would you like more time with your guys so we do more things as a family do you need more independent time ask questions and a lot of times we don’t ask questions because we don’t want to hear the answers mmm you know I have a friend she’s the divorced a long time but her her model is I don’t ask questions I don’t want to hear answers to and I want to tell us you I said that’s a relationship killer to the island I don’t ask questions I want hear answers to I said because if you want a relationship to grow first of all if he wants out he wants out there’s probably not gonna be same thing with her if she wants out she wants out but maybe they don’t want out yet maybe they want to be listened to maybe they want some change they don’t know how to communicate so relationships as a two-way street I gotta ask questions I’ve got to constantly be reading you know read everything that you can get your hands on it I say that I try to read and stay abreast of things what’s happening in you know a man’s world what’s happening in my world just try to read math questions and I read this article I’ll ask my husband you know and the beards came back and all that kind of stuff but I like that look what what is there anything behind that look let’s start asking my husband you know we’re older you know how does that make you feel what do you think about getting older you know do you know what do you what do you miss from being you know a younger man what is it that you think that he knows because perhaps there’s something there something there that if we talked about it we keep it from mushrooming to becoming this huge thing that causes a ocean of difference of space between us you know and and that you also know that it’s okay to change I think that’s a big thing that relationships people are thinking that it’s not okay to change I’m not the same girl you married 23 years ago yeah but you’re not the same guy I married 23 years ago this thing is going to require me to find new respect for you every day define something else about you that I respect more than I did yesterday same thing for you and me being to look at me and say you know what this is something that I respect about my wife or my partner right this is you know and she’s got all these flaws because we all do he’s got all these flaws and that the Falls didn’t talk about him but these things right here outweigh those loss they’re not wave of love if you forever forever you know I was talking to somebody the other day and they were talking about toenail clippings on the side of it I have not experienced that but I probably that would work on my last nerve but but she was awesome I can’t I can overlook that I can over to the best his side of it he keeps with a mess I can overlook this guy is you know he’s this he’s that sighs I don’t focus on all these small things because we got all this big stuff working for us and let me say what’s small for you is small for you never mind what the general population says is that big and small that’s your relationship there’s nobody in there except for the two of you you define it for yourself you know setting new relationship goals is huge when you’re talking about repairing a damaged relationship knowing how you want this relationship to look for you and that person not how your mom wanted to look or how your boy wants it to look and this is odd and she’s doing this and he’s doing that if it doesn’t bother you did it doesn’t bother you yes your relationship you guys had to set those goals within the relationship not people looking on the outside absolutely let me ask you one last question because we are at the top of the hour but and we don’t usually really talk about intrinsic motivation but in the last political cycle a lot of unions relationships were damaged or ended based off of a political cycle families used to vote together and have the same opinion in 2016 that wasn’t the case and you know we’re two weeks away from this – and it still divided across the line but more importantly from a relationship standpoint so what’s a way that like you said I’m not the person you married at 20 you know 20 years ago what’s a way to repair relationships in this current political climate respect and love respect and love at the core because and there’s so much that this is this is so charged right there’s so many things that look like hatred they really just look like hatred on the surface they really look smell feel like hatred but at the core of this at the core we are all people operating and some of us are still operating out of fear right making all our decisions based out of fear okay and can I get you to make a decision that looks like love when I’m punishing you for still making the decision out of fear there’s something I’ll make you more fearful will make you more fearful I’m punishing you because you’re making a decision based purely out of fear and I come at you with more hatred maybe you can draw back me you become more fearful you do you do the things that fearful people do we got to first respect the fact that everybody gets to the next level at their own pace and we’ll all be okay we will be just fine in fact we will prosper history has shown us that what are we so scared about history has shown as it will go to the polls we’ll do what we’re supposed to do and what is supposed to happen will happen and if we respect the process respect everybody and present ourself and love because it is insane I say this in my book it’s insane to believe that we can make a room brighter by turning the lights out which means that we can I can’t make you love me more by showing you more things to hate Wow that’s a great way to end it and so but people don’t know where to find this book so now’s the perfect time to tell them about your book your speaking engagements and how to get in touch with you so my book freedom is your birthright is the foundation for living a life every day peace is nothing missing nothing broken wholeness in totality living in that space is so very possible that book can be purchased on my website which is every day peace with dr. Dre Vaughn James or on Amazon freedom is your birthright you can get it there I am right now piloting my first radio program with a unity online radio I’ll be there broadcasting every Monday evening 5:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time my kickoff show is November 5th and I’m speaking around at Unity churches in in Baltimore’s my first location I’ll be there I don’t have a base but it’ll be on my website and I’m hosting a co-hosting a show I just started doing something really fun on Facebook live on Thursdays 7:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time so please check me out there it’s called living well this is living well woman and it’s really a show about for women over the age of 40 but anybody can join in learning how to navigate life in the changes that are taking place you know in our mind our health our bodies our relationships and so that’s where I am right now I’m open for speaking engagements so check out my website if you have an event and you’d love to have me there just hit me up on my website and we can make that happen as well fantastic you’ve just been in tuned to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective this is Hamza and I’m David it was such a there are no way only it felt like we only touched the tip of a surface with you you have such a wealth of information that we I feel we should definitely stay in touch oh I would love that I would love that yeah absolutely thank you for your time yeah I don’t have a great rest of your day yeah thanks again for checking out another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homeless perspective podcast please check us out on our website at intrinsic motivation dot life where you can click on the speak pipe button and leave any suggestions for a future podcast that you like us to cover also check us out on our social media sites we have a YouTube channel Facebook page iTunes podcast in addition to stitcher and Google Play all under intrinsic motivation from a homeys perspective check you out next time have a great day you