I Should’ve Left When | First Relationship Advice for Guys | Mimi Mansfield | Intrinsic Interview

I Should’ve Left When | First Relationship Advice for Guys | Mimi Mansfield | Intrinsic Interview

Video Transcript

welcome to intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective podcast where we meet experts from all walks of life to learn their intrinsic motivation so that they can share it with the world what do we have in store today stay tuned good morning good afternoon everybody out there in podcast land you are in tune to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a home’s perspective this is Hamza and I’m David and today we are in for a treat we’re going to go into the spiritual dating world we’re going to talk to an an author who has a wonderful story to tell a lot of laughs I’m sure people will laugh and say oh that’s me or oh I’m glad I didn’t go through that no matter what side you are on I am sure you’re going to really appreciate this this next hour and without further ado I’d like to welcome the author of I should have left win so if that isn’t a quick indicator then put your seatbelts on for Mimi Mansfield welcome to the podcast Mimi thank you so much Hansa appreciate you having me absolutely yes glad you could make it and I love the title of your book it’s called I should have left win and inquiring minds want to know that that was that an indicator of I should have left when I found out the guy I was dating was not an Eagles fan that actually is one of my things I could not date a Cowboy fan that is actually actually sitting on my lap I love it because it’s really funny in the in the dating world or in the marriage world right or let’s just say the dating world people will let things slide like deal breakers right and it doesn’t sound like a deal breaker but if you meet somebody let’s say in the spring in your big NFL fan and then you want to spend time to watch the games they’re like I don’t even watch football right so you’re married resenting the person because they’re doing something they love right there left right that’s right that’s actually number eight on my dating turn on list enjoy the same type of activities you do adventure sports social activities outdoor activities so yep that’s actually on my list of things that work for me I bet you know some people like the opposite I prefer someone who’s a little more aligned with me absolutely and we’ll go into that but on that same stretch so you know today fly Eagle fly but yesterday I was totally go Gators and they came from behind the way so it’s definitely Gators college and Eagles Pro all day so you said you had a list of eight but we’re going to go into that because I’m sure that their guys hear the story they’re like okay I got a match I gotta have this check mark I can make the list right what I would think you didn’t start with the list today so let’s let’s kind of go back in time a little bit tell us a little bit about yourself and what was the impetus for write in the book sure so yes mom is I mentioned my name is Mimi Mansfield and the book of course I should have left win the reason why I wrote the book was because I am now currently 41 and I wrote the book to really summarize my relationships over the last 20 or so years I have never been married by choice and I also do not have children also by choice which is makes me a little bit different but I can’t say that I would have I probably would have ended up in a long-term relationship if something had panned out that way it just didn’t work out that way for me and I’m perfectly fine with that so I really wanted to empower single women because I know there’s a lot of women out here who you know struggle with with being single and I wanted to you know help to provide some tools on ways that I found to be successfully happily single and and also just my other motivation was providing pure entertainment for people in general men women married single gay straight I’ve had so many different people that have enjoyed my book it was just so published by me available on Amazon in July but just as the last couple months I’ve had so many people different walks of life who have enjoyed reading it and its really was equally my motivation was just to be able to give some people the next next generation of Waiting to Exhale Sex in the City you know it’s been 20 plus years since both of those books I felt like there was a need for something else to speak to that same audience yeah when you say the people in all walks all walks of life had come up to you I think that makes sense and that relationships are universal no matter the paradigm that you’re in it’s a you know the trust your intuition are they the person they say they are when they met you versus six months 12 months 18 months down the line what do you think oh yeah absolutely I mean I definitely think that I’m you know you you have to your motives are ever evolving we always were all changing as we grow and I definitely not the same person at 41 that I was at 21 and I know if I had you know married a person that I was dated back in my early 20s I probably would not be still with them by now something probably would have gone awry for sure so I think that you you know you evolve and it’s best to select partners that you know can grow with you absolutely and I remember just a little thing about me is that I have a twin sister so I kind of get the cheek because I have the cliffnotes you know from her and we have our own little private book like page 80 if a girl says this right I’m joking but what I was kind of joking or to the truth about it is women mature a lot faster than guys you know just from birth right and so we we all mature at different speeds or different levels depending on our life path or what we’re going through and it might not necessarily mean that that person’s an evil or an opposite to you it’s just that you had that life experience and then it’s time to move on what’s your take on that yeah no absolutely I mean recent season lifetime I mean you know I think that I am I write about this in my book that each relationship had a purpose in my life and you know I don’t think it was all for it was not always because it didn’t end in happily ever after and so I think that you know I can point to as an example I write about this you know one particular relationship that I was in early on and this is something I mentioned it’s not a whole story in this particular book but my goal is to go back and write about prior relationships but I do talk about a guy that I dated that I call well okay so one guy that I dated I call bad credit coupe that credit score guy and and so actually it was a you know not a good relationship it did not end well but through through him I met one of my close friends yeah you mentioned your sister Sarada and through her I met a ton of people that are my connections in the Orlando area where I live and if it weren’t for having dated bad credit score guy again it was a reason he was in my life two and a half years and again the positives that I got out of that were the the friendship delicious but I still hold the state 15 years for almost 15 years after we first met so Wow yeah yeah so when you have your we’re going to get into your list but it made me think that maybe when you met that person there was a checklist that I mean there wasn’t something on the checklist so you’re like from that one I sure asked this question is that what happened with the way yeah you know it’s funny I actually started a checklist in my early 20s when I was going out on dates and that’s I was actually I should mention that when I first decided to write the book I was in my early 20s taking me a long time to finally get to it but the initial desire came of my early 20s I would go out on dates and people would often say how was your date or you know what exactly are you looking for so back then I started writing stories you know about my date so it was no pre social media you know to thousands and so I would go out on dates write out the whole story in Microsoft Word and email as my friends and they loved it and so I thought wow even something what bone points and what you should write a book and I’m like oh maybe I should it was never my thing I actually was not a big reader I’m just starting to pick up reading more after finishing my book I’m joined a book club what have you but but in my early 20s I would write stories and said much my friends and I also wrote a list of what I was looking for in a guy so you know of course that involves over time and so when I met that credit score guys an example he did not check a lot of the boxes on my list I’ll give like one example was I wanted someone without college education because that’s what I have and but I tried to bend because that critical guy did not have a college education and I thought well you know let me not ding him for that you know situations a circumstance happened let me try to be open-minded and you know you know give him the benefit of the doubt and after that relationship I did add that to my list requirements and you know sometimes got a somewhat controversial you know because I have you know friends who did not finish college and they’re obviously amazing intelligent people great you know hard-working people it’s not an indicator of you know the person’s going to be good because you always have a lot of college degree people who are not good people but that was something that I decided to add to my list I felt as though what threw me off in that situation was there was a there was a level of maybe insecurity on his part because he hadn’t completed that so that he always kind of held a little bit of resentment against me and I felt that the playing field was a little bit uneven because of that so it wasn’t so much you know degree itself but I think what it what stood for and how it made him view me maybe a little bit and I’m more on a pedestal compared to him so those are the types of you know relationship fundamentals that you know in our 20s we kind of look past things but I’ve tried to now at this stage in my life really write about you know things that we shouldn’t turn a blind eye to and things that we had really focused on for more positive and productive partnerships and that makes that’s really interesting because as you were sharing that story and thanks for sharing that it made me think of undergrad where I went to an HBCU and at the HBCUs the numbers were do something for people listening it’s ridiculous right so as a guy as a guy I loved it it was like thirty to one but when you’re talking you’re talking about women wanting these lists and you have people coming up to you it’d be interesting when you speak to younger women that are maybe in their early 20s because they’re in that environment if not worse where guys aren’t going to school so would they you know it’s interesting because at that age of 20 you don’t know how that person is going to turn out at 30 40 etc yeah those yeah you know I was just wondering what you say when when young people come up to you because I’m sure you probably you’re thinking you’re writing it for your contemporaries but you know this freshman in college comes up to you like I shoulda left wait I love your book what do you say to them yeah you know honestly if I could help young women navigate the dating waters better than I did I would be thrilled because that’s something that would really make me feel fulfilled that someone might have decided hey you know maybe this isn’t a healthy situation maybe you know the fact this guy text me a picture of you know his private parts very early on this not a good idea you know Memphis guy asked me to come to his his apartment you know on the second date maybe I shouldn’t go you know if I can help someone avoid you know being in a bad situation especially the younger lady that’s a huge passion blind you know like my friends and I we have a charity for young women and you know it’s definitely something that whatever we can do to help and especially women of color unfortunate like you mentioned we are dating options might be a little bit slimmer if you’re looking for a man of color with an education it’s sad to say but it is the reality of just statistically speaking so but yes I would love to help my young women make better decisions and better even than I did at that time sure thanks for that and I’m also thinking you know when you said you start dating your 20s or some people their late teens let’s go back a little further than that because when you are in my experience when I speak with Mary French my married friends or business colleagues and what have you they laugh they jokingly laugh but the guys will ultimately say I’d marry someone like my mom even though I didn’t try to and women marry someone like their father so it goes to their formative years if for 40 in for seven years and I just wanted to know what was your childhood like were both of your parents around and do you use some of that experience to determine whom you’re going to date yes a wonderful question I think like I said most of us are influenced by our upbringing our environment I think there’s been aa Vysya an element of nature and nurture and all the decisions that we make and so from a nurture standpoint I had the best parents on the planet so my parents I actually would call them my kids is now they’re in their 70s and sometimes I feel like they’re my my own children as I didn’t have but they are absolutely amazing they are party parents I like to call them they I could still take them out to the lounge with me they’ll dance they love to hang out with my friends and me and that was kind of the way it was growing up they had you know their friends over Friday nights were always you know party nights in the basement parents at the friends playing cards and you know having drinks from the music and you know I grew up with the late 70s early 80s you know R&B; soul music that I just love I know Hamzah love as well please my musical soul mate and so you know it was a very Cosby Show like bringing in a way except that we didn’t have the the money and I should have mentioned my parents did not go to college so it’s another reason why I’m very sensitive to trying to be open-minded people who did not complete college education because my parents are the most brilliant people on a planet but but yeah so what we were very modest modest upbringing you know very working-class my father worked for the Philadelphia electric company born raisin fold up I should mention that and you mentioned the Eagles I didn’t actually say born raised in Philadelphia and and you know spent my all my schooling years there up through college but my father was a worked for The Electric Company the blue collar worked in like a maintenance role actually and then my mom worked in a clerical role with a nursing company and so you know just never know pouring like that thankfully you know wasn’t like lights out or you know utilities not paid that for the thing they were always very responsible just very hard-working great people and then in terms of their relationship and the influence that had on me they’re very different and so what I saw was I actually have to try to go a little bit opposite direction of my parents I feel like they’re they’ve made it work and I do write about this I dedicated my books my parents there are almost 50 years married which is amazing but I don’t feel like my mom and I are very similar personality wise were very life with a party kind of extreme extroverts you know love going out and go out all the time Travel love adventure and you know my and very you know talkative expressive my dad on the other side and is a more introvert like to stay in he could watch id channel all day and doesn’t like to talk on the phone you know just really values his alone time in space so I don’t feel like I vibe well with I should say wonderful traits of a father because he’s not gonna be out of the bars down the street you know he’s gonna be home every night we had dinner around the table growing up myself at my older brother I should mention my older brother Derek who lives in Atlanta and it grew up with me in Philadelphia he six years older than me so we had a great upbringing very whole you know again meals on table every day you know I was a girl scout and ballet classes and you know band and all of those good things wholesome things but as far as my parents relationship it I don’t think it would work for me and I get I write about this actually more in the about Me section of my book and so I’ve tried to now really focus on you know many people that are closer and personality type with me and some of the guys in the book that I write about or been a little more introverted or you know just having different fundamentals within I have and that I feel like isn’t won’t make for me to have successful long-term relation I don’t really want to have the columns of compromise extreme compromise I thought my parents had to make so so yeah I’ve my parents are a big influence on my my decisions and honestly it’s I’m bad but it you know because I didn’t I saw how hard it was it kind of helped me decide that I didn’t really want to get married I didn’t necessarily think that I couldn’t get make those compromises those difficult decisions every day didn’t look like I wanted to really love my autonomy my flexibility when I’m free and single so we’ll see what happens but but yes that was my parents relationship did play a big role and I think for everybody it does but it did play a role in the decisions I’ve made so far probably support staying single but then again in selecting a partner I do feel like I’m going to pick someone probably not quite like my father as wonderful as he was I would prefer someone who was a little bit more social and outgoing like myself mmm then if I think David wants to jump at the big David jumper okay so I wasn’t going to ask you with me so think your parents teen Mary’s I just years that’s kind of the acceptance of the rule yeah and so yeah that’s a that’s what’s so deep in you just in your extinct yeah Davis broken up like you’re sitting on the speaker or something bro step okay how about that better there you go better okay so being married that long so I just want to have you have any thoughts on it just from your own experiences when do you think someone is a person is more prepared to go the long haul with someone you know 20s and their 30s I mean any person I think people still wait until either the late 20s or 30s before they really settle down and kind of developed into you know a person and figure out who they are before they settle down for the long term i 100% agree with that I think the tough part is for women you know my madami standpoint your you know kind of biologically conditioned to try to find that mate Polly before age 35 6:37 and that’s what puts a lot of pressure on young women because you know who’s to say you’re going to you know but shopping carts at Whole Foods but you’re mr. right by that time I mean you might maybe you don’t meet them till you’re 47 I mean like and so it’s it’s hard you know for women I think too um kind of balanced waiting for the right person and then trying to make sure you don’t wait too long if you’re you know biological clock is telling you otherwise thankfully for me I never had a desire to have children it’s a strange thing I love children we have a charity for children I just threw ever reason didn’t have a innate desire to have any of my own so it was easy for me but yeah so I had my choice I definitely would postpone waiting to get married forever because I jumped so bad but and I probably get a little bit of the cynicism for my dad I love him to death he’s very cynical and so even on my my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did dinner presentment and someone said you know that’s my dad collar you’re asking about oh how did you do it you know and he’s like well we’ve been a lot easier if you could you know take a break every 10 years or something like that you know something of that excited it out you know it is really hard to be with one person forever I think you know matter you know love you know kind of is a fleeting kind of feeling it’s not just a hundred percent you feel you know in love every day all day so you know I know but my father and my mom would they really value is family and you know making sure they were staying together as a unit for for the family quite frankly I know that was their main motivation and because they’re both really the people and my knowledge there was no infidelity or any you know deal breakers that occurred I think that’s how they were able to kind of get through maybe some of the challenging time that they might have had in their relationship it was like okay well you know we’re still going to stick it out and and make it work but it’s it’s not for everybody I don’t think I could have made it that long and this is very controversial and but I do say this to people when I talk about marriage I don’t know that men are biologically set up for a long-term commitment to one woman so that’s something that I’ve always kind of felt strong about even though I believe I come from a family of you know again parents who’ve been together forever and to my knowledge faithful I just have never really felt like I wanted to you know tell me and hey you come with me for the next 50 years sorry you know I just I feel kind of I don’t know confining and I I never really wanted to have a Mac commit to that that sounds awful I know that sounds absolutely crazy but that’s been my view for many years now and when I say that to men they’re using like yeah girl that’s right you know and then but they don’t say that in front of a woman so but then it you know but then the other side of that is what’s the alternative you know if you don’t select one a partner for you know the better part of your life you know the alternative is you’re kind of maybe bouncing around you know and you’re not committal and that’s not so easy either that comes with its own share of risks so so choose your poison you know or you’re just completely solo which some people can do I’m not good at being by myself you know I need to have it I need have some level companionship it could just be for my girlfriends and have to be from a guy but I know I thrive on energy from other people so hey as long answer here sorry guy no that’s great it makes a lot of sense in a lot of respects and at this point I do want to give a shout out to dr. Francis Cresswell thing are you familiar with her I’m not yeah I think you know for the listeners and for yourself that you would love I love this woman I mean she’s awesome god bless Ted she transitioned a couple of years ago at 80 something but I remember and that probably was a bonus for me going to an HBCU we kind of were used to certain things that other you know when I talk to people that didn’t go they didn’t get those experiences and so when she had come and spoken you know she’s on the platform and she’s a psychologist for people that just to give you a little bit more – psychologist suits at the University of Chicago and so she kind of as you learned right going to getting higher education I think you have an advanced degree as well you and then you bring that back to the community right and so you know her whole main thing was you shouldn’t you should wait until you’re about 28 to 30 and you’re saying this to a bunch of 19 20 21 year olds and they’re like what what are you talking about and then all these years later it makes so much sense because of knowing yourself and so like like even when you’re talking about the book I should have left wind that the notes to me that they were the time and just myself too and maybe most of the people that we interview there’s a time where your intuitions with you your whole life but you turn it off and you don’t listen to it and so there’s all these signs of red flags and we’re going to get to the funny stuff right but a lot of it’s funny because we weren’t listening to the intuition oh it’s that one relationship that we all wanted it’s always there and we take it for granted or we did and I’ll speak them speak for myself yeah and when you’re saying that about your parents so here’s the question so what was really interested I finished undergrad in the mid 90s and I believe that the first we were the first generation that women didn’t go to college for an Mrs degree right so right what would that make us girls went to school because the guys are going to be a doctor lawyer and when we graduated it was like what job do you have they were like what job do you have okay so it was more of a focus on career and maybe personal enrichment versus settling down get like ah why would I do that I just got this degree and I’m moving far away from my parents and all of the above were you in that what I could I loved you in that same boat that you were not so much didn’t want to be like your parents but you had opportunities that they may not have had yeah I do actually write about that and the about Me section again in my book I talk about how you didn’t starting back for my grandmother and the limited options that she had in selecting on me and then you know my mom few more options a little bit you know broader pool but I mean for me the world is my oyster you know especially because you know we can date any race I mean I could even date a woman if I wanted to I mean it’s just like anything you want you can do and I think that it is a major transition in our generation I was born in the late 70s so I think you know anybody kind of born in the late 60s and Beyond I think we all kind of are in a period where you know we came up as equals in terms of men and women and I think that is a big difference from our parents and prior generations like you said where you were more the you know the missus you were the you know that subacid expectation you’re going to come out of school you’re going to get married and you know you become a secretary or a teacher or nurse or you know all great professions but the fact now that you could do something that can put you on a you know an even higher playing field and put you you know in a place even where you might be making more than your mate it just throws in a whole different dynamic versus you know the the June Cleaver image that we kind of grew up watching but knowing that was what we wanted you know at home you know with the vacuum cleaner and you know serving her man it’s like well now you know the type of leadership that I would desire a partnership that I would desire if I’m going to be in one is one where we’re equal you know if I’m you know taking out the trash you’re vacuuming or if I’m you know Washington dishes you’re cooking or whatever just that balance is what I prefer and that’s one thing that I learned as well from viewing my parents I feel like the major challenges that they had were situations where one person depended on the other person solely for any particular role so say for example you’re always your job to cook then you might get a little bit of frustration or resentment where it’s like oh my gosh like I you know do I always have to do that unless you really love doing that one thing if that person relies when you solely for one thing it kind of can become a point of contention and you know same thing in a traditional marriage where you know the husband is the breadwinner and you know you know the White has to do all the chores well she’s like oh gosh I really don’t want to do other tours you know maybe I said that’s kind of a I think you know I know that was motivation behind you know women’s live and women wanting to be free to do whatever they want you might want to stay home that’d be great I mean some of them they love that but you might also prefer to be in a corporate environment or start your own business and you should have the freedom to do that and I think the only the downside with that change in our culture is that it’s now it’s kind of undermine the traditional value of a marriage because then in the past you had to stay married because he was your financial you know support you know you can even buy a house as a woman before and as a man you know it was kind of a you needed that woman to take care home take care of the kids raise a family and so now you know the current day marriage the need isn’t there as much so that’s why I think we’re seeing 50 percent divorce rate and more because you don’t need to stay married for any other reason than that you rub each other and if the love fades which unfortunately all the times it may you don’t have that that fundamental kind of tie to keep you together so so yeah I think that our wishes are very different you know than our parents relationships you know coming up in the time that we did I think that it’s you know it’s changed a dynamic because you and I are equal and I can do everything that you can do and that makes you view me in a different way and that makes again the relationship have a different set of challenges than it might have in the past mmm yeah and let me say I do have to address that 50% because breakup rate because in the Wall Street Journal two weeks ago they mentioned that divorce rates are declining not and in the increase like it was for so many decades and they were asking why you know they of course for Wall Street Journal they would have the data and what they were finding was that with college-educated people or couples they did decide to get married later when were in their mid-30s or something they had they didn’t have to scramble have the scarcity if they like they had when they were younger like you were saying and so there was more stability there was more stability in their job or their in their business or what they were wanting to do and so we’re actually seeing that trend drop and in the Wall Street Journal they did I mean it was one article but they were saying that’s for a college-educated but I think that it may be along though it may be the same for those that didn’t go to college if they waited also so I’m not saying that I mean I have family members that I got married right after college and they’re still married so I don’t want to say say hey we’re all one page and wait until you’re 90 to get married but well you look at the data I’m sure we could find data for each for for every argument that we have what one thing I do want to ask you because going to and like I said at a HBCU and just in the college environment where the numbers are just so out of whack and there was that joke that you know black men’s college is through the penile system what’s kind of sucks alright so if it were like 30 to 1 then the people were always saying oh I’ve met the right one this week you know and then the point I’m kind of getting to is Negro geography I want to play with you a little bit on Negro geography because when you talk about the dating pool it becomes really small as you were saying based off of what you’re looking at and we didn’t go over your your list but that that list of the list of people may be really small so you may be in Orlando but those people if they’re Greek or if they have same st. professional ties they may have relationships or business dealings with people in Atlanta and so you may be dating somebody and they’re home they their home boy knows them or things like that and that’s where the joke with Negro geography came about and it was tongue-in-cheek about your blog post about life after installment yet another married man because that falls right into it and I want you to tell a little bit about that story and then we can get into you like your list yeah no for sure so on my web site should’ve left com so there I’ve started a blog where I talk about some of my relationship experiences outside of the book and just the kind of kicked readers engage of how to against some variety of readers over the last couple of months that have really seemed to enjoy reading the book and so when I could continue to feed them content while I’m working on the next book so one of the blog stories is a about a guy who I met at a film festival of Miami and he you know kind of poured at me from what we talked on the phone for a little while but then you know every time you got kind of asking to meet up if it’s like just last minute and you know hey come to this hotel I’m like oh wait no I’m not doing that and so finally I ended up seeing him again at the same Film Festival a couple years later after we kind of you know kind of fell out that fell off its kind of stop talking kind of you know time to kind of go on we weren’t in communication much anymore and we had a mutual friend the mutual friend I was with knew him went up to him and said hello and he came back and he said oh yeah that’s you know so-and-so and his wife I’m like wife what he’s ago yeah I’ve known them for years I’ve been married since you know the 90s or whatever I’m like wait a minute how so yeah I mean I and I do talk about similar story in the book where you know what will comes light or what but you know what Dunham’s dart will eventually come to light because you know the guys that I have engaged with that I thought you know we’re single men and they tried to keep their marriages on the low eventually I’ll find out one way or another so might as well just be honest yeah yeah so in your experience meaning have you exclusively just dated black men or you dated other races too yeah so majority have been african-american but I do mention in the book you know I’ve had some international travels for business and for pleasure I’m an auditor by background and some things that I’ve had a career that’s kind of taken me a lot of places nationally and then again internationally so I’ve met I talked about with one guy I met this is years ago in Germany he was of Armenian descent I had another guy met and my goodness Punta Cana oh my goodness like Oh Costa Rica and he was a Moroccan descent so I’ve had you know usually they’re if they’re not black they’re brown and I have not I have not really officially dated Caucasian oh I was my early twenties I did date an Asian guy that actually turned out he was married as well and didn’t tell me so yeah so so yeah I have had a little bit of you know kind of dipping my toe into kind of outside of the african-american world and but again because I mention a topical I really prefer someone who is very similar to me you know it’s not so much about the race it’s about the culture because if it was about race I could date an African guy or I could be a you know a Jamaican guy but actually don’t prefer that either I really personally I prefer someone who has you know culture that’s aligned with mine similar upbringing to what I experienced and you know that’s not for everybody we have a dear friend who is married to someone from Germany and that worked well for her I just know it wouldn’t necessarily work for me so yeah I have traditionally dated African Americans for the most part yeah I refer that set yeah for me it’s really important that it sounds crazy but you know like if I talked we talked about sports music and just the things that are like kind of all Americans or all African American food you know I I just like to share those things with a significant other if I’m going to be in a type of a partnership yeah and so write read forget your list there do you ever think about well maybe this person that I’m thinking about going out maybe he has a list or any guy could have a list and on your ends is that you have to you know quote unquote have your act together because maybe he’s going to have a list or are you you know what I’m not going to think about what this person is looking for if I’m what he’s looking for well then that’s that and you know you don’t really think much about what the person is looking for so you don’t have to carry yourself in a certain way or yeah I think that’s the beauty of getting older again now being 41 I think that a you and I think the older you get the more you kind of you know you know yourself and it sounds very cliche but it is true I am at a point in my life where you know if it works that’s great if it doesn’t that’s perfectly fine I know I’m not going to bend over backwards or change that much for you know for someone because again I know I can be happily single so that’s that’s a great thing for me because I think if you’re longing to be in a partnership or relationship with someone so badly you might you might end up settling for less just because you want to be loved because you want to be in a relationship but if you can be really truly happily single and and you’re not you’re not pursuing a relation because you want to take care of you or you want you know any of those those reasons that traditionally always kind of the reasons that we got into these relationships just I don’t think that gives you the best result in the end I think when you go into it as a whole person and you’re happy with yourself you’re you’re fulfilled you achieve the things you want to achieve in life or you’re you’re working towards those goals you know what they are you’re confident in that when someone comes along they’re not going to knock you off that bow and they’re not going to move you you know so to your question I’m not as if what he’s looking for aligns with me that’s great if it doesn’t it’s just not going to work at this stage of my life you know I’m very very sure of who I am and what I bring to the table and I would prefer someone could meet me halfway and I can tell very quickly if they can’t and if you know and I might not be enough for that person you know maybe they want you know Oprah Winfrey I don’t know I mean they could want you know got Gabrielle Union I mean whatever the case is I mean it I’m not you know a queen you know I have my flaws so I definitely and open about that and have no problem you know making sure that we make sense for each other because I don’t want anyone who’s going to be in any way dissatisfied I want you to be very sure that I’m the right person for you and that I’m enough for you for the long term mm-hmm and so what do you think is we’re kind of doing like the cliffhanger about getting peer list but I want to ask you what’s the difference from dating now it’s just the 20s I mean if you sounds like you’re set with your business you have a phenomenal book people all life’s are coming to you and when we can pretty much write their own ticket and so what’s your what’s your dating like dating life like now since you have this foundation and women are able to do what they want are you dating older men or are you dating younger men in their 20s I mean that could be hey you know this is this what’s going on with ah oh that’s funny so I have always liked older men even when I was in my late 20s I was dating guys in late 30s actually he that have a mention this as well in the book I when I was in my 20s I David guy who was 42 like the call had 42 because it was such a big deal to me that he did 42 seems too old and now a lobby 42 in a couple months it’s got ironic but yeah I’ve always preferred older I don’t know I don’t really guys really talk through exactly why that is other than the fact that I know I’m very mature I’ve always been and I’ve always had older girlfriends as well I always joke about not really knowing who’s going to bury me because I don’t have any kids that I mean nieces and nephews and all my friends are older so I’m like oh what’s going to happen so so yeah I’ve just always preferred older and that will stay the same I don’t even prefer people that are my own age or guys that are my own each I just doesn’t yeah so guys your age need to step it up because they still about maturing or the level of limited sounds like no i know i don’t feel it i don’t see yeah there’s Barry I can’t tell you I don’t think I don’t ever remember dating anyone my own age other than like high school yeah after that it’s always been older so yeah i’m yeah routinely ten plus years older and i talked about that there is a story in the book of malachi I dated with almost 20 years which was too much which is part of the reason why didn’t work out but yeah sure well the second part of that question is you know if you’re dating older and you mentioned the lovely story with your parents and we’re at the age where we are the Sandwich Generation so some of us do you have children and then some of us had like you said your parents are like your kids now and that wasn’t in a derogatory state it was also they’re getting older so you take care of them so what is what is the paradigm of dating older people and the older men and the Sandwich Generation that have older parents or may have children to date what’s that scenario like for you yeah so I do and I mentioned this in the book as well with a gentleman I met his name is Luke in the book I’m I did change all the names of the book to protect the guilty I should mention that so when I met Luke he had a child who live I think 12 and I said well as long as it’s double digit ages at this point I’ll deal with it I used to be like I really prefer they’re like you know later teens just because I know it sounds awful but I prefer their pretty much almost like one foot out the door because it just there’s a whole lot of challenges that come in of course it’s you know trying to be a parent to someone else’s kids and I you know because I didn’t want to find him to be a parent to begin with then to bring it you know a mother you know your partner’s ex into the situation it’s just it’s a lot and I personally never really wanted to have that dynamic in my life if I could avoid it but finding a guy at this stage that has never been married with no kids other than someone I know there’s not many out there and so you do end up but you know once you’re in your late thirties I’d say starting to identify guys that you’re going to date that are going to have kids and the most women obviously it’s not an issue I’m just the abnormal person in this sense that I prefer that the kids are older well you know life goes so quickly I remember I was not really thirty that met a guy who had kids that were like 11 and 12 and I thought oh gosh they’re just too young and now those kids already in college you know so it’s like you know if you could just sit tight and wait through it it you know they grow up so quickly it almost doesn’t matter but the two-year-old that’s pushing it that was sure well let me let me ask you about boomerangs right because you’re talking about when you were doing Microsoft Word and sitting this to your friends this was pre social media right and so you can have you didn’t have access to the wide range of people that you do now like you travel an office other stuff so have you ever bloomerang where maybe mr. 2004 you look them up and you’re like holy crap he’s totally he wasn’t what I wanted back then but now he’s the bee’s knees so yeah I kind of do have a story like that it wasn’t that big of a gap it was a seven-year gap and that’s um one of the stories in the book the guy Torrance that he’s featured as one of the gentlemen I call him flight and so if you ever if you pick up the book and leave that flight chapter there’s a little blue meringue there where I met him and then I don’t know exactly what happened but then he came back through social media seven years later and popped up and I thought oh whatever happened with that you know let me revisit that and see where see what happens and you have to read the book to find out money’s nice I do would have one thing you’re talking about with I should have left when right you’re talking about intuition and then sometimes there were signs that you should have paid attention to and you did it in and you’re like now you have this book right so I’ll tell one for mine that I thought was awesome that I’ll share with the with the podcast and both of my twin sister what we learned was when you bring people around for the hop you don’t really know them until the holidays because when you they’re around your family your family’s one way and then they’re totally different it’s a red flag and so we were like oh wow and so now like like you’re saying list it’s always modified and on your site you’re talking about some red flags for women and and for dating women what they should be aware of a love for you to highlight some of those yeah yeah so um yeah that’s a good one as you know just you know Kenya does your family like them you know so that was one one of the items on my list so I think that’s really important if you know your parents your family never liked them I have a lot of those situations in my past that you know like up should have just listened to mom you know so yeah so some of those red flags I have he has no true friends of his own a that one you know there aren’t people who are loners and they could be perfectly normal people I shouldn’t say I you know I’m because I’m a very social person it’s hard for me to wrap my head around someone who doesn’t really have you know true friends but I feel like I have when I befriended even girl who you know didn’t really have close friends I you I usually find out pretty soon why they don’t there’s usually something wrong so I think it works both ways you know men and women or different people in general and there’s there’s a lack of people close to them there could be that could be a red flag one of the other ones I have on here he’s not available when you need him so you know I’ve had that you know those situations where you know you you need you know you cut it and I don’t like to meet people I like to do everything myself as much as possible but if you you know especially if you tell me you’re going to be there and you’re going to come through and then you don’t show up that is just like a huge red flag and just makes the intuition alarm go off it just makes your stomach turn when you know you can’t really rely on the person who’s supposed to be your significant other I like the list here the mister too-good-to-be-true guy everything is just perfect so you know I’ve had the guy who’s like oh you won’t have to work and you know we can get married in Fiji and you know have babyface sing at our wedding and just painting these like extreme picture that you know looking back it’s like oh gosh he had to be a liar but you know in the moment you know you don’t have to think like oh well you know why would he lie to me you know why would he you know and yeah so so yeah so that’s on the list of red flags and let’s see oh the guy who tells you that he loves you within the first week so I’ve had that just like saying it too soon it’s like okay you’re you’re out for something and you know it’s it’s even if you feel like you’re even getting close to you know falling for somebody you just keep your mouth shut you know you just don’t know especially then week is just way too soon and one last one I have is um he asks you for thousands of dollars oh yeah that’s a huge red flag and even if it’s for an investment yeah I do I am I was like oh I’m just being supportive and my friends are like what are you doing like oh you know what could go wrong yeah so I guess within the first week or two that if he’s a half king you go for money so telling you that he loves you you should not walk away with run run run as yeah why turded red but whatever that color is that’s a huge lag yeah so maybe you’ve never thought about writing a book form in kids I’ve had a lot of in so far that I’ve read my book and really loved it because they get the Prosecco I guess it’s almost like women reading Steve Harvey’s you know books for you know how to think like a man I think the look when men read it I literally had a man who I met recently at the Tom Joyner family reunion and he paid about my book really quickly right after an email me and he said you know wow it really gave me insight into the way that some women think you know and he really really enjoyed it so I do feel like it myself to men as it is so yeah yeah if you did it as a pseudonym no one would ever know oh oh you mean change writing for man yeah his name is homie home worsen right yeah that how many when I go and Amazon and just do like searches for like you know dating advice books and things like that that’s overwhelmingly met written by men for women and it’s crazy on me because it’s like you know ladies we can do this ourselves you know and that’s part of my foundation and what my platform is you know really being able to dig deep and do your own work to look back on what you’ve done wrong and make better decisions going forward so I really really have the answers yeah we really have the answers inside and we just need to you know kind of tap into that gift I have one last question we are at the top of the hour because you have a you’re talking about credit score guy and then you have RadioShack guy and all of this guy out of date because RadioShack doesn’t exist so that he were bell-bottoms and notice like dollar you know it’s funny about that I was in Jamaica last weekend and saw a RadioShack and I was like oh my god that’s where they went so there’s a there’s a long didn’t win and the Mexico and I was living there there’s a couple over who knew so yeah but I mentioned that because I talked about going back in for my next book and writing about guides for my early 20s and RadioShack with my own money so yes a quill around back in the early 2000s and that’s where he worked and yeah he was just not a good that was not a good ending to that story either but that’s for another another chapter sure so there’s going to be a blockbuster guide to this I actually did date a guy I worked at a video store a small antenna Hill where I grew up in Philly that’s funny hey that’s funny black mr. tower red tower records a guy might let’s keep it going myspace Mike I did meet a guy when I was 20 years old on black planet I think it was and I yeah I flew down to Atlanta to meet him that’s how crazy I am yeah but we’re actually still friends this day he’s a great guy listen Atlanta married everything that one worked that was a good internet dating story got bad one yeah it shuttle for real and shout-out to the Beehive because Beyonce sister brought black planet recently so they keepin it going yeah yeah she bought her in 2019 so I guess they’re gonna revive it apparently yeah yes we’ll see and I think I mean the hour just flew by and I have so many other questions and maybe we should have you back on but before we do thank you thank you it was a joy Mimi but please let us know your site your where we can pick up the book and your social media so people get in touch with you yeah so you can find a book on Amazon it’s a hard hard copy any book on Amazon if you just put a meme and fill in my Mima NSF ILD or you can go to my website should have left comm there is a link there to get to my Instagram to my Twitter and to the Amazon page to purchase and there’s also of course on my website more information about me and then my Instagram is at meeting until 8:00 and my twitter is at minions field so plenty of ways to get in touch with me I would love to stay connected and so feel free to reach out anytime awesome well you’ve just been in tuned to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective this is Hamza and I’m David fly eagles fly it’s been a pleasure and hopefully they I live in Atlanta but this is the one time I don’t wave the flag for the Falcons it’s all eagle today as Orlando same thing yes well it was a pleasure me me let’s definitely stay in touch all right so good thank you Hamza thank you David you’re welcome thanks again for checking out another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homeless perspective podcast please check us out on our website at intrinsic motivation dot life where you can click on the speak pipe button and leave any suggestions for a future podcast that you like us to cover also check us out on our social media sites we have a YouTube channel Facebook page iTunes podcast in addition to stitcher and Google Play all under intrinsic motivation from a homeys perspective check you out next time have a great day

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