Relationship Coach Near Me With Rockstar Relationship Coach Daryl Fletcher

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Check out our interview with Relationship Coach Daryl Fletcher. Hear his story about how he transformed his life during the “down economy” to become a sought-after relationship coach.

Video Transcript

welcome to intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective podcast where we meet experts from all walks of life to learn their intrinsic motivations so that they can share it with the world what do we have in store today stay tuned to find out more [Music] good evening good morning good afternoon everybody out there in podcast land this is intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective I am hamza and i am david and i am happy to introduce someone from our own backyard we have a relationship coach we have a rock star relationship coach here in Atlanta Georgia he is a speaker he’s an author he has a number of books out there and if you go to the site Daryl Fletcher speaks calm he looked like am in a deal if anyone watches Lucifer so we have somewhat of a celebrity on the podcast sit well without further ado I’d like to introduce Daryl Fletcher hey hey hey how’s it going man thank you so much for having me I appreciate the opportunity to share with you and also your listeners so thank you very much absolutely absolutely and I’m kind of on a high note for that I don’t know if you listen to some of our most recent podcasts but I am originally from South Jersey which is the Philadelphia suburbs and so I’ve been waving the flag for the Eagles for a very long time and happy that they’re going to have their parade tomorrow and hopefully they won’t have as many shenanigans that they did one of the Eagles won the other night wow that was quite quite that was quite a doozy to say the least and I’ll just leave it at that yeah I think it was the the best approach and I think there’s probably going to be some theme throughout the podcast tonight a lot of he had spoken with a lot of Eagles fan know we’ve had a lot of heartache great for the past 50 plus years and so it was kind of like you know what it would be great if we won but we’re just so happy to be here and as a rock star coach relationship coach you may may or may not run into some of that we’ll uncover that as we move forward but I was just just from the last thing about the Eagles is somebody in the middle of all that chaos he proposed to his girl she said yes then they turned over 50 more cars already was a battery yes levers would be air in February we have a couple more days what seven more days before a Hallmark holiday and we have a relationship coach so before we get started in to dive into deep into it I like for you to talk a little bit about yourself and how you got into the realm of relationship management awesome well once again my name is Darrell Fletcher a relationship strategist and life coach essentially I help frustrated couples improve the quality of their relationships and show struggling singles how to make their next relationship their best relationship and so with that I got into it because I most of my life I’ve been involved in ministry most of my life I’ve been involved in some sort of capacity of serving others and in 2010 I went through an ordeal in which I went to a divorce myself and so with going through a divorce and really beginning to understand that maybe I started out this thing wrong maybe maybe maybe what I thought I knew I actually didn’t know and into going through that got some coaching and some training and some and some counseling myself and one of the things that I realized was that I realized that I had an issue with commitment and I had an issue with being vulnerable and of course if you know anything about any copy relationship whether it’s a business relationship whether it’s a familiar relationship whether it’s a romantic relationship rollability is one of those things that you really need in order for things to be successful and so through that I started journaling and from journaling that journal turned into a book called disgustingly beautiful the good bad and ugly of couples and essentially from there I would have to say that my life changed the reason why my life changes because I really begin I overlooked I had an opportunity to interview over 300 people and just get their perspective on relationships along with my of human behavior and just the you know years of doing different things and I really begin to understand that men and women want the same things but we have a different way of communicating it and so as a relationship strategist communication would have to be my central focus which is actually which led me to my next book up that I’ll be releasing later on this year which is called don’t just talk connect and how to have successful personal and professional relationships through effective communication so that’s a little bit about me what I do because my goal is just to help people change their lives from wherever they are to the next level I appreciate that you had mentioned the divorce back in 2010 I know there were some initial backlash for Steve Harvey the comedian when he started writing his famous books about relationships and they were like when you’ve been divorced and you’d like yeah because I’ve been divorced I have a unique perspective on this this isn’t linear where we write off to the sunset we got to take a day by day exactly I mean just well and in that regard many people would say well that makes you a hypocrite and I would and I would challenge that statement because if we were walking down the road and I fell into a ditch and then I climb out that ditch and then I stand next to that ditch and tell anyone that is going near or around that ditch hey don’t step there you don’t want it you don’t want to go there that does not make me a hypocrite that actually makes me a humanitarian so through my successes through my challenges through my mistakes do my bad decisions I’m standing next to the hole of relationships and saying hey there’s some different things that you can do in order to help your life be be a little bit different now in the let’s just go back I want to stay here for a second if you don’t mind so for 2010 that was around the era of not even recovery there was still a lot of people flailing due to economics especially here in Atlanta I mean they were just unprecedented growth we were actually one of the last cities to actually experience some type of discovery or recovery if you will and did that contribute to the divorce your divorce I would have to say yes and interestingly enough that you would ask that there is a chapter in my upcoming book don’t just talk connect where I actually talk about that where I they wanted to I was working for a large retailer here I was a manager in the in the retailers retailing sphere and it was actually around 2008 that this took place two times our 2007-2008 the district took place in which they wanted to cut my salary in half and I was like that’s crazy you know that’s that doesn’t make sense and at that time I had I had a side gig that I was doing where I created and made custom suits and custom shirts because I’m a tailor and I figured I said you know what I can I can make my salary if I had a hundred percent of my time dedicated to my business and things what things were going well they started up very well I traveled over grounded country selling suits to different at different conferences and bankers and executives and with that when the bottom fell out of everything it affected my business tremendously and so I talk about it in my book where the communication that I gave to my my wife been uh it wasn’t effective because all she heard was I was leaving my job she didn’t really have an opportunity to understand or she didn’t even hear my why and so for two years she carried that resentment from her you know and and in a heart-to-heart conversation she just blurted that out well you left your job for no reason I said wait a minute wait a minute you don’t remember when I called you and I told you you know what I wanted to do I didn’t just pick up and leave my job it was because you know they cut my salary in half and that was the motivational factor behind that because I figured hey you know we could we could make you know this type of money on our own and so and that and that’s what we did so the the key to that was not taking or allowing that financial impact impact us to a manner to where that I communicated selfishly I communicated from a place of it was all about me and not considering you know her her side of the perspective so it’s important that you know whatever you may find yourself that you know you have to be able to communicate in a such a manner where it connects with your audience and connects with the is that the person that you’re speaking to because there’s always more conversation going on here’s what was said and then there was what was heard and then there is what was meant and then there were what was felt so that pressure that economic pressure that was put on my family during that time could have been maneuvered a little bit better if I had effective communication Darrell why why is this so hard for men and women to communicate relationships just within your experience why would you say that uh the reason why is because men and women are innately different and because we are innately different what we’re going to do so let’s put a few like this one of the key elements of a good relationship is communication that is bar none you guys cleaning expert of that and they will tell you communication is important but here is the challenge men and women speak different languages so it’s not about communicating if we were on the line right now and you spoke Spanish and I spoke English I can talk all day you can talk all day you can talk slow you can talk fast you can talk loud but we still speak in the same language so the key in order to for men for men and women to really begin to to thrive and grow is we have to get out our selfish ways and learn another language and so if I dropped you off right now in France you would do everything you could to learn the language so you could survive so when you when you drop yourself into a relationship it’s both parties responsibility to learn that person’s language so that relationship can not only survive but also thrive so communication is very important and many women do communicate differently but here’s the thing we want the same things you want to be loved you want to be respected we want to be supported and when it’s all said and done that’s the essence of the of the of the of the relationship and so with that it’s just talk it just it just takes a person the opportunity to learn that particularly of that particular partner that they have lobster mm-hmm did you go to school here Darrell no I did not I actually grew up in the Miami area well I grew up all over really about two minutes before I got on the phone before I got on a call podcast with you guys I was talking to my mother and we were kind of reviewing you know my matriculation through elementary junior high high school because we moved a lot of places my father was a tremendous communicator and a great orator and because of his ability to communicate and connect he excelled and rose through the ranks of an organization called Woolworths and wool coal companies and he was a regional director now the significance of that is because he was a black man in a company that was known for their racist practices and he was able to maneuver through all that through effective communication and just Excel and so I was born in Williamsburg Virginia then we moved to Florida then we moved to South Carolina then we moved back to Florida then I moved to Georgia then I moved to Maryland then I move back to Georgia so I’ve seen a lot and done a lot and had an opportunity to really connect with a variety of that types of people and I would say I tell people this I have not always had a lot of money but I had a lot of relationships that I was able to leverage those relationships and and travel the world he it’s also good when you live in Atlanta to direct flight everywhere so I was listening to a guy the other day and he said you basically saying hey I don’t know if I’m going to heaven or hell but it’s a connecting flight in Atlanta so yeah dude and I do want to I want to say at 2010 for one before just a little bit longer because I actually I went to college here and so you know for for not even I went to an HBCU so we didn’t just celebrate Black History Month it was all year you know and so when everything was it that was Clark Atlanta University awesome and that’s what my wife went and my son just got a scholarship offers from college from the band to be in a band at Clark awesome awesome that is great news am i I have a I’m in the big brothers a sister program so my little he’s at oh I will I won’t say it’s high school but he’s in in town and he actually at Clark they had some economic issues with the loan program so they had last year they did their band wasn’t as robust as they used to be and so they reached out to his high school and Here I am thinking like yeah I’ve got to take my little tool to a game so you can see what the college life is like he’s touring with the university here around the country [Laughter] so so anyway I wanted to bring that up because Clark Atlanta because I I graduated from undergrad in 96 and at the time we didn’t know this man he was a you know he was just exec farm of Godfather’s Pizza and if you know you probably know where I’m going with this if you know who was the black exec from Hollywood Godfather he could be especially living in Miami so you probably already knows I’m going with it I I know who you refer to alright so so anyway Herman Cain so let’s go ahead give it up bitch let’s put it out oh baby though I loved it because I think this actually applies to where I’m going to go with this so so anyway we were going you know we’re seniors so you know you’re at that age where you can’t tell anybody anything and so he had I think he had graduated from Morehouse and his wife had graduated from Spelman it he was like man I just love coming to the AEC and you know talking to the young cats and I was there and you’re in your shoes and I know you you do not even listen to me right now because you think you have it all you’ve done you little internship blah blah he was like I got to tell you there is a tree around campus where we I have my initials and my wife signed in this or two so we were like oh that’s cute right and he was like at that tree he told her I am the type that likes to take risks I like you know all these different things if you want to marry a guy that’s just going to stay at you know one company for his whole life I’m not that guy and like you said because of that communication his wife was with them right and so we were like you know he had done everything and this is way before he decided to become a Republican presidential candidates 2012 but it kind of showed it showed us you know this is the pie eat this is the guy he takes calculated risk right I mean to some people may seem crazy but to others maybe not as much and so one thing that we had asked him we said well your wife rode with you because everything was successful and you know she didn’t really have any reason to complain and he had said that though you guys got it wrong when I be when I took over Godfather’s Pizza I got paid like a pizza flipper like he had to go through each position and he got paid accordingly and he’s like you know for a long time the marriage had gone a lot of ups and downs just because he wasn’t getting what he was getting at his corporate job he left the corporate job to start a franchise and it sounds I’m just bringing that up because I mean hunt is always 2020 but in 2018 if there were than a downturn and there were some other extenuating factors you think you’d still be married you know that is a very interesting question and I don’t know because you know my ex-wife and I we still have a great relationship we have four children together and even this past a couple of weekends ago we attend it’d be the Battle of the Bands together with our children because it’s a mr. tradition and my current wife she she understands and she doesn’t you know make any qualms about it so it I would ha I would have to say it would be hard to to even answer that question it’s that if I’ve never even feathered or thought about it but because we had some we had some other issues as well and communication on one of them you know I’m a communicator I like to talk my ex-wife she was not she was not the person that you know wanted to hash it out or talk it out she just wanted to let it fester and and that would that would challenge us so um looking at that I honestly don’t I’m I’m not a person that is lost for words but for that one I honestly don’t have an answer I really don’t I can’t even I can’t you stumped me on that one and that’s hard to do yeah yeah you really stuck me or no it’s interesting because David and I we had some alternatives upbringing if you will and and so you know we follow a lot of traditional stuff but we also follow let’s just say we’re open to different schools of thought and so there is a school of thought that there are no accidents and because you had gone through that initial relationship that made you even better candidate if you will for your current life yeah and and I would I would have to agree with that one I would not be the man I was or the man I am had I not gone through some of the things that I did I made a lot of bad choices I’ve made a lot of selfish choices that my first marriage however everything after that created me or made me who the man I am today so I would have to say you know it’s countable it’s almost like a catch-22 you know you don’t be like man the the experiences that I went through they were a challenge but man think they made me and it’s like you know if you think about a diamond you know and then coal but you know on that pressure that has to be under in order to make that Timon and then till does the diamond say hey you know I look beautiful and sparkly now do I do it should I regret going into the fire you know and and so with me I don’t regret going into the fire because I’ve had an opportunity to come out and be sparkly would have what you know from a perspective of what I have like my family to stay together that answer would be a hundred percent yes however I don’t know where I would be I did not go through the experiences that I did because it it it was a catalyst for me to mature was a catalyst for me to change a perspective my chain my perspective on women change my perspective on even myself so you know if I could have learned those lessons and stayed married then yes but if I would lose the lesson then I would have to go ahead and make that exchange because I believe the lessons were a knocked-up far valuable in my life and to make me the man that I am today well there are important was it you to to understand you know another person is dynamic or maybe specifically your ex-wife in a relationship it’s very important because I tell people all the time you’ll never hear me though my ex-wife under the bus I take full ownership and full responsibility of every bad decision every bad choice every moment of being selfish that contributed towards the demise of my marriage and so looking at her and I know she’s going through some things and you know you know it wasn’t really buy it wasn’t my choice to to get get divorced but I look at her and I see the importance of being looking at yourself in the mirror being able to look at yourself in the mirror whether it’s in a professional space or personal space it speaks volumes and until we take that walk until we take that walk to say you know what I need to take full ownership of whatever someone did to me because Will Smith put out a video a couple weeks ago he talked about fault versus responsibility and you know it may be somebody’s fault of what they did to you but it’s still your responsibility to not allow what they did to you affect you in such a manner that you can’t you can’t function or that you just be in a butt hole so you know when it’s all said and done you still have the responsibility of building your character you still have the responsibility of building your vocabulary you still have the responsibility of being a quality human being we can’t take the back the backseat and say well this happened to me when I was six and this happened to me when I was nine and and that’s the reason why I am okay that’s the reason why you are but it’s still your responsibility to be what you want to be so they kill you do that you always get what you’ve always gotten and when you always get what you’ve always gotten you’ll stay stuck right where you are so if you want to improve the quality of your life I say it starts with the quality of your communication and that first level of communication is yourself how are you communicating with yourself I won the Tony Robbins said this a couple of lonely when he said it but you know listening to some information and he said everything in life has no definition until you put the definition on it so how will how will how will those challenges define you how are those things that happen to you that think that you thought were detrimental define you for so many people respond to different things differently and so here it is you have one person that that was was was was molested during childhood and so they went to a life of promiscuity but then you have another person that went into that had the same type of situation but they went into a life of being thriving and making sure that that doesn’t happen to another person so they had a same experience but they chose to define the experience differently one use it as an excuse to go down a different path but one use it as a reason to make sure that that doesn’t happen to another individual so here we are as human beings we have an opportunity to really shape and mold our lives based on how we define or how we choose to define what happens to us because you can’t control what happens to you but what you can control is the response that you have yes we agree but about those that struggle with you know emotional attachments mm-hmm well let’s take a look at emotional attachment you know emotional attachment when we when we really fundamentally break down emotions emotions are indicators they are not dictators emotions are simply indicators not dictators so what does that mean if I step on your foot you feel it so you know we’ll say that it represents our emotions a feeling and so when we emotions we I would just I would define it this way emotions are an either or indication that something has happened or something needs to happen so if someone does something to you and it affects you most emotionally and typically it comes from a place of hurt then that hurt only really derived from a sense of loss you may have sensed that you may have lost something and so that is an indication that something needs to happen in order for you to be healed because if you take the time to just say you know what I’m just going to bow out of life I’m just going to allow what happened to me when I was young affect me for the rest of my life or you can make the decision to say you know what I don’t know how to change but I want to get some help to change so nothing has any meaning except the meaning that we give it and if when we make the choice and and and say you know what I’m going to look at this thing a little bit differently and so it may be some emotional attachment there but I’m going to allow that emotional attachment to be an indication of something for me to do something in order to get out of this particular situation I’d like to talk about a guilty pleasure of mine and I have to I have to qualify that first so let me put an actor about it so the qualification has to be and there’s been studies that the the numbers that there are numbers to back this up so in the 80s which you know that was my error before era before going to school going to college and what influenced my decision was or a lot of it was you know The Cosby Show and the movie that had come out around that time they there was a huge push for HBCUs right at the time I wasn’t really thinking about it my girlfriend and I at the time we were both going to go to university because I had finished high school in Orlando so we were both looking at Gator land and and all that but with the witch I’m feeling different world there was just a huge push of African Americans from eight I think that stats are from 88 to 96 there was a 40 percent bump in enrollment at HBCUs right so okay so fast forward fast forward to the 28 teens and you have this TV show called blackish and you know people are watching that and what have you and then they have their spin-off which is grown ish and so I was just so happy because I was like wow this is going to get because the numbers of people going to get a degree has dwindled over the past decade past decade it sounds like wow there’s going to be more interesting going to college and everything that that brings so that brings my guilty pleasure so as a guy I was watching groaners because it’s really like a girl show why are you watching it but the triggers that I have to bring up is she’s on campus and she you know she’s she’s kind of playing the field you know she just got there and so she’s trying to date these two guys and they both found out and you know she’s busted right so she’s walking with her girls and they’re like you know be alright and and then she runs into the specks guy and that kept on saying guilty pleasure because that was a trigger for me because when I was in school for guys it was oh my god I want to play like for every twenty girl there was one guy right and so it was like oh man I remember the college days I’m bringing that up because you initially talk about issues with commitment and issues would be invulnerable and we just had our 20-year reunion last year and it was really interesting everyone that graduated and stayed here they were still single like they did the whole corporate route which myself and and others and everyone else that moved away got married families and all that it was just really interesting and I so it was a trigger when you said issue its commitment because in that HBCU environment or the college environment you have women that kind of have their pick of the litter and then when they get older they’re there in their corporate lives and what-have-you so that issue of commitment isn’t really there because they’re they have a lot of other needs being met I want to get your take especially we have like five clusters in the country we have Atlanta in my opinion Atlanta Chicago New York LA and maybe Miami where you have like the huge black middle-class but they’re not really settling down and I wanted to get your take on it’s talking about you’re talking about communication but I wanted you to talk about commitment as well yeah a commitment see you can’t practice which you can’t perform what you haven’t practice and so let’s back up you know with with from from away from college and just let’s say the average I did a study years ago I was a youth pastor and the average person starts dating around 15 or you know entertaining entertaining the opposite sex around 15 so and then further in my study I found out that the average relationship at that age lasts three to six months so that then tells us that okay if you’re average you’re entertaining two maybe even three people a year so let’s start so let’s do some math so if I let’s say from 15 to 25 I keep that pattern up that creates around let’s say 20 people that I have basically entertained dated in my life never commit it to them because anytime a problem would occur the first thing we do is we break up and so if I continue that cycle and then essai I’m 25 and now I’m 25 I meet this person that I really like I’m really into them I really just like they’re the person that I’ve been waiting for all my life for the past ten years I haven’t practiced any commitment I practice dating I practice like any person people I practice a whole bunch of stuff but I haven’t practice commitment and what you do the most is what you do the best and so what I do the best is getting in and out of relationships so commitment I don’t even know what commitment is I don’t even know how to commit but I want to because I’ve been told up that’s what I’m supposed to do and so if I continue that mindset and and let’s address the fact that what you said let’s talk about that person who had that that is upper middle class or you know has an upward mobility of up there of their of their social status or economic status and sort of for the last past ten years or whatever the case may be I’ve been focused on my career and being focused on my career didn’t give me the opportunity to really entertain anybody or really be committed to anybody I’ve been committed to my education so I can stop my chips and so I can get the the latest Benz or BMW or whatever and now a time here come time that my biological clock is ticking or I wanna I want to go ahead and you know be involved with in a committed relationship but I don’t know how I don’t know how because I’ve never had to no one ever put the demand on me and because no one put ever did man and I’m not saying that that’s something that we should do with people yo or you know put a demand on them maybe we should just you know kind of tailor them back from starting so early and I and I’ll tell you something else that was interesting in my study during that time a person between the 15 and 17 the average relationships last 3 to 6 months if that person waits to 18 to start dating that that average goes from a year to two years now I’m we just simply talking about the numbers because I made this I made this I told this on a different podcast one time and so the guy was like you mean to tell me I was tell my daughter what to wait that she 18 Sunday and I said no I’m just giving you the numbers and the statistics you can do what you want to do with them and you know my wife not my wife but my oldest daughter is 21 years old and she didn’t casually date she wasn’t in and out of relationships you know with people you know during that time did I allow her to talk to me yes I did because as a father and during that time I was actually dating I hated to talk to women that couldn’t hold a conversation so I wanted to have that ability to just at least have a conversation with the man and maybe hold his interest or really begin understanding but I was not going to allow her to get these these fly-by-night relationships and conditioned her conditioning her for being in and out of relationships so my daughter right now has been in a relationship she’s 21 and she has been in a three-year relationship with this one the three years of two years two or two-and-a-half year three years relationship I tribute that to number one having an open line of communication with my daughter I always tell my children we can always fix the truth but alive we can’t do anything with and so it’s important that we don’t lie and hide and you know do all the different things that that that are dead on that are all that are challenging to us they’re present and challenging on relationships and whether that’s you know whether your father a parent or a child whatever it is it’s always important to keep those 19 communications open and so one of the reasons why people don’t keep those line of communications open this judgement they’re free they are afraid of what somebody’s going to judge them about and so I’ll talk about that my book talking about creating a non-judgmental but getting back to the fix the fact of you know this commitment thing it’s important that we see that commitment is not something that you just say okay I want to do it you have to practice it my current wife I met her online and at that time I was talking to maybe six other women online but I really liked my wife and I called her and I said listen and I let her know you know hey I’m talking to whole bunch of other chicks online and you’re cool and she’s like okay cool I’m talking other people too and so but because I started really beginning to like my wife I called her and I said listen I know I have commitment issues but what I would like to do because I understand that I can’t perform commitment if I haven’t even practice it so what I’m going to do is I’m going to stop talking to these other chicks and I want to solely focus on you I want to slowly focus on you and give you it up and give us off into an easy to grow and expand what’s that challenging for me yes it was coming from my background and being single man don’t you say the ratio sometime in Atlanta is 20 to 1 and so you get the big hairy blob man shoot I can juggle this one have this one where’s Ian Justin on Thursday you know all the type of foolishness that we sometimes try to convince and deceive ourselves about but the one thing I was sure about is how what I wanted so I started putting my energy into what I wanted rather than what I what I would settle for so with the with the women who have chosen their careers before their social they’re there they’re you know getting married and all that type stuff there’s some consequences to that and and am I saying that you know hey you should get hitched up with a guy by saying that but what I’m saying is you build up such a level of independent to where you don’t in you don’t even know where a man fits in your life and so if I know anything about both men and women on both sides of the spectrum neither a man or a woman want to be an option they want to be a priority and I’ll leave it at that yeah that’s compass we’re not ending but that was like a regular way to in the pocket well this is not I guess we’ll dig in a little bit so um with that 15 to 20 applied it’s tough I mean this is okay so and I don’t have kids so you know my little I’m not hanging my hat on him right he’s 15 so what I would be so heartbroken right if he came it was like yo I got you nose in this girl’s pregnant you know they like not 15 to 25 like you don’t even know who you are yet and so yeah but we yeah men and women are not going anywhere they’re not they are not and we could just take some time to to just relax you know that’s the time you should be focusing on your education that’s the time you should be focusing on you know learning extracurricular activities playing in the play in the sport being in a band something you know you got all this energy focused on focus that focus your energy on that you know because it’s just if you’re just setting yourself up for an emotional roller coaster that will be never-ending find yourself by identify with to communicate with who you are first before you start trying to connect with other people because you’ll get on that roller coaster and then by the time you’re 35 you’ll look back off at your body count and you were like man I should have slowed down a little bit but but you say that because you developed a thirst and a hunger for early and didn’t know how to satisfy that thirst through any other needs so now the only thing is the next six and that fix don’t do nothing for you it’s the mean it’s almost like a drug you know you talk to any drug at it and they’ll tell you they’ll say hey man that first time was the best high and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back to that first high and I chase an hour now so here it is we have that same experience through lust that that first experience was Wow doesn’t that was great or that was a girl though right but then you just spend the rest of your life looking for that someone to fill that port or someone to feel that make you feel the way that person felt so being a whole individual in a relationship is the key you know you can’t be I work with men and women preparing them you know for you know relationships and you can’t go into a relationship saying man I just want this person to complete me nobody can complete you if you’re not complete when you get together but when you meet someone or you on your way to being complete you will blame you will blend put it like this if you get into a relationship empty you will blame the other person for not filling you up yeah exactly right I’ve always felt Dean I’ve always held myself responsible for my happiness within a relationship that’s just me personally yeah I tell my wife I said you don’t make me happy you add to my happiness exactly mm-hmm and when it kind of comes down to it Darrell and I say this because there’s this radio station listen to you on occasion and the guy there he’s always there always talking to have like a relationship the relationship segment and he always talks about you know relationships when it comes out to it are for mature people mature adults yeah relationships are not for the faint at heart and for the weak my wife says it this way you can’t love lead or live scared yeah but that’s the way many people do it yeah god bless the dead it makes me think of dr. crutch well saying she you know sue I mean we had the whole gamut that kind of came through in so I’m a little spoiled and that we had the black intelligentsia you know you got so many different schools of thought and I just remember at the time we were in that 15 to 25 year right that we were of our age and she was and she had introduced a concept of not even getting married until you’re 28 right it is like because you don’t know yourself until you’re at least 28 you’re going to go to twenties are full of so much change and so you know what’s your take on because there are not just our community I mean across the board people are get are waiting later and later to get married so what’s your take on that I’m an advocate of I’m an advocate of people waiting to they know that they’re mature enough to handle because marriage will expose who you are at your core you’re living with somebody you know day in day out and they have an opportunity to really see who you are not that not that the facade that you want everybody to believe who you are one of the most beautiful things that my wife ever said to me was I came in a room and I was a little frustrated about some things from from a financial perspective this is this is my current wife and I was disappointed in myself because I was supposed to you know do this deal and deal didn’t work out and I was a little bit too pointed in myself and I had to come in and tell her you know how things were going and she was ironing clothes in our closet and I expressed to her my disappointment and what was really going on and you know what she said to me she said Darrell I knew who you were when I married you that was the most beautiful thing that she could have ever said to me because what that told me is that she knew about the UPS she knew about the dance she knew about my strong points she knew about my weak points you know about everything about me everything that she knew about me and she still made the choice to say yes and because she made the choice to say yes she knew what she was signing up for and one of the number one causes of of divorce today is unmet expectations people have these expectations that this person is to save them opposed to make them feel like this I’m going to do like this I thought you was going to do it like that but the the distance between their expectation and reality is called frustration and so here we are and we want these things and we we have a mindset for these things but if we don’t manage our expectation and discipline our disappointments we will walk through life pointing the finger and always being the victim that’s huge that’s very hitch it makes me think of this left you know we’re coming out of I mean we’ve had some pretty good years after you know the last couple of years economically here in Atlanta and across the nation but the prior to us to say 2014 the divorce rate had increased because there are so many changes and you had you know you had a tooth let’s say a two-income household and one one partner off their position and then they found a position maybe three states away and they want up taken it was this really it was really interesting of I don’t know if decisions are made more so on survival or like you said unmet expectations is just like hey you know what this was great but it’s not working anymore or it’s not smooth and I think most people are that unmet expectations is that they’re not going to be any rocky roads through the relationship yeah and another interesting thing that took place during that time with to our economic downfall people were divorcing but staying together mmm like they were they what they would get actually they were actually get a divorce but you know what I can’t afford to live them all so yeah it’s not that we just want to toughen this thing I don’t like you to go your room over there but economically this is just what we want to do and I say I say the people who think like that may if y’all can stay in the same house and not kill each other then y’all can work that thing out and anyway that’s that’s my perspective on it you know you you if you can if you would tolerate enough to say okay we won’t live in the same house together I ain’t gonna touch you you ain’t gonna touch me but you know we just are we doing this you know forever man go ahead and invest in a coach and a counselor and a therapist and give your relationship the gift of a better you because most relationship issues are not relationship issues they’re individual issues that have manifested in the relationship yeah [Applause] that’s a that’s a really good point there I’m sorry about that David god I was going to ask how important is it for my couples to be present with a relationship and what I mean by is you know present time as in to not you know holding on to stuff in the past and of like grudges for example how does that regulation use it affects it affects relationships tremendously because those grudges become our filter of how we talk and how how we talk how we feel and how we try to connect with that particular person or our behavior with that particular person so if you are not just think about it every time you change your oil you get to feel a change a filter and you know think about it how people date I can remember for a time in my life if I broke up with you on Friday guess what I had a new chick by Monday I never changed my filter I was I was so I was treating Beth the same way I was treating teaching and treating them all the same telling them the same lines never changing my filter living in the past trying to create something new and if you’re in a present relationship and you’re holding on to stuff from 1999 that they did then you are doing that relationship a disservice and one of the reasons why you’re doing that relationship or disservice is because think of it this way when you’re driving in the car you have a windshield that gives you a maximum view of what’s ahead of you but if you only look in your view mirror you end up hitting everything and running everything over why because you’re so focused on what’s behind you that your future is is going to be damaged on what you haven’t let go of your past so the key element to that is once again I’ve got a heal I tell men a lot sometimes when I’m dealing with men and couples they say well she keep on bringing up this from the past and I’m going to I tell you this the reason why she’s keep bringing it up from the past is one or two reasons number one she hasn’t healed from it and number two you haven’t shown that your behavior has been adjusted so if the behavior hasn’t been adjusted it keeps reminding her so let’s say a guy has a problem with gambling and he Gamble’s the house away or he Gamble’s a mortgage payment wait let’s say does he gambler government emoji paving away she forgives you you stopped gambling for a little while then your gambling habit comes back up and then she keeps bringing it back up but and then she’ll say something like well you remember when you gambled the rent money and you like man that was two years ago but guess what you’re exhibiting the same behavior that put you in this space two years ago so you can’t heal from something a room can’t heal if somebody’s still poking at it so if we are going to hit actually heal we got to take those necessary steps to number one whatever happened in the past leave it there and in order to really go through that healing process we can’t be we have to confront it we have to be honest we have to you know just really let it all out on the table and say guess what all right I’m moving on I’m letting this go now it just doesn’t happen overnight but you have to become to the process of letting that thing go because if you’re not committed to the process then it will once again haunt you over and over love you you brought up emotions earlier once again killings are indicators not dictators so you’re allowing that thought from six years ago seven years ago ten years ago to haunt you and attach it to a feeling in the present moment and make you feel a certain way about it you can’t go forward like that that’s like trying to one run with shackles on your feet got to break the shackles first we have to break it mentally when we break it mentally you you can’t I tell people this you can’t fight mentally you can’t mental cannot fight with mental you can’t take one thought and try to overcome another thought that that just does not work biologically it doesn’t work like that the only way you’re going to overcome a thought is through resetting that thought through the words that you speak the important kicks so if you you can’t count to one in your head and speak the alphabet your brain doesn’t work like that your brain works in alignment so your subconscious mind is where all your memories are stored but your conscious mind is what assigns the feeling to those memories so here it is you now have to verbally speak something different that’s in your conscious mind to those memories that’s in your subconscious mind in order to get a different result or a different feeling so you have to be able to recondition yourself reset yourself in order to experience something different from what you experienced in the past does that make sense not make fun of phones yeah makes a lot of sense so it’s important and when we look at someone that is dealing with some struggles on the path is number one we have to redefine what that what that what that experience was if you look at that somebody hurt you then then science will tell us that you’re looking at looking at it as a loss rather than assigning the label of that wasn’t the loss that was a lesson she I tell people all the time I don’t they say you win some you lose some I don’t say that I tell you win some and you learn something because as long as I learn something guess what I never lose so whether it’s in a relationship and I did something or made a bad choice or I got to learn from that take a look at my marriage my previous marriage did I lose something something something may say I did but I learned a valuable lesson and I believe that the lessons that I’ve learned is much more valuable but people could say that I lost so let me ask you when to work Lord we’re going with it through this with my little right now right so we’re looking at different schools we’re looking at scholarships grants all the all the fun stuff you do with high school kids right because you’re you’re looking to prepare for his future and then afterwards you’re looking at you know setting up so financial instruments so he can be financially set and what we’ve been talking about has been a lot of reaction which I’m sure that’s when people would come to you which makes the most sense but and I think a lot of it could be potentially because they there’s an argument of hey I didn’t know what I didn’t know so what are some ways that can be proactive but also be indicators that they should speak with you well if you if you take a look at your life you you want to pay attention that there is some writing on the wall and just paying attention to writing on the wall at different patterns you just really have to ask yourself you know from a financial perspective for my relationships perspective what are some of the patterns that have been happening in my life what have I seen that you know could possibly be a red flag you know I tell I tell I tell people all the time that maintenance is always cheaper than repair so the three times in my life I’ve had to replace an engine in the car and the first engine cost me $1,500 the second engine cost me $3,000 and the last engine was so expensive that I couldn’t even I couldn’t even afford to change it but all those engines could have been saved through all change and all changes thirty five and seventy-five dollars depending on the brand and type of car you have and so what we do is we get in repair mode so frequently we have to condition ourselves to get made to this mode maintenance mode for your finances maintenance mode for your point for your relationships maintenance mode for your job maintenance mode for your future whatever it is we if we condition ourselves to be in maintenance mode convincing ourselves to say you know what I’m uh try to maintain this thing so what does it look like financially well let’s start with what your goals are what are your goals what do you actually want to do financially from a finance respective what is you what do you want your life to look like well okay now did you know what you want you to like to look like what is that going to take for you to for that to happen what type of life would you know how much income do you need to do that you need $10,000 a month $5,000 a month $20,000 a month in order to live your life so then we back backtracking what I call reverse engineering we start with the end in mind and then work our way backwards and really begin to understand okay if I want to have this type of life this type of I’ve discovered card lived this way I go to this College whatever it is that’s going to take me thirty thousand dollars a month what in the world what job could I do for thirty thousand dollars you know so okay well then let me scare my back life life back a little bit okay maybe I won’t live in this neighborhood maybe I won’t do this or whatever they’re going to take me five ten thousand whatever it is whatever you like the life you want to live whether it be in finances or relationship you can reverse engineer and say okay these are the things that I have to do in order to live up to this goal in order to live up to this standard and then you start putting the things in place in order to support that you if you if you take a look at a car being manufactured and then just break it down and move all the different parts you’re like man that’s a lot of different parts that I got it that I got a deal so start focusing on those parts when a plane crashes when there’s a plane crash they gather up every part to reconstruct that plane so they can know what happened and how to happen because they’re reverse engineering the sequence in their in their head so they can you know put all the pieces together so whether it’s in your relationship whether if in your finances but if it whether it’s in your family structure start with the end in line and then reverse back and really begin it so you can paint a picture okay I need some screws on these nuts I need some plywood I need some I need some uh nice of glue and all these different things so you can put that thing together and at the end you’ll get what you want so we we’re at the top of the hour so what you just mentioned that if I want to re-engineer with relationships how would I get in touch with you and what are your social media is so people get in touch with you and buy your disgusting beautiful and sit on their hands so they can get your don’t just talk connect book well you can follow me on social media all the same dare or Fletcher speaks that dar yl f L et CH ER speak SPE aks that’s Instagram Twitter my website Facebook we also have a social media love logistics that focuses on the relationship side of what we do love logistics circle and as love logistic circle calm on Instagram Facebook giving you some good quality tools and resources and information on how you can take your ination your relationship to the next level so you can follow me there and on like I said on all social media platforms I would love to connect with you if you have a question comment or concern I would love to see if we can connect and help you just give the gift of a better you to all your relationships fantastic you’ve just been in tuned to another fantastic podcast with intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective this is Hamza and I am David and Darryl it was a pleasure man let’s stay in touch and we’ll follow up with you as our journeys connect again yeah Thank You Man Man I appreciate the time and thank you so much for having me you’re so welcome thanks again for checking out another episode of intrinsic motivation from our homeless perspective podcast please check us out on our website at intrinsic motivation dot life where you can click on the speak pipe button and leave any suggestions for a future podcast that you’d like us to cover also check us out on our social media sites we have a YouTube channel Facebook page iTunes podcast in addition to stitcher and Google Play all under intrinsic motivation from a homeys perspective check you out next time have a great day you