The New Love Triangle – How To Use Law Of Attraction For Love

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Video Transcript

welcome to intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective podcast where we meet experts from all walks of life to learn their intrinsic motivations so that they can share it with the world what do we have in store today stay tuned to find out more good morning good evening good afternoon to everybody out there in podcast land this is intrinsic motivation from a homeys perspective I am Hamza and I am David and for many people that have been listening to our podcast for some time or are now at our 40th podcast so we’re really excited about that and look forward to 40 more and when we started our podcast one of the first one of our first episodes was God winks and we’re talking about a lot of synchronicity and I bring it up because today we are meeting with off there Alain Vaes Berg and he’s the author of the new love triangle book but I bring that up because we’ve been getting a lot of people in the IT realm and it’s really interesting because when we go into the IT realm or digital realm we don’t usually think we talk about intrinsic motivation or anything like that it’s usually a totally different world and so I’m really excited to speak with best-selling author Alain Vaes Berg welcome to the podcast hello thank you very much for having me and I think the rest of the conversation will probably go in ones and zeros I mention that’s the only way we’re going to talk for the rest of the podcast love and I see that you’re in Illinois I do we’re here in Atlanta David and I and here in Atlanta we usually say there’s about Atlanta’s a transplant city so a lot of people aren’t from here I’m from Jersey David’s from California and we as we say there’s about three Atlanta’s there’s pre Olympics there’s post Olympics and then there’s pre recession and post reception and then for this podcast we usually say pre 2012 post 2012 and reading some of your background it seemed like you know the Hollywood movie we my parents are immigrants I pulled myself by the bootstraps my business partner and I and I bought my first luxury XV had a wife family picket fence but I wasn’t happy something was still missing the bet ring a bell yeah yeah everything’s at the picket fence because the community that I live in they wouldn’t allow us to put everything else certainly does and I love Atlanta by the way I’m not just saying that because you guys are there but I have quite a few of friends and relatives that live in Atlanta in the Alpharetta area I’ve been there many times it’s one of the cities that actually imagined myself living in one day but never pulled the trigger and now we’re so deep rooted in Chicago that I don’t think it’s happening oh well it’s funny you say that because you know Atlanta and Chicago usually fight for the number one most traffic airport in the world and in Atlanta we always say if you die and go to hell there’s a layover in Atlanta if not there’s definitely one in Chicago but then you can stay there yeah coming will be canceled and then you’ll have to pay for your overnight stay or so I mean absolutely getting back to picket fences so it’s a it definitely something happened and around a 2012 and it wasn’t what most people were thinking about but in terms of the energy something shifted and I found myself in a similar boat to a lot of people apparently in Atlanta as well but it’s it’s been a very peculiar time of having early midlife crisis as I call it of trying to figure out who we are and why we’re here and have we actually done anything about it do you are you familiar with I’m sure you are with Tim Ferriss and the 4-hour workweek yes yeah I keep searching for it but I haven’t been able to quite do that yet he’s a he’s a best-selling author but I bring it up because you know he he kind of changed the paradigm for from a intrinsic motivation standpoint from a this is what you can do standpoint and I bring it up because you said this is kind of like an early midlife crisis and the premise of his book was you know before the book had come out I am going to work at ABC company for 30 years I’m going to retire get the gold watch and then you know live my retirement and he introduced more of the life hack where he can take many vacations many retirements and kind of just turn your life on edge instead of waiting into your twilight years to live life to the fullest so it seems like the paradigms going to change where you may say traditionally it was a midlife crisis but I’m having multiple midlife crisis crises yeah I certainly would agree with that and so with my wife unfortunately but yeah so before you go into that would be for just for the book purpose was the SUV really a convertible sports cars until the midlife crisis no no actually it was an Audi q5 it was a brown color very very pretty car I don’t have it anymore I have another luxury SUV now I traded that one in and get the Lexus rx350 net but it’s also brown to my wife dismay that’s that’s the second time I mentioned something about my wife so I guess we’re going to talk about relationships in a somewhat a little bit because you have a book called the new love triangle and that is a very saucy energetic title that has a lot of different connotations what made you think of the title in the first place um he was I actually you know as funny as I think I am and as witty and you know multi-dimensional humorous as I wish myself to be I really did not start out that way it was not who I’m going to come up with something provocative that people are going to buy because it’s just going to be so interesting it was really just thinking things through I thought well writing about the three types of love and my brain always goes into patterns into some sort of symbolism and I thought well okay circle that makes sense well triangle three triangle hey that’s cool three trial of wait we’ll love triangle well that really has a different connotation but there could be it I could change the paradigm that I can have instead of the olden – love triangle I can have the new love triangle and that’s how everything kind of started but I did put that in knowing full well that some people will look at it and say nope not interested in this book and some people will take a look and be surprised there’s a saying that everything in life is as it appears to be as it appears to be and there and there’s nothing in life that appears to be so you’re kind of playing with you know a traditional what is your take on the traditional love triangle or traditional balance to make things work and how you’ve turned it on its edge yeah well so those two different questions there but in terms of the traditional love triangle you know we’ve not that we’ve all experienced that but we’ve certainly all been exposed to it either through our friends or through movies that we’ve watched or through dreaming about some sort of a saucy thing to add to the relationship of course not in my relationship honey if you’re listening I’ve never ever now so it’s a to me it’s more interesting of why people want to do that and as I started kind of working with people from the coaching perspective and as I started really working with myself I understood why people would be interested in something like that and why it most of the time does not work so my idea on the traditional love triangle is if you’re searching for it there are some questions you need to ask yourself before you actually do that they have nothing to do with the triangle that everything to do with you and your relationship with yourself and then if you answer that question you still want to do it then your partner is in to it and go forth and enjoy in terms of changing the paradigm and focusing on the three types of love that I am referring to in the book for me it was somewhat of a lifesaver because my wife and I speak different love languages and I learned that and in order to deal with it I had to kind of start to learn how to love myself and that’s where the process started and then from there I went on and that actually you know starts with the first type of love that the new love triangle talks about hmm so Alan for those that don’t know can tell us a little bit about yourself I mean where are you originally from and well up to this point now in your life what’s been going yeah I am an immigrant I came to the United States at the age of fourteen and 1989 I am from a country that no longer exists it’s like the Atlantis it’s a it’s a mystery USSR scusa former country I am probably you framed part of it Russian is my native language and I came here with my parents so kind of seeking a better life so I’m the the traditional immigrant story driven to succeed parents bring me here because they wanted something better for me and it’s been somewhat of a crazy driving influence in my life oh I need to make something of this life because they sacrificed everything for me and you know I came here wanted to be a professional tennis player a actor both of which my parents said no get a real job which I tried to and I was a recruiter I thought about becoming a lawyer and I ended up in IT I had my first business did really well until September 11th then I had 300,000 of the personal debt that I had to pay down so I started another business paid that off made some money then finally in 2012 I said that’s it I can do this anymore because I was never really into IT I just loved being an entrepreneur and I needed to find myself that’s when I wrote my first book not this one I you know did a movie I finished second city you know got my black belt and started kind of doing things and exploring and understanding Who I am and what I choose to be and then of course got back into IT at some point because the money had to still come from somewhere and it’s it’s this flow it’s the ebb and flow of life where I know now Who I am and now it’s about figuring out how to translate that fully into a replacement of income rather than working an item so just real quick you mentioned you got your your black belt what art was that in it’s a kind of a combination the the official thing is in guca w you see a a it’s the world something of the combat arts but in essence it’s my my trainer is a former you know russian guy who was training Spetsnaz and the elite paramilitary people and he has his own style that combines all sorts of different techniques so think of it as mixed martial arts that are used by paramilitary forces which make me kind of afraid of myself as I’m saying that but in reality it means absolutely nothing is I look at it more as an honorary title of I’ve earned that almost getting my eye poked out with a knife and at some point I said okay that’s enough so I think it might like belt it’s that much that I have for myself and got you know willing I never get into a fight yeah imagine Sambo’s part of that training yes mam Bo it’s basically a combination of different styles of conclu that are you know very specifically in terms of instead of focusing on forms it’s very specific related to combat you can use some boxing there is some Sambo and Jiu Jitsu techniques one of the trainers that we worked with is a world champion many times world champion in Sambo he actually lives here as well in Chicago very very nice it kind of a gentle giant the guy who’s about I think he’s six four weighs about 350 if not more and we had to practice which was really really comical of how he pretended that we can actually throw him then help by moving a finger we would fly to the other end of the issue of the Ring oh that’s mine why myself I’m a blue girl and Brazilian jiu-jitsu so yeah yeah so I’m familiar with I know Campbell’s very close to jiu-jitsu very similar stuff so okay cool so with with uh with the belts I mean I would look at it as I mean what resonates with me is being a type a like I couldn’t stop at the white belt I have to go to yellow and through the whole thing and do the black belt so did you feel like your goal was met or did you foot what was your next wave in addition to getting your black belt it was not getting killed or injured in the process that’s really really cool was I you know it was more of an ego driven thing for me specifically uh well you know I as a man I need to know how to defend myself I need to know how to shoot the firearm and I need to know how to fight in case of an emergency situation and then once you start getting into the ring with people who are really serious about that you realize that it doesn’t matter what belt you are they’re going to kill you I remember specifically were one one gentleman came in who is a you know paramilitary guy you know served in places that he wasn’t allowed to talk about and one of our you know senior members was basically sparring with him and I was sitting really close and I basically looked at the eyes of that paramilitary member as he looked at one of my you know classmates and I wanted to run away literally looking at his eyes you know that it doesn’t matter what do it doesn’t matter how many of you are there you’re not going anywhere you’re you’re dead just in his eyes alone and it’s at that time why you know okay I am so happy I’m not doing this for real no I you know black belt to me was one of the things that my instructor said you know at this point you’re a black belt and that’s how I got it but I never thought that I actually deserve it but I do have it it has my name on it my son thinks it’s the coolest thing ever as getting some points from that knife so I have a question about a love triangle and 2017 I actually just left my I had watched I like this TV show called bull are you familiar with the TV show cool I just watched the latest episode this morning I love both perfect okay great so this kind of goes that’s where my question is going because if you talk about a love triangle you’re thinking about you know yourself and maybe two other people and in his case he had his own version of a love triangle in that he loved his job so much and unfortunately his his spouse had passed and he really devoted more time you would say he was unbalanced so much so that his nine-year-old daughter thought to get a divorce for him just because he wasn’t around or you work with people and trying to figure out the current love triangle that they’re going through trying to manage work and in personal time yeah a separate part of the practice excuse me and we’re talking bull and we’re talking by practice my practice is quite a bit different from dr. bull in terms of the working with people a lot of the issues that come up is the work-life balance and you know you you encounter a lot of people who are definitely overworked and they negate other parts of their lives because they’re very driven and I find that people in different ages either focus you know most of their efforts in their career and then you know try to make up for it during the week with their family or they’re having a hard time dealing with it a lot of women are kind of put in a in an environment where they are very focused on succeeding and they’re very focused on growing in the corporate ladder and dealing with all of the mail that kind of get in the way sometimes and I’ve certainly encountered that in my clients that it takes them away from the belt so it’s not just man is it’s really all across the board and then you have to deal with what is important to you and what what is the definition of enough and it’s not necessarily money it’s more respect it’s dealing with achievements and so what do you want out of life so getting to the very existential questions of what is life about and what you want out of it and then how to put things into perspective and a balance so it’s definitely not an easy profit and it really is almost irrelevant as to what anybody else has to say to them it has to come from within and at some point they realize that this is something that I need to change otherwise they will miss out on things that I care about more and when you have that that’s when you can actually get through and do something about it what do you think good boy one of the things foster that I want to ask you is in working with people and some of the you know suffering problems they have in their relationships and whatnot do you find that there’s some common things with in regards to you know people may be in their 20s as opposed to their 30s or 40s or 50s yeah yeah I certainly do and again a lot of the problems are more societal in a way that we’ve all grown up because we have certain expectations of where we’re going now we finish college this is we’re going to be doing and people get into that the into that mode and then all of a sudden they start realizing why am i doing it or I know I’m doing this but is this really what I want to do so people are asking themselves that question it’s not usually something that happens in the 20 although with with the generation that’s coming up now see it has been changing Millennials are asking a lot more of these questions earlier you know most of the people I’m 42 years old so most of the people that are kind of in my age group started asking themselves that questions you know 37 going up but when it comes to the relationship specifically we deal with the questions of being happy in a relationship and I’ve reached that point in my life where the 50% of people who are about to get divorced are getting divorce and in my circle so some people are married some people already got divorced some people are getting divorce right now and you’re starting to really appreciate why they’re doing that and a lot of it has to do with people just growing apart so then the questions are why are people growing apart so when you’re saying that you’re unhappy in a relationship what does that really mean have you dug deeper enough into it not that I can talk to my friends about it because at that point it doesn’t matter and they’re not at a level of emotional capacity to to really think those aspects through it’s more of I’m unhappy I need to get out so it’s it’s not that with the people that are closest to you you can actually save marriage at least I have not been able to but it’s more being supportive in that regard from the clients perspective you tend to get through a little more but it really all starts dealing with who are you what do you want out of life and if you cannot focus on yourself you’re going to search for those answers outside of yourself and usually that’s not a good idea well let me ask you this so I imagine most of the all your clients are here in the United States I imagine but around the world concepts of relationships aren’t all the same so I don’t know if you work with you know people outside of the country or if it’s just here but if you do I was just got you know what are your experiences because you might say oh you know people in this country they see relationships totally like this so your approach could be might be completely different as opposed to you know this country or somewhere else yeah it’s a very valid point in my in my practice in my experience I have worked with people outside of the United States but you know we can consider it more United States like because I work with english-speaking people so I have some clients from Australia you have some clients from Canada I have some clients from UK but I haven’t found too many differences in terms of relationship dynamic there you know being from another country and kind of growing up in the former Soviet Union now I have a lot of people in my you know suite of acquaintances there are in the same mode in terms of growing up as somewhere else and I come into the US and I don’t I don’t remember seeing the differences growing up there nor do I remember seeing them here there were differences but they were more specific to this time growing up and as then you know worse more men dominated as opposed to women dominated men worked women stayed the more at home or worked less in terms of the relationship dynamic things started shifting but I think it’s shifting at least from the people that I have dealt with it’s shifting for everybody that I have talked to and there’s a lot more of the actually empowerment of women that’s starting to come into play but I’ve seen that everywhere so I would say it’s more times rather than location now Alan with your year background and I T and you deal with relationships I have a two-part question what one was since you did see that the TV show bull last night or this morning you know in the gentlemen’s mind he felt that he had the top-of-the-line security system with cameras everywhere and that should be able to take care watch his daughter in case something happened right and obviously that didn’t work because there was an over reliance on technology gee so from an IT standpoint I do want to get your take on just the the relationship dance because in 2017 there is a greater reliance on the technology and online dating versus going out there traditional route and meeting people in person what’s your take on that so again two-part question let me address the first part though initially with the father in that particular episode he focused on the traditional male aspect of protection what you wanted to make sure that he was the provider and the protector of the of the little girl the nine-year-old who by the way is is like a carbon copy of my daughter’s a friend I was watching that thinking oh my god I need to call Kate right now because she has a sister apparently but in that way what he forgot the father forgot the actual relationship and he couldn’t bring himself up because there was the role that the mother played in there well the relationship aspect is why the daughter wanted to divorce herself son the father it was because she was not getting the actual relationship she wasn’t worried about the protection of it she just needed her father she literally needed somebody to be with her as bul discovered as in Reid in regards excuse me to the online dating I’m actually a huge fan of it because there are different people some people are much more social some people or not and as we are evolving with the technology it’s giving us a lot more reach and ability to get in touch with people because traditionally you know beforehand people were living in smaller communities and everybody knew each other so it was much easier to get to know someone and to understand whether you’re compatible because you’re always wrong and you’re growing up in that small community or your parents are friends and you meet that social function whereas right now that’s simply not the case but the technology and all of these sites are allowing people to take a different look now unfortunately you know a lot of it is not truthful so people on their profiles are not necessarily but when they do that interaction starts and then do meet in person so I’m a big proponent of utilizing technology if that is the way for you to discover somebody who you choose to date especially right now where unfortunately we’re not living in times that are you know wonderfully open and very trusting of strangers so ability to communicate with somebody online and then via no technological advances such as Skype or any other platforms you know FaceTime where you can see the person and speak to the person before you meet them allows people to get to know each other in a more comfortable setting before they meet this person so I have no problems there as long as people are being truthful otherwise it’s kind of a waste of everybody’s time in just a plain vanity okay did you see the movie her I have not remind me is this the movie where the AI was coming to life and he fell in love with his artificial intelligence yes yeah I’m familiar enough with the concept and I’ve obviously seen the previews but I have not seen the movie I certainly could understand how that could happen so I wouldn’t be surprised by that that’s why I wanted to ask you just I mean you don’t have to see the movie since you know the what it’s about I had just recently finished the book butterfly effect and and in the book they it wasn’t the movie you know that come out maybe I think ten years ago with Ashton Kutcher but in this book they had looked at since we’re talking relationships in the book they had talked about how the adult industry had pretty much changed the dynamic invading and they were looking at young late teenagers early 20-somethings and they were more so not even interested well not that they weren’t interested in their female counterparts but they were like you know what I get a better experience online or with dealing with an AI and you know as an older person I’m in my 40s so I’m just like wow what what are you see is the future propagating if there’s a greater reliance on technology um well I I may be maybe different in that regard but the older I get and the more I understand life the more I see that the life is is a combination of everything it’s an all-you-can-eat buffet you know you have the good the bad you have the ugly and the beautiful you have everything that’s available to you and it’s just a matter of our focus and concentration on a aspect of it so with technologies things are evolving more things are allowing people to experience and what they will get a chance to experience in this particular setting with an AI they it’s a much more safe environment because they know they’re not going to get turned down and with men you know we all remember growing up we remember how difficult it was for us to approach a young lady that we like and tell her that we liked her hoping not to get a rejection so in this case they know that they’re not going to get rejected so it’s a lot more convenient and comfortable that being said they’re missing a lot of the other aspects of that interaction so they will get there eventually where you know obviously some need they’re going to be met but there is no exchange and there’s no algorithm for human interaction so AI will approach it to a certain extent but it’s not going to happen or these people will not realize all of the wonderful intricacies of a human relationship so it’s just a part of our overall human experience I don’t think where some people definitely will take advantage of it other people won’t it’s like the men being afraid that with the you know so much sex toys being available out there that men are going to be replaced in terms of a sexual partner well it’s not happening what won’t happen as I think in one of the movies somebody said you can bring that to your mom and said this is what marry it’s a combination of things that we try but we’re always going to get back to what was actually meant to be which is actual human interaction between nod to people yeah I like what you said about algorithm for human error for human reaction and human interaction I thought that was a great Budds term and you had mentioned before earlier that when you see the the divorce rate or what have you at the rate that it is you said typically 37 and above and my take on that is prior to 37 there’s a I guess an old template like you said I’m going to go to school and then you know maybe go to grad school and I’m going to work and get a house and then get married and then a middle-management in my mid to late 30s and I’m like is this all life has to offer and it seems like I guess we need people like you as an expert to kind of use that algorithm for human interaction to take it to the next level because I think people don’t have a template actually you’re you’re absolutely correct except for the last part we do have a template and any experts worth their salt it can only do one thing which is to guide them back to themselves the template is there and once they start diving in and once they start asking themselves the hard questions that they don’t want to ask themselves and then starting to work with it then everything comes into focus and it becomes actually quite simple so that’s what I do I do not tell people what they should be doing my goal is to get them back in touch with themselves because they have the answers they know why they’re here by here I’m talking about in this particular lifetime and yes I believe in multiple eyes they know what they’re supposed to be doing what their life purpose is they know what works and doesn’t work in their relationship and they really intrinsically know why it doesn’t so my goal is to make them to realize that and not to decide if they choose to do something about it and then of course I have things can help them along the process but the idea is the same all the books all the experts everybody is leading you back to you you have the term the mechanism of spirit mind and body what exactly we mean by that so you know we’ve all heard the the Trinity theme you know the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit we’ve all heard that the you know the number three is of significance we’ve heard the body mind and spirit and what occurred to me in meditation one day is the you know I I tend to believe that the information came from somewhere that’s why I kind of wrote that article and I shared it but what occurred to me is that the issue with us is that we tend to forget that there are three main factors and we tend to just focus on the body we kind of not that we’re ever cut off but we kind of cut ourselves off and we just focus on that and that’s not how we were created now again I am this guy as well so I’m the IT woowoo guy whose spiritual who’s just as comfortable talking about angels and spirituality as he is talking about sports but in the you know if you humor me for a second the way that I see it is that there is the obviously a larger well obviously to me but yeah there is a larger spirit world and from which we come that encompasses our world and many of the other universes that we live in there is a soul if you wish to call it so the whole thing is the spirit there should be a direct communication between the soul through the mind which controls all of our mental and other abilities down to the actual body who executed so in pure grammatical you have the soul that or the spirit that chooses to accomplish certain tasks in the physical capacity and the information gets passed through the mind to the body when we only think of ourselves as the body that information is more difficult for us to discern so the whole goal of meditation or the whole goal of going into self is to remove the outside stem lay and to focus on the actual connection so you’re receiving the proper programmatic response so you are allowing in in a way you’re allowing your soul to do what it actually wants to do in a life so the connection the way that I see it is spirit down to mine down to body and when we are aligned and when people are saying that they have achieved enlightenment it’s when they have achieved that balance and that straight line of communication which always exists we just choose to believe that we are disconnected from it and I’m not listening to it and we get confused and we bounce around if we are not connected if we get them back to that connection everything is actually quite simple and that’s where we see the beautiful symmetry of life that’s what we see miraculous things that happen that we didn’t expect that we never tried to plan for they just happen and we’re wowed that’s what happened and that’s why it house so that’s the way that I see the world whether you choose to believe it or not well so so with the art of allowing from a relationship standpoint would you say that you know all relationships are great it’s just your perception on it and if it ends that was the lesson that you’re supposed to get in that relationship oh that’s that’s a loaded question okay more a loaded question should be okay so let’s let’s let’s get through it it’s very easy for us to jump out of something saying well we think it’s over right yeah with me we were in love and now we’re out of love and I believe that this is how I’m guided and I’m going to get out of that how do you know that you are as opposed to staying and working as opposed to the country of you keep on working working working you’re thinking that this is what you’re supposed to do and you’re guided towards it and really your relationship is over and that’s the question so there is no magic magic potion or spell that you can that you can employ that tell you exactly what’s happening because we are humans after all we have intuitive abilities but we do not tend to use them very often and when we use them we doubt ourselves very much through the process so in your original question how maybe it’s over because it’s supposed to be over I agree some things are that and let’s let’s remove the relationship because all of us have very specific things that we tend to focus on when we think of relationships think of just people in your life and you’re going to find that throughout your life you have people coming in and out you have friends that who you were best friends with at some point and then all of a sudden they’re out and it’s not really that you had a falling out or you hate each other now we just they came in and then they came out but then they came in at some point afterwards or you meet somebody and there is nothing happening and then five years down the road you meet them again and boom there is that spark it doesn’t have to be a romantic spark but it’s just part that you’re meant to do something together this is how things work we are all in our lives for a specific instance and relationships are no different now some relationships are meant to last a lifetime some relationships are not and it’s up to us to figure out whether this particular one is the long-term one or whether it’s not and be okay with that which ones are which ones are supposed to be long and which ones are not we keep on asking ourselves that question but if we continue to do that and if we continue to sit with ourselves and look as objectively as we can on it then we can start getting some of those hints of whether this is the long one or whether this is just the one that we’re supposed to let go and let the other person continue learning the lessons along the way I thought of that question because in the news and it’s been a couple of years now but they there was a big challenge if you will at a particular Church and what happened was people were guys and women were leaving their spouse because they were on Facebook reconnecting with like high school college sweethearts so it was more of like were they allowing or looking back at once what once was in hoping that the grass was greener um it’s possible right we we all have a special place in our hearts for the first love or the first infatuation or anything that we want to call it I think the process of reconnecting is fine but what you choose to do after that is a different question and the more important question to me is why right if I think most of the you know marriages are broken up because people don’t want to ask themselves the question of why am i unhappy and they think that the happiness comes from outside of themselves and when they start focusing on the outside and that outside is not being provided by their current partner they tend to believe that it could be provided by somebody else maybe it will be but not until you actually learn to love yourself and I mean that quite literally if you’re waiting for love to come from somebody else you’re behind the eight ball already you need to love yourself first not because egotistic but you need to love yourself first to allow and to understand how love from somebody else can actually be with you and not be reliant on it that way you’re not going to go and cheat on your spouse because you know those fifty percent that stay together how many of them are cheating there’s quite a large percent why do they do that right they don’t choose to break up their marriage for various reasons but they’re still unhappy so the question is what is driving them to that unhappiness and what can they do about it I choose to ask that question mmm that’s a good point I think he might have answered that was going to ask the question like me personally I’ve always have had to add it to that it’s my responsibility for my happiness not someone else’s so the question I was going to ask you is what you are they kind of coming to you in that mindset that someone else’s got to make me happy and why is that not you know working and I guess you kind of I guess answered that and said no it’s the other way around you got to make yourself happy first correct yeah yeah and you’re absolutely right and that realization kind of took a while coming to me and it never fully crystallized until my best friend started going through a divorce process and he told me I’m leaving because I’m not happy and whereas I couldn’t really get him to to ask himself the questions of why he’s unhappy I started asking myself the question off am I in my marriage because I love my wife or because she makes me happy and that was a very very powerful question to ask and going through a long time of analyzing and meditating and understanding what the relationship was and I got to the point of it’s not the other person who is supposed to make me happy like that it’s you who are is responsible for your own happiness and you are married to the other person hopefully because you love them not because you want them to make you happy and one sorry for interrupting but once you change that paradigm then your relationship changes completely for the time it reminds me of again I love that catchphrase that you had the algorithm for human interaction and I’d like for you to talk about the preface and the new love triangle because many people don’t have that algorithm in the preface if I remember correctly you are asking I guess upcoming clients or determining if there were going to be a good fit what did they love about their lives and then they mentioned everything but themselves I’d love for you to go into greater detail about that yeah it’s it’s one of the first questions you know what do you love about yourself and the the people are taken aback by that because apparently we’re not supposed to love ourselves and if it’s a boo topic well I’m not supposed to say that you know other people are supposed to love me but I can tell you what I have liked about myself and that’s a good starting point but it’s that part of people don’t believe that they’re supposed to love themselves and we are always taught that we’re supposed to love somebody else but people are forgetting the other part of that statement love someone else’s you love yourself and that last part we think as egotistical and we think as wrong to love yourself because then we start going from there into an equation of well if you’re loving yourself then you’re not focusing on somebody else and you cannot give to somebody else because you already are taking for yourself and you’re elevating yourself above others and you go in a completely different direction which is not what this is meant to be it’s meant to be a simple understanding and I’m going to use this example because they use that with my women clients as well so you know since we’re talking about triangles and relationships and inevitably view you’ve mentioned the adult topic so we’ll get to sex anyway when a woman is learning how to pleasure herself she really will not be able to do that with a partner because she needs to discover it on her own she needs to know what works for her and what doesn’t work for her and then communicate that to her partner but the loving herself in that regard comes first does that mean that she’s not going to be able to love another absolutely not that means that she’ll be able to be better at it and she’ll be a lot more receptive and she’ll understand that if she can learn how to love herself then she’ll be respectful of the other person learning to love themselves now I’m not equating love to sex it’s just a part of it but loving yourself is these first component so so that’s the part that we start with and no I don’t start all of my coaching with you know how are you doing in sex and have you pleasure yourself ly because it’s a different different concept but it’s basically to me love is acceptance love is acceptance is understanding and self-awareness and if somebody knows who they are knowing what they think their faults are but not dwelling on those and not hating themselves for it that’s starting to get to the love aspect and nothing was as powerful in my experience as my eight-year-old I have I have two kids a 13 year old daughter and a 8 year old son and my eight-year-old son recently came to me and said I hate myself and that was the hammer to my head I’m like whoa why you know why and he was talking about his appearance because you know he gained some weight because he was eating lots of macaroni and cheese and pizza and he became aware that you know he doesn’t have the sick stick anymore and he started saying I hate myself and how many parents and this is not to elevate myself in any way but just asking the question of how many parents at that point teach the children not to hate themselves but to love themselves many parents instead of just embracing and saying you’re perfect the way you are and all the other ones really get into depth of do not say ever to yourself that you hate yourself because that is the programming that will stay with you forever because you will utilize that in many many perspectives so I spent a long time with him making sure and you know reading my book you’ve seen that same statement you know don’t be your own harshest critic be your own best friend and your own best friends would never say anything about you being terrible or hating yourself so to me that was the most powerful and I’m so thankful that I had all of my prep of going through it with myself with my clients so when my eight year old came to me I was able to deal with it you’re ready yeah mmm that’s a really good point it reminds me of like you were saying that art of allowing and I know a lot of the Abraham Hawks see there’s in the bet that combat that conversation of being selfish versus selfless and and Abraham is like you we need to be more selfish and understanding more about ourselves so it’s kind of like and it’s we have so many distractions with electric with electronics and everything that it Dominican p-ting for our attention for every waking moment or you suggest because you did mention as an IT person I appreciate it as an IT person Ana of Lulu if you will you are taking that time out to at least meditate and enjoy the peace and quiet so you can have communication with the other realms that can see much more than we can how did you get to that realization for me it was it was a very very simple thing and an extremely difficult host same time and by the way I love that you keep mentioning Abraham Hicks I am a big fan as well so in terms of the simplicity of it so the way that I was programmed when I came here I started writing poetry very early poetry for me just you know as a disclaimer is something that’s rhyming so the poetry that I write is the rhyming only how not pooping any other poetry just that’s how I grew up so I started writing poetry very early on as early as age 7 and people were looking at it and saying this is not written by a seven-year-old and I learned you know later on that when I was writing I was really channeling and I was getting into a you know I think that for me is very very simple a state of receiving information and then allowing something going through your allowing as well allowing that information to flow onto paper and so for me channeling ability to communicate the kind of goal within was built in it’s a part of my DNA now the other part of my DNA is being extremely lazy so sitting myself down and forcing myself to meditate was very difficult for me because I had to overcome my own laziness of saying well I already do that every minute of every day I don’t need to do a special things in relay we we do now that doesn’t mean that we don’t meditate most of the day anyway because when you’re in the shower when you’re brushing your teeth if you are focused on inward communication you’re getting information if you are paying attention to information that’s flowing to you from every source you’re getting it anyway but sitting yourself down closing your eyes and removing the external stimuli stimulate excuse me in the allowing silence to be present really simplifies things and that’s why now Abraham Hicks talks about that as well the best times to meditate are in the morning when you are just awaking when you’re still kind of in that state where you’re connected and right before you go to sleep and if you follow sleep good so meditation is really important last part on allowance because you’ve mentioned that a couple of times so I wanted to say something to me allowing is very different from pushing so that’s the distinction that I make because to people when we’re explaining what allowing means it’s a difficult concept to grasp but it’s very easy to understand when you’re pushing for something first is allowing it to happen and then you get into the distinction of so that doesn’t mean that you sit on your hands is do nothing that just means that you’re continuing on your journey without your energy killing you in the because you were pushing so hard that you want so much that thing to happen that you’re actually blocking the flow allowance is allowing for the flow to remain and then being one with it so that to me is the allowance and I try to use that in anything that I do to you know certain degree of success as it comes I do remember that in the formative years especially you know going after the opposite sex there was a thing that you’re trying too hard right and you would never get the girl if you’re trying too hard yeah but it’s it’s perfectly it’s perfectly correct and the illustration of the continuation of that is that when you’re already in a relationship all of a sudden you become the hottest commodity same thing very job you can find one and as soon as you land one all three other places want you it’s the whole aspect of allowing it’s you’re not pushing and all of a sudden the flow is open and then those things start coming into your physical presence so it’s trying too hard they get getting back to my eight-year-old who has a girl that he likes and she has a crush on him apparently and he wants to have a date and he went to a store to buy her presents I’m like dude you’re going too far right this this little girl just after two years finally I gave you a hint that she likes you don’t do what I did when I was young don’t all the affection you know just allow things to happen naturally yeah exactly couldn’t agree more that’s funny the other things that you’re an Abraham fan and you’re talking about your son you know they also make note of our approach to something like you said pushing versus allowing our approaches somewhat backwards so if we want to stop drugs we shouldn’t have a war on drugs or these different wars we’re just because we’re spending so much attention on them they continue to permeate and maybe get worse in a lot of cases as opposed to promoting the opposite of it so instead of war instead of promoting promoting more love then we wouldn’t fight against war as much so to speak I agree and I’ll preface it that again in our physical reality at the level of at the level of emotional psychological and human intelligence that the world seems to be bad so it works for certain things and doesn’t work for other things but if you ask me I am a fan of legalization of drugs I am a fan of legalization of prostitution I am a fan of all of those things because I know people do that anyway and I would rather it be safe I would rather it not be something that we spent so much effort fighting because people who want to try it organic training and then some of them are going to try then that’s the biddin fruit is now going to seem so tasty after they’ve tried it and they’re going to go back other people are going to get lost into it and then you need somebody to help bring them out I am a son of allowing people to try things because it’s a part of our human condition that being said there are checks and balances that needs to be put in place because we’re not at a point in our human evolution or we can handle a lot of that freedom so it’s a difficult balance to match yeah I agree David had alluded to it a little bit earlier when he was talking about outside the Oh outside the US because it reminds me of going to Oktoberfest and when you go to Germany for Oktoberfest it’s only Americans that are passed out in the street if you’re trying to right they didn’t have the access that the Germans and all the Europeans that go there it’s not a big deal so I’ll have a beer and enjoy the fight as opposed to well I gotta go gravy oh it’s true it’s the same thing with you know with sexuality or nudity in movies you know when when I was immigrating from the USSR we actually went from from USSR to Austria and then from Austria to Italy and then from Italy finally to the earth and the first thing that I saw in Austria my apparent that I were walking through through a street we saw a beautiful beautiful scenery and you know a beautiful river and a family of you know a young family with kids I got completely undressed they were Newton swimming and I thought oh my God where I am I now there’s me that was a shock but to Europeans it’s it’s not a big deal you know nudity in movies is not a big deal we make it a big deal and we have a lot of you know sexual deviance that the get off on it but it’s really about your aspect of of understanding you know something that is a big deal of something that is prohibitive people are going to want to do it and you know we know that ourselves and we know that with the children you tell them not to do something they’re going to try to do that just because you told them that’s not okay so it’s it’s something that we have to be open to and remove the guardrail so to speak now again some people are going to try to take advantage of it and take advantage of those freedoms if we’re allowing them so it’s a balance that needs to be maintained but I am you know I’m certainly much more open to allowing people to experiment since you are familiar with the movie her we were talking a little bit about AI I do want to give you a recommendation if you haven’t seen it there’s a movie called Margery Prime are you familiar with that no I have not yeah it’s on Netflix ik it came out this year it’s really good it’s actually her came out in 2013 and this is more it just came out this year so it’s more of what’s the next phase and in the end the story you have grandma she’s you know eighty five plus years old her her husband at past 15 years prior and before you know she transitions she wants to spend some time with him and you would think she’d want to spend with some time with him while they’re the same age and that wasn’t the case she wanted to spend time with her husband when they first met because that was you know he was in his forties or 30s and so his AI was in the image of him as a 30 year old man and she would have a conversation with them and it kind of helped her in her later years because he continued to have a relationship and that she didn’t have otherwise you know her her son and her daughter can only meet some of her you know her demand that on a certain level they didn’t have that connection that she and her husband had so this is really interesting I think you’ll like it from from an IT tech not technology where is it going stand point was a little marjorie prime margarine prime okay it it should be on Netflix so we’re at the top of the hour Alan and it was great speaking with you but I do want to give you some time to talk about your book and I’m happy that you do have an audio book coming out for this because I’m more of an audio fan listen to everything in 2x so I’m looking forward to that and tell us your social media and how people can can get in touch with you thank you very much and by the way I guess I really enjoyed the the hour thank you so much for that um the easiest way to get in touch with me is going to the new love triangle calm just type in the name of the book which is the address of the site and all of the links are there if you forget it just type in Alain Vaes breaking Google there are only two of us one of the very nice lawyer in LA and I’m the other guy fantastic fantastic well guys you’ve been in to another you’ve been tuned to another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective this is Hamza and I am David and we definitely appreciate you coming on our podcast today Allen thank you so much well thank you great cheers Cheers thanks again for checking out another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homeless perspective podcast please check us out on our website at intrinsic motivation dot life where you can click on the speak pipe button and leave any suggestions for a future podcast that you like us to cover also check us out on our social media sites we have a YouTube channel Facebook page iTunes podcast in addition to stitcher and Google Play all under intrinsic motivation from a homeys perspective check you out next time have a great day you