What Do You Value Most In Life? EP. 35 – Arnie Fonseca, Jr Men’s Relationship Expert

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Video Transcript

welcome to intrinsic motivation from a homies perspective podcast where we meet experts from all walks of life to learn their intrinsic motivations so that they can share it with the world what do we have in store today stay tuned to find out more hey there everybody good morning good evening good afternoon wherever you are in podcast land this is intrinsic motivation from a homeys perspective I am hamza and i am david and today we are blessed with a men’s relationship expert I didn’t even know these guys existed when you hear about relationship experts usually RV I’m speaking for ourselves would think oh you know women getting together to overcome any challenges they have well this gentleman’s been working with men for over 25 years so he’s been working in all aspects of their lives dealing with any challenges from traumatic brain injuries spinal cord injuries dealing with men going through divorce and also devastating financial hardship amongst more he’s also worked with the Tony Robbins organization and Christian Mickelson and is a fellow podcaster he has his own podcast on iTunes called answers for real men I’d like to welcome Arnie Fonseca thanks Arnie hey Hobbs how you doin hey guys excuse me my brain just had am your partner there don’t it David yeah good god damn oh okay now your name is that is the song to your ears though David that’s important okay have you guys ever been in a situation where you were at a networking group and you’re you know you’re and you could remember somebody’s name oh yeah in your Doug dannion and you knew what they didn’t know your name right cuz they were dancing around it and everything and but it’s important you know a strategy that I’ve used is if somebody if I was supposed to meet with some and all of a sudden I had a little brain fog I would call somebody that I knew that know mr. hood and I in that way because it made such a difference if I entered the room and knew their name yeah yeah and and then I’ve gotten really confident about just walking so you know one more time could you give me your name and I would rather do that and sit there and squirm for 20 minutes trying to figure out their name variety minds me of a popular Seinfeld episode where he couldn’t remember the woman’s name and it’s a classic where I think her name was the loris and they thought her name was like vulva and all these other hi oh yeah it’s true it’s true and we get ourselves all twisted up trying to remember there’s that you know and I guess it was the memory guy I think it was he played pro basketball but he had he was amazed and he can he can remember I think Jerry Lucas yeah he could remember one thing I read in a book where he memorized the entire audience of Johnny Carson’s show he remembered everybody’s names wow that sounds I called the memory man yeah yeah there’s a few kids I can yeah yeah that sounds like photographic memory turned out anyway and the reason he did it calms it was because David was because he had he didn’t have a great memory so he just started working on this and yes so it is something you can in it’s like anything else the skill you could develop yeah okay so it’s an intentional for her to do that okay mmm yeah no no I think that one’s like a really good segue into what you do Arnie because you deal with a lot of people that are dealing with blocks and they may feel this is as far as I can go and you help them see beyond their limitation so how do you actually get into it No okay couple different ways first of all my back my original background is the teacher as a teacher and a coach before coaching was you know but it today I was an actual coach I coached football you know wrestling baseball whatever and and a teacher and some of the greatest relationships I had to this day are men that I coached gosh I’m only a couple years older than they are and I still it makes me feel good because I was able to impact their lives as a you know as a 19 20 21 year old young guy and but I was I was blessed to have had good coaches and teachers as well because you know that could have gone that could have gone off the deep end you know either way because a lot of guys get themselves in trouble so she has young teachers hanging out with with students like that and it it worked out I mean thank God I was I was able to tiptoe that line but so that was that was my first step in dealing with with relationships guys and I remember coaches back then I’m looking at a trophy right now that was given to me by one of my he was just a blessing in my life an older coach and he took a trophy an engraved hand engraved on it with a little crop it was kind of a joke a little cross that says that’s the Savior and I had this knack for going around these guys and and just put my arms around him and and helping him out I did I wasn’t like you know like today we’re you know you’re going in there and you’re trying to work people I just just wanted to help you know there are young students or there is high school and you know whatever it was whether it was a school challenge a relationship challenge and I think most of that everybody is just that most people just want someone to listen to them we all want to be we all want to be understood and we all want to be encouraged that’s it that’s what it comes down to I don’t care who you are I really don’t care who you are male feel met female young or old you know when I work with old people um all they want I mean I go around and I just say you know hi to them I work in a lot of retirement places in and out I’ll do some stuff in there and um and I think sometimes I just I know I’d only get two but but but just by going around and grabbing her hand and squeezing it and saying hi to them even if I’m walking by a wave Adam and you know that’s sometimes that’s enough it lets them know that you care yeah that I wasn’t yeah and that’s how you build relationships with people and it’s that it’s that easy if you know it’s as simple as holding the door open for somebody or using their name like we were talking about in the earlier like calling some anybody you know if you mentioned somebody by their name it lets them know this is old this is Dale Carnegie stuff it lets them know that you care about him Wow he knows my name I must be important yeah so that’s kind of how I started and then it kind of it kind of moved into I did graduate work at ASU here there’s no statements and on with older people that’s how I got into that field and did did some original research on strengths with older folks and that led me into speaking doing workshops retirement communities and I started working with different people with mean you can you name it I’ve done it Parkinson’s Alzheimer’s dementia hip hip replaces all kind of everything you can imagine I’ve done and and then it led that led to brain and spinal cord because I was actually moved on and was teeth lecturing at a community college here long time ago I’m not sure hold you guys are but but it was a long time ago and but but but working with brain and spinal cord injuries allowed me to to develop strategies with families and couples that were going through some horrific things and I don’t even know if I was ready for that guys but I just again maybe it was just God just putting the words in my mouth but sitting down with couples and helping them through and it wasn’t always successful I’m telling you that some of the hardest relationship work to do because you’re talking about people that have had their lives completely rocked you know start seeing mostly men who have lost the ability to be met in their mind and women who don’t know whether to hang on or not and how to hang on and what to say how to do it and because you’re dealing with men they’re very angry in with counselors that are telling them at that point when I first started that counselors were tell wives to leave they would tell wives to leave the relationship because they weren’t going to be able to handle it oh no no this is this this was very common and and it was just brutal I mean and the problem was a lot of these guys would develop relationships with their nurses in hospitals because in therapists because those are the ones that that knew them as they were today not as they were before as you know whether I was a construction worker or some other type of man that they were so they understood him whereas the wife even though you know for better for worse it was it was hard for her to understand it so so strategy I just you know and it was all about listening it was all about listening I’m not saying I was a great listener because that’s one of the skills I have to continue work on that’s why I like doing these interviews I like being on this end of it because even though the pot has the host I’ve really had to become very patient and become a better become a better listener but on this end of it it’s kind of fun because I get to do a lot of the talking so um but that’s how I started that’s how I started developing strategies and and it just kind of carried over guys into helping guys single guys divorce guys go through stuff and how to you know kind of work their way through that that that that mess given them hope you know and there’s two ways to look at hope to acronyms one is have only positive expectations and that’s nice the other one is hearing other people’s experiences and that gives us confidence sometimes to know that we’re not the only one going through this mess I know when I first started studying men I was in a group and I’d really had a really bad year it was like 2009 I think I mean both my parents have passed away and it my business was tanking it was just a mess and I walked into a room of about 75 guys and it was I mean I did not want to be here it was at my church I had did not want to be in this room and all of a sudden everybody started talking and telling stories and I go holy crap I’m not the only screwed up guy in here you know cause like what this is kind of neat you know next our that started a long journey and learning more about myself and then and and it’s really been probably the best thing that I ever did besides just doing a lot of reading on human behavior psychology and you know working with you know the Robbins people and their and their approach probably has been the best thing because their approach has been more of a holistic approach to problems solving problems wherever they are were some people they niche themselves down so tight that they don’t become very good at you know a broader variety in it and and there’s to school to schools on that you know you become the expert like the brain surgeon you know we can’t tie your shoes or you become the generalist in everybody’s problems but you’re not very good at any of them but I think if you spend enough time at it you care all people want is results so if I can help people get to the right people that’s it that’s that solving their problem if I can you know for whatever you guys do I mean I mean the fact that you guys are doing a show like this helps me out because the more people that hear it and know that there are ways that men can get better at or get access to information it helps everybody out because there’s a lot you wouldn’t look tat there’s my three billion men in the on the planet and it’s not getting any better heck I was talking to a guy in Australia I don’t know I’m not sure if I told you this hunger and he’s doing he’s starting a podcast at the end of the month he’s just doing interviews right now of mainly construction workers and got oil rig guys you know heavy-duty labor guy down in Australia that are going through anxiety and depression and suicide that’s his big thing depression and suicide and it’s just it’s never-ending Wow no that’s the whole thing listen I get help I can even I don’t know offender can you imagine doing a show like that me I need I need like I need some I need some some some life man I got to have some energy because men I don’t know that would be like one lie can tell stories all day long I have you ever heard of the story of the two psychologists or two psychiatrists they go they go to work in the morning and we’re in their nice suits and everything got the briefcase they go in their office at the end of the day the one guy walks out you know straightens his hide a little bit grabs his briefcase walks out going he’s going to go meet his girlfriend or wife for dinner and he looks you know he’s dressed to the nines man look the other guy walked out his hair’s messy his ties undone his shirts his shirts sleeves are rolled up and kind of wrinkled and there’s papers all over the place when I was on his desk what’s the difference between those two guys go for it what one listened one did that’s going to take a lot of energy to listen to other people’s stuff man yeah yeah it will wear you out the cool thing and then David and my training we learned separately but we learned about personal space and personal energy and having and respecting others space and energy and that way if we do readings or conversations or listening it’s more of thank you for sharing this is what you’re dealing with our session has ended and we were not carrying that on with us for the rest of the day right no and that’s important I mean that’s that’s again it goes back to my as a coach it goes back to my saying my tell people look I can solve your problems all day long because they’re not emotional to me you know whereas my stuff is heavy and it it it you know weighs on my heart and so when I sat down with a very successful man the other night with his 18 year old daughter you know at the kitchen table and in this guy they’re really tough cookie I mean a he’s tough and his 18 year old daughter was just sitting there broken at the table I mean her spirit you know crying and and I know it affected him you know no one’s do their daughter like that but I was able to you know you know I wouldn’t sit there crying with her I mean in with him but I was able because not my daughter I cared about him I loved him he’s a great guy I’ve known him for long but you know the by being by not being emotionally attached to it we can help people just like you guys you know you know if we carried around our stories all day long that we hear from people man we’d be a we’d be a master that would be able to we’d need help man we had a conversation briefly offline Arnie and you had a position on the ongoing opioid epidemic that’s Helen across the country I’d love for you to share your your two cents on that yeah I really and I think I shared with you that in society today you know especially with men and it started with the when the economy went down about nine years ago and this is really sad that it’s taken this long and it just been ongoing but when you had we had tons and tons of men in their late 40s early 50s that got laid off and had careers and we’re told to go back and get more training or do change jobs and it was just it was just horrific and so what we’re finding now is that three things people respond three things – when life slams them like that they the first way is they complain and blame and and there’s a lot of that I would say that most that’s the way they respond or react they complain and they blame other people for their situation and I and I try to tell them there’s two other things they have two other choices they can make one of them is they can change thing they can go back to school you know it’s never too late they can you know learn learn new skills they can they can get another career they can read books I mean you can go online and learn things start a business if you have an idea there’s a great new book out called side hustle but if it’s with them with a great podcast a name is Chris Jilla brewing and god I love listening to it’s little short little podcast and it gives you great ideas and what people are doing and there’s so many things we can do today if we are open to it so we can change if we want the third thing which is what I suggest people do is change your freaking rules you know we get up every day think and then we have to have ten things or twenty things have to go our way for us to have a good day and that doesn’t happen so you have to change your your rules and I do what’s called a crazy eight guys and because men will stay at men men will it’s a it’s the you know the crazy eight the infinity symbol so it’s a side you know sideways eight and men will enter on one side which I call anger and then on the other side is depression so but men will enter on anger women will enter it on depression sadness so but you can only be angry so long and so you start to you start to get tired and you slide into depression until you gain your energy back and then you once you gained your energy back you get pissed off again and that cycle goes on and on in a lot in a lot of places they’ll call that bipolar because I’m not a big fan of labels I do know that probably about 10% of the population has a chemical imbalance in the brain and people argue with me all the time and I say that’s fine but they don’t go on and have they don’t know they’re guessing because it sounds good I mean it gives them excuse another excuse to to take pills and whatever which I’m going to talk about is Dutton here but so I’m not a big believer in labels but I do believe that people go from anger and depression back and forth which you can call that anything you want and most will call it bipolar but there’s two ways out of that mess that krazy-8 the way most people get out guys is they they escape through the bottom which is through they numb their way out through alcohol drugs terrible behavior I just listen to a great podcast yesterday on sexual addiction and because obviously affects mostly men and and for them it’s an interesting thing because most people will think like a high V Harvey Weinstein guys a section he’s not a sexual addict he’s here power attic you know he’s not he’s not an addict you know that’s that’s that’s what he used because he’s not stupid so that’s what he used to try to get out of this thing most guys would get caught they call themselves addicts that’s bullshit excuse my French that’s an except that that’s an escape these they’re just fetches power you know and so so what so they numb their way out well they’re now you value now all of a sudden you go to the doctor and you know you got pain or back pain or whatever and they’re going to give you whatever you want for this situation and just like the whole medical marijuana thing guys you know and I’ll and I’ll finish I’ll go back to the opioid thing in just second but the medical marijuana thing and I I will never deny an eighty-year-old or anybody that’s suffering from cancer or from some type of debilitating injury that the medical marijuana could could be a benefit to them good god that no way but the problem is that 92% of all medical marijuana cards are given to 18 to 34 year old males with indiscriminate pain then you tell me what’s going on okay that’s a joke and we’re doing it because it’s money it’s easy money easy choices hard life so so what happens then then is you have these guys that are going through all this stuff in their life and I got my hands up my one hand is up above the other one there’s a gap so that the top hand is what we expected in life you know we expected to have a good job to find that a good-looking lady get married have a couple kids and life is good right problem is our life circumstances that’s my bottom hand life circumstances where we’re all at and we’ve all gone through stuck you know and it just didn’t work out no maybe we will that’s a nice girl but you know she didn’t turn out to be nice and we got divorced or you know the kids ended up you know having problems and you know they didn’t want to go to college they didn’t want to listen to you and you don’t have a great relationship with them and you know the job didn’t work out well you got laid off and like there’s no you got a gap so now you’re looking at your life which is your life circumstance and your ending and you and your dream and about where you want it to be and you’re 50 years old and life sucks you know what happens at that point you suffer because if you can’t make any movement to close that gap you start to suffer and that’s what we’re running into and there was a great article written I think it was in March of this year I can’t remember the exact journal but it really laid this out beautifully and in big cut and that was all related to the opioid epidemic and he had a lot of men that were suffering you know my dad my dad suffered back in 1980 I want to say and has a 20 21 year old guy I was coaching just started you know and my dad tried to commit suicide here was this 45 year old you know murex former Marine father of three married not a great marriage all adult children at the time and but you know he was suffering you know he was he was never diagnosed as an alcoholic but and I don’t know if he was or not because he was able to quit pretty quick on his own but he had you know there was always I was talked to me recently there was always cases of beer just stacked against the wall on my house and I never and I wasn’t a drinker you know I could have taken that guy whenever he thought about me because I didn’t want to get killed by him but um but but one day I get a call and he was at the VA hospital which is right near the school I was teaching at and I went in there as a big you know strong you know a lot twice the size as I am today and and there he was in bed some big nurse came at me and my dad goes no leave Malone and I just laid into him I was just pissed but I think I was more angry guys because he was embarrassing me that wasn’t that was my own you know ego and but but but the question I had to ask you know some thirty years forty year almost four years later is what kind of pain would must that man have been in to have done that yeah you know like who was it Chris is it Chris Bennington with the Soundgarden and now and just recently and then you had another guy with I can’t remember I talked about him all time but um you know they recently committed suicide and they had you know they had all they had what whatever they wanted you know rot would call Rockstar happiness you know but think of the pain he must have been in to to do that and he was on opioids back then for injuries and construction and stuff like that so he’s taking that’s the stuff he tried to take he just didn’t know how to do it or he would he would have done it because most men when they want to commit suicide they do it women are the ones are the dramatic ones and then they failed more times when they succeed mindo I know men polled if men pull the trigger they pull the trigger so it’s just they suffer and that’s the whole that’s a big part of the opioid epidemic today because these doctors because of the system that we’ve created here they’re not going to done deny people medication out what they’re trying to stop is all the dot doctor shopping stuff which is a problem but if somebody comes in and complains of pain you can’t measure pain guys so if someone comes in and says their back hurts or their knee hurts or got a headache they’re going to get a prescription and they know it now they’re going to get limited numbers of pills they’re going to do the best they can to get as many as they can and once you’re on that stuff it’s pretty addicting there you go that’s that’s Dutch that’s where we’re at so we’ve got a problem and and if you can’t get enough guess what you’re going to do you’re going to go on the street aren’t you mm-hmm yeah I’ve got a great guy who’s on my podcast and this young guy is only in his mid to late 20s now but he was a heroin addict and up in Massachusetts and his thing now is and he’s got his life back together his wife hung in there with him and he his whole thing is called it he calls him sober addicts and he goes around and he’s trying to create gyms where these guys can go for free and work out because his thing is you can exercise your way out of this thing and it’s a bit is a component it’s the it’s the three legged stool and being physical is one of the leg you know the mental and emotional components are the other legs and then your faith is the seat because you got to trust that your legs are strong see and if you don’t have any faith you’re never going to sit on chair anyways but if you if you strengthen it but if but if if you can go to the gym all you want and exercise your heart out but if your mental and your emotional muscles aren’t very strong it’s going to be awful hard to sit on that one leg of that stool isn’t it yeah yeah that’s not where we’re after and we and we really don’t have any answers to this we can shut down the which is good would you shut down the drug from coming in accesses is one way but we’ve got to got to close the gap guys and that’s what these podcasts are about that’s what my podcast answers from real men is about you know because I talk to guys all the time they’re just in pain emotional mental and emotional pain and they’re going to look for a way to numb that they don’t find ways to change their rules you know because you know that’s just human nature we’re going to we’re going to try to find a way to numb that pain yeah especially I guess you know as men we’re supposed to be you know big and strong and unemotional and also you know hope you know hold it down and yeah and doesn’t always I guess should just have been a lot of permission for me won’t say hey I’m going through some stuff here and I need some help yeah who do you talk to David I mean who do you go to talk to you mean you know my day when you know you go to maybe your church but I couldn’t talk to my dad and get on with him you know but I went I had coaches and teachers that I could my one coach was still my coach he’s 75 years old and he’s going through his own stuff now and I I talked to him more than he talked to me now because you know he’s struggling you know his wife passed away he’s got a 50 some year old son that you know screwed up and and here’s this big strong guy now that we all looked up to and he struggles man but he doesn’t have anybody to talk to it’s tough I mean we don’t you know we haven’t set up our society that way you know the guy you’re exactly right David we’ve the men are the ones that we’re supposed to solve all the problems take care of it be the tough guy and you know it’s interesting I just have you seen the latest movie of girls night with a girls night out or girls cut who was in it Latifah Queen Latifah yeah Jada Pinkett and Nene oh yeah you see that movie I have not seen I know what you’re talking about but I have nothing you need to watch that movie I watched that movie last night was it was very enjoyable but you know what it made that guy in that movie out to be one big a hole and at you know the way in it it way it ended great because that’s the way it should have handed but you know what that’s what’s going on in society right now with men and I think I shared this with Hans of when we did a talked before we obviously go do this but I did a radio show here in Phoenix in June with a because I it’s a political show and the guy wanted me on to talk about men’s issues because of what we’re talking about right now and there was a survey that they had done to a friend of his who’s in Hollywood and in night in the early 60s there where I think he said either 47 or 48 examples of strong men in movies and TV you know movies today they counted three three okay then here and here was a guy last night he you know former professional athlete he was a sharp business guy and he was her excuse he was married to the the lady that was in delgo she was you know she was married they were married but he was screwing around on and just in and just turned into be a big pile of mush and then because she because you know when you watch the movie because she stood up as a strong woman and stood up to him everybody loved her she got the big contract he got kicked to the curb and the movie was over and everybody was happy and I looked at my wife I go look at that there’s another example of just a guy turn into a big bag of you-know-what and everything and everybody gets there and everybody gets to watch that and go uh-huh that’s just the way it is and we get enough guys have to go through one more time and so how do we do it but if you don’t have that strong core and know how to be a strong man or to be had and or know when it’s appropriate to be gentle and kind you struggle man because society is telling you that you’re a wimp or you know and if you raise your voice or this and that that the you know that you’re some kind of a psycho so you’re confused as hell mass confusion out there and then throw on top of that guy’s 50% fatherless homes you’ve got yourself a problem yeah I like the feelings in books and movies where the primary themes for Hollywood is man versus man that man versus machine and man versus nature and as you’re talking about that movie it made me think of two TV shows that are out right now that address these issues one would be Kevin almost saves the world and I don’t know are you familiar with that show no no go ahead so it’s I think it’s on ABC but anyway he was a Wall Street trader or something like that and put the marry this girl and didn’t work and so he tried to commit suicide and then he wound up going back to his hometown and you know they have high jinks and on to other stuff to kind of million light which is interesting and then the other one is a mr. robot are you familiar with that oh you know I’ve heard that but go ahead you know I watch so little TV anymore but go ahead sure I think you’d appreciate mr. robot especially the the most recent episode that happened this week this this guy you know it’s more of a technological thriller and you know it’s one of the is the government or you know society taking over us and here you have this guy his dad his or the community you have people die of cancer because of Big Pharma you know putting stuff in one and whatever and so anyway he thought he develops a split personality and now like well who’s who yeah I’m seeing right now I own it just like you know and it’s so hard you know it’s funny last night my wife and I were watching late last night we were watching the young guns you know and you had you know the you know Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen and just these young kids now just watching that as you know Jack Palance was in there and it was so easy back then you know that was that was just 30 years ago guys it was so easy back when I was a kid guys I’m being really honest with you here when you flipped on the TV there wasn’t any confusion as to who was a good guy who was a bad guy who was a man and who was a woman and it was pretty cut-and-dry we had any and you know it I’ll be really honest with you when I was a kid I remember when my dad left for the first time you know walked out on my mom I was like I was devastated like you don’t do that you know I think with the late sixties or you just didn’t do that back then it was like you know it was more like embarrassment man my friends find out about this I’m one of those to say see because that’s just the way it was you just hung in there I’m not saying that’s good but you had a role model of of men whether it if it wasn’t my dad it was somebody else you know one of my coaches dad that was you know married for 40 years to the same woman had you know had the three kids the nice house and the pickup truck and so now you don’t know you know looking they don’t there’s not they don’t have role models and stuff like that so unless they have Mentors which we need we need got like good men like us with whether it’s through a podcast or some way you know and your hand you’re jumping in there and you’re coaching or you’re you know you’re volunteering you know boy I tell you what they’re gonna find it and you know one of the things I learned from the robbers folks is you know you’re sick human needs and when you join a group of guys or a gang call what you want they’re going to meet four of your fundamental needs which are love certainty significance and variety you meet three out of those four things guys you create an addiction if some if you do something that meets your need for certainty for excitement for for feeling important significance and even love which is the connection of connection which is the group you will be addicted to whatever it is and I guarantee it that that’s what heroin brings to people because not only is it physically addicting but it gives you you know it gives you excitement it gives you it gives you significance look at me I’m I’m a heroin addict man and believe it or not doing that that brings in the prestige in their community and you know there might even yeah I mean there’s that’s how these things work and so you make three out of those four fundamental needs for anybody across the planet whatever behavior that is whether it’s pornography whether it’s it doesn’t matter it’s an addiction and until you can get past that into what we call the essential needs with to our growth and contributing beyond our self because if we’re not growing as men were dying you know if we’re not reading studying you know making ourselves better each and every day doing something you know to be to be better physically mentally emotionally and spiritually we’re dying and if we’re not contributing beyond ourselves and that’s and that you can’t contribute beyond Hamzah or David until you love Homs and David if you can look in the mirror and say I love you and why you love yourself and say I love I love myself because I’m a great-looking guy I’m a hard worker I’m a loving father I’m a I’m a committed loving you know partner in my relationship you know I’m a great whatever if you can’t do that it’s going to be really hard for you to contribute to another human being you know it can in a significant way I mean you can get up you can get out there and volunteer and help people that’s great and I think that’s a great way to get over yourself because we’re not that important you know but until you can really love yourself it’s going to be very difficult for you to pour yourself into another person’s life using that example of the the young lady I was working with the other night I asked her I said can you look in the mirror and say I love you and she her head was down crying she goes that’s going to be really hard and to me it broke my heart because I’m thinking like this lady a very wealthy young lady because of her dad she has everything she wants guys in life beautiful has a beautiful car caught you know wherever she wants to go to school she can go to school it’s all paid for and she can’t look in the mirror and say I love you yeah how sad is that right mm-hmm yeah let me back up for a second go ahead glad so you were talking about because I really want to get your opinion on this you’re talking a little bit about first let me cosign for you I heard the side hustle author on the James Altucher Sara on pump on iTunes uh-huh definitely great but I did want to ask you about power addiction because it what we see right now in the media especially if you said 50% of households are growing up without a male in the house yeah a lot of people are looking at entertainment the girl right and so the three themes that are being addressed in what FDA 2017 with this power addiction is an additional man / woman like a hearty wine bean you’re seeing like a man on man like Kevin Spacey a man on child pedophilia with like Corey Feldman and everything up going that so yeah everything’s getting blown into the open as far as awareness and anyone to get your take on on this current environment yeah I think it is it I think it is power I don’t think it’s addiction addiction is something like let’s let the clock bus director if I have if I’m watching pornography guys and I feel bad about it when I’m done I’m going to say now I must stop this stupid you know I’m in a relation I’m in a committed relationship and I’m over here looking at porn and stuff and and and I’m gonna stop you know I don’t feel good about it get it and you can’t you go back to it again and you know that’s an addiction okay good addiction when you can watch porn I know guys who do they can watch porn I don’t feel anything okay that’s just this could do what they want okay so a Harvey Weinstein he’s not a dick he cried if he was a sexual addict he wouldn’t be treating women the way there he he he’s a power he’s on a power trip man okay you know he doesn’t he knows what he’s doing it’s strategic when he’s bringing somebody up to his room or even a Bill Cosby he was a sexual addict it was power he knew what he was doing maybe if he was at sexual act and he could stop get it he would feel bad about it there would be a lot of remorse about it have you heard one bitter remorse out of Harvey Weinstein mouth hey Keith oh he’s in Arizona here going to rehab jerk it’s screwing around going to wreck their kick there find him at restaurants you know you know I work in the rehab community out here you don’t do that okay you know why he’s doing that because he can cuz you know he tells the person at the front door I’ll be back see he’s not an addict but it looks good he’s trying to create a movie for tease a movie guy he’s going to create his own movie isn’t he not stupid and so the whole thing with these other guys Kevin Spacey it’s the same thing it’s power if they were addict they wouldn’t be able to stop it would they would and they would feel remorse about it the only thing they’re feeling remorse about now they got caught and so but there are legitimate you know sexual addictions out there and you know it’s like just like a drug addiction I mean or alcohol I mean they can’t stop they want to but it can with it’s cigarettes or and so right now it’s power and remember now for the older guys you know men it’s for whatever started him on that trip you know he got he got reinforced every time he was able to get a young lady to forgive him sex you know to get for her to get a job to you about love it that’s pretty cool I had a client of mine he was a very very successful urologist many years ago and his dad was a Hollywood producer director and he’ll it he went to what was that remember that the TV series in the eighties and nineties I’m at nine nine oh two one oh yeah yeah yeah well he went to that I still had that High School Beverly Hills High School and he would tell me how because I met his dad and he would tell me because they got divorced I loved and loved his mom it’s a great lady but um and he would tell me goes yeah that’s that’s what dad did you know you know the old you know you’ve heard the old story the directors couch I was real I was real that’s power half power dinging yeah it’s a power addiction you know hey I’ll give you this but you got to do this for me that’s called horse trading guys that’s what most relationships turn into relationships in the 60s and 70s turned into horse trading for women because women figured out I can get money if I marry this guy I’ll get love when I have kids because kids will give me unconditional love except they screwed up because when your kids grow older they meet other people and guess what you’re not number one on the list anymore their wife or their husband are and the problem is then you create another problem because women can’t cut loose etre of their apron strings and then they then they then they create horrific situations in these marriages this is all over the place because they didn’t marry for love they married for money or for power for whatever else okay they horse traded I’ll give you I’ll give you sex if you give me this that that there’s no passion in those kind of relationships those want to think things I teach them and when I’m with relationship building you’ve got to create passion in there and passion comes with risk for a Kevin Spacey there’s no risk the only risk was getting caught and that that was that created probably low excitement for him but he could tell somebody hey look I’ll help you but you got to do this okay you know it’ll convince that’s power Bill Cosby did the same thing and then he drugged him he just got to a point where he was you know doing goofy stuff but um but hoes power and Harvey Wi-Fi was did you know he was the ultimate because you know he was a kingmaker you know or queen maker so you know that’s what we’re dealing with right now it’s just getting exposed and it’s probably I mean it’s going to how far it goes I don’t know how far do these guys want to go guys and there’s a lot of money involved here I don’t think they’re going to take it you think they’re going to take down the kingdom come on see you that’s beyond I don’t think they are look look at these look at these politicians these guys are psychotics they got a bit they’re going to tell you and I had to live our lives and they got a slush fund pays for all their freakin goofballs I want to know who got into that thing there right right will you’re seeing they’re gonna tell them me and you they’re going to tell me you how to live our lives I agree wrong but to do see prosecution at least or at the talk of prosecution on entertainment you don’t hear that on the politician side yeah because yeah of course not yeah you’re gonna you’re gonna yeah they’re gonna they’re going to let go I guess they’re going to have sacrificial lambs wherever they want I just don’t know how far how far is it going to go I don’t know I don’t know yeah I mean it’s a great question but but here’s the point the point of all this I really don’t care about any of those folks may I love everybody I’m not going to judge them but I don’t like I said earlier I don’t watch TV anymore I don’t listen to a lot of these political shows because they all drive me crazy but you know what I feel bad about the young man and the young women are watching this nonsense and they’re learning from that yeah facts that’s that breaks my heart so let’s talk about you know you’re saying in life no one lives a linear life so we have an ideal of what happens and you’re dealing a lot of guys obviously don’t see that so when you meet with them what are the three critical steps to overcome a lot of the opticals that the guys are facing well we start the first thing we do is you find out what they want that’s step number one what do you want step them in it and they got to be honest because I said don’t give me a Church answer the church answer is the feel-good answer you know I got to get I get and that takes trust on a my that I got to get down in there and find out what they want and then the next step is it generally comes like I said earlier they got to love themselves self-esteem they go they got to be able to love themselves and we do a lot itself we’re going to do a lot of work in that area to get that going first so they’ve got to have a great relationship with themselves okay and that and then from there we we learn about other people we learn about personalities we learn about I’m big on love languages I had a business guide helping right now and I was talking to him about love languages in business he goes Barney because I love the fact that you’re sharing with me about love language and business skills I never thought you could I go of course I go who would you rather do business with somebody you care about or somebody you don’t oh yeah well sure so if I’m talking to you in a way that makes you feel good and but then that’s the whole idea and so so we have to learn we have to we have to know what we want we have to learn about ourselves and then we have to learn about other people because that’s the key to either getting a better job improving your work environment improving your relationship getting into a relationship you know I do this whole thing on and this guy was telling me about it because I learned this as well through to Robbins many years ago about finding that ideal partner and what he learned he shit he kind of left out some keep components of it so it’s like the old adage sometimes if you give somebody a weapon and don’t teach them how to use it it’s it’s pretty dangerous and that’s kind of what this guy was going through because in a relationship you have to really know what you want and I mean it you have to know in detail what you want and then you have to know who you need to become and that’s where all this comes into play here so you guys know what you want then you need to know the changes that you need to make in your own self your own life in order to attract this person this job this thing okay and then you have to have non-negotiables what were you not put up with in your life what were you not put up with in a relationship what will not put up with in a job you know what will you not put up with in any situation your life your non-negotiable good but a lot of people don’t have those and they put up with all kind of you know what and they stick and they stick it out and that’s not what this is about you know we don’t we’re not supposed to endure everything in life okay and then you got to know where do you find these things where do you find this person where do you find this job where do you find this whatever we’re looking for so it’s so I I follow that the same strategy guys for just about everybody that I work with but it starts with loving yourself then the next step is what do you want and then it’s how do we get there how do we get there what tools we need we need do we need to learn more about our personality and love language do we need to learn about you know anything whether it’s a physical thing losing weight whether it’s an injury anything it doesn’t matter that this I fall pretty much the same solution pattern to get to the results because we we want results and if it requires change change is hard if they have a thing written on my board here in my office about how hard it is to change and if they’re willing to go through change because I can’t make them change this change is like a changes is brutally hard and it takes it literally takes about three months to change you can’t just change twenty-one days like like Stephen Covey said but it but if you google change it says 66 days so I say three months for there to be a real change because you got to go through stages of change to change you know it’s like a rut you go you get it’s like launching a rocket ship to even want to change it takes so much energy to change and then and then you got to deal with chaos in your life and most people don’t want to deal with chaos because once you start the change process guys I guarantee you what their life will be utter chaos for a matter of weeks okay and that’s where they need coaching and and good friends and a good environment around them or the change process will be too burdensome they’ll quit most people quit going to the gym after about a month because it’s too much pain it’s too much you know stuff going on you know dirty clothes the screwed up schedule you know changing their diet I mean that’s why if you’ve got to be careful doing too many things at once and there’s so much chaos going on it’s too much they get overwhelmed and that goes back to the whole Tony Robbins thing with what I call variety excitement in life if there’s too much of anything then you get over you have too much excitement in your life too much change in your life it’s overwhelm you get overwhelmed and they quit so if you can make it through meth and chaos then you can start learning the new behaviors that we need to to move on with our lives you know whether it be a new relationship a new job anything and you can as you as I’m saying this you’re probably thinking things in your life that you’ve gone through this process those of us that have been successful have been able to to endure this stuff and pretty soon then you have everything becomes automatic you know you become like Michael Jordan playing basketball you know if you shoot enough free-throws and you do enough moves pretty soon in the ballgame everything’s automatic and there’s a great new book up guy wants me to get and I wrote it down yesterday I turn into it’s called the rise of Superman have you heard of that I have not yeah I need to the rise of Superman I don’t even know who wrote it but I’m going to look it up him to order he goes already you got to get this book and so the rise of Superman so it’s about you know I think it’s about strong powerful people and how they were able to get where they got kind of thing and but we’ve all go we’ve all gone through this process and that’s how we got to where we are today that’s why we’re talking on the phone right now but a lot of people that couldn’t make it through that process guys they get washed out and you know one of the things I do twice a month I’ll go do it tomorrow morning I’ll go feed the homeless and it may it breaks my heart and I do it for me but when I go over there every day I Drive through this area of town here and it looks like a warzone guys looks like an absolute war so it just breaks my heart again and I go in there and I serve for a couple hours and and I see guys in there and I go man because could a word of encouragement what what what got him here you know what God and then we all go through our own head man I man I’ve been one step from being there you know kind of thing and you know and but what got him there what what what turned it was drugs was it alcohol was it a bad relationship was it an injury you know what got him here and because I’ve talked to people that have gotten out of there one of them is the lady that runs the dining room she was you know earning a year ago I was right there I’d ride to work every morning I see the same people that I used to hang out with sitting right there hey yeah so I hope that answers all day guys I hope that answered a question is you know what do you what do you want you know and you got it you have you got to love yourself and then you got it then you just got to start to process got it start to project I appreciate people like you Arnie I mean because here you’re definitely an advocate especially you know for everyone’s health right but specifically on single men also I do want to mention that you and I talked about that’s probably why women live a lot longer because they’re addressing some of these things and men aren’t having that outlet and unfortunately leave others a lot sooner than their counterparts yeah true we don’t we don’t talk and even though there’s more it seems like it’s more accessible but it’s funny even when I talk to men all the time now they still don’t think there’s access to this stuff and which is too bad we it just tells me we’re you know we’ve got a lot of work to do and society is not doing a good job of letting men know that it’s okay to talk to people we still have to kind of hide it you know and it’s okay to feel bad you know there’s not something wrong with you if you feel bad there’s not something wrong TV cry and I cry with guys all the time guys you guys I mean I do i I I get right I get I jump down in the pit man I get right in the pit with them and I let them know there’s a picture of my office I let them know that there’s a I know I acknowledge the fact that there’s a big ugly dragon sitting right next to them and I’m going to come down in there with them and I’m going to gird up man I’m going to take my sword out and I’m going to help me slay this dragon and then I’m going to help him climb out of this pit because that’s what they want you know remember I said earlier about being understood and encouraged because they don’t want you just to be yelling at them you know no one likes to have their finger waves in their face come on you can make it come on David so I’m fuck up man get out of that mess you know come on get over it you know whatever but if you can go in there what they call NLP if you can go in there and understand them from their point of view not yours I call it hand in glove we’ve got a B we got a good inside of them and see the world from their point of view makes all the difference in the world yeah that makes sense mm-hmm they’ll follow you then men will follow you people will follow you people will follow you if you look at them and say you know I love you I understand where you’re coming from and let’s do this together that’s actually a great way to end the show because I think it gives hope that you mentioned that there’s some gaps out there and people like you and just getting that message out there can definitely help people listening and hopefully you can continue to spread the message you definitely appreciate you having on you have been in tune to another episode of intrinsic motivation of a homies perspective I am Hamza and I am David and thanks again for your call and calling in Arnie we definitely appreciate you having us klieg your monetization also yeah you mind if I give you no I don’t mind giving up my phone number if that’s okay with you guys go for it yeah if anybody wants to talk you can get ahold of me through my my phone number you can text me or just call me direct 602 three 909 144 you can go to I’ve got a couple of websites but you can go to total recovery Arizona com total recovery Arizona comm check me out on Facebook answers for real men it’s a group I’ll get you in there and we’ll talk answers for real men on Facebook or you can just look me up Arnie fun Sica junior on Facebook as well I’d love for you guys to check out my podcast on iTunes or stitcher answers for real men you know gets if we get pretty deep but good stuff and I appreciate anybody getting on there and checking me out and give me a holler and I want to thank you guys for bringing me on and this has been fun you guys are good I like what you’re doing here and I appreciate you guys thank you for learning you have a good one all right thank you guys you’re right bye-bye [Music] thanks again for checking out another episode of intrinsic motivation from a homeless perspective podcast please check us out on our website at intrinsic motivation dot life where you can click on the speak pipe button and leave any suggestions for a future podcast that you’d like us to cover also check us out on our social media sites we have a YouTube channel Facebook page iTunes podcast in addition to stitcher and Google Play all under intrinsic motivation from a homeys perspective check you out next time have a great day you